Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.
By Nicole Yorio from Redbook
Updated: Oct 15, 2008
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
“Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility.”
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. "
“In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void”
In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

I can understand how a man or a woman who is not getting attention or affection at home would be drawn to someone else who is giving them that. But even when it comes to that very second where you make the choice to cheat, you know in your heart of hearts that what you are about to do is wrong and will hurt one or more people, you just don't care. That's why I could never ever continue a relationship with someone who cheats on me.

They can do all the studies they want to do and give all the excuses they want to for why men or women cheat. In the end it still comes down to neither had the will power to face the truth and they took the easy way out.

Cheating is cheating no matter how one looks at it. Why does men or women need to see studies that give them reasons for what they did.

Instead they need to face reality and admit that nothing gives another the right or excuse to cheat. JMO

no doubt.Cheating is not right. But your partner ignoring you or not letting you know you are appreciated gets very old very fast and a man WILL go to who appreciates him and what he does-PERIOD!This isn't right as well for her to ignore her man.He's not just there to give a woman a free ride in life or to do everything financially and otherwise while she runs up bills you can't pay and leaves or cheats which is one of the two cases if not both.Guys are noticing the trends of ladies behavior and we will strike first now a days......we already know whats up and whats good in these days.Games were ok until we decided to play them back.

Personally I think they want the studies so that they can justify what they did. They want validation for their complaints that "he/she isn't romantic enough" or "we don't hardly have sex anymore"... excuses like that.

But if it is so bad, then why not talk to your spouse about it? And if they aren't responsive in the way that satisfies you, then end the relationship. Leave with your dignity intact. It's so much better to hear, "Our relationship ended because I didn't feel I was getting what I needed" then to hear, "I cheated." Cause the moment I hear they've cheated in their past relationship, I'm gone.

So what!! Is it that hard to open your mouth and tell your S/O "This relationship sucks and it's either got to change or it's over!"????

What it boils down to is that we're indigenious assholes. And that as we age, we become adept in the fine art of bull ****. Can't do with us. Can't do without us.

Wanna bet?

To me that is all but a cop out trying to find excuses for the things one does. Putting the blame always makes them feel better that way it is not their fault ohhh no lets put the blame on the other person instead to make them feel better shshshshshs Learn to deal with the problems first if they can not be then walk away from the relationship first then go have the fling and see if it solves anything.

Well I say this has got holes in it. Even my ex that did cheat will admit, it had nothing to do with me why he did it. It was the thrill of it that sucked him in yeah he felt he was getting all this extra attention from the women he was getting older and and the idea younger women wanted him he got lost in the game.

But as far as we were sex life was great I worked full time took care of two kids he worked full time. On the weekends we spent together and we had horses was on the go each weekend doing what we liked together ect.. He even admitted to his friends after it was all said and done it was his fault not mine and I did not deserve what happen.

Now to me that is a man that finally faced the truth and quit trying to blame it on everyone except his self. It took him 4 years after we were Divorced to admit it. But at least he was man enough to see reality and admit it instead like these studies do and keep making excuses for what some do!!

In your case that may happen but not in most.There are reasons why we do.We don't just do it for the hell of it.Maybe 2-5% of all men might "Just Do it" cause they want to.

Regardless of the reasons it is a cop out and a excuse not to deal with reality instead dealing with the problems in hand. One should realize it is best just to end the relationship and move on if it can not be solved is that not true? Do men or women actually need and excuse for what they did not choose to deal with?

By making the choice to cheat does it not add more fuel to the fire no matter what the reasons are?

I know in life this happens for more reasons then one and it is not always pretty when it does no matter what the reasons.

But what it boils down to is one must learn to deal with what they did and understand in the long run two wrongs does not make a right!!

Excuses are just that excuses still nothing is solved so now that one has and excuse does that make it right for what they did?

People cheat because they are WEAK.
People cheat because they are SELFISH.
People cheat because they are LAZY.

Period.

But the study says............they have excuses now

Yeah... I know. I saw it... I didn't read it, but I saw it.

I'm disgusted. I say we start an island of cheaters, like they did with criminals for Australia.

The grass is always greener on the other side syndrome

there is no science - people cheat because they cheat, think they can get away with it, no one will ever find out, dont care whether they are found out, there are million excuses none valid in my eyes. jmo

Funny for I had a guy tell me one time that even though they say the grass is greener on the other side. That when they get to the other side and that gate closes they then realize what they always wanted is really now on the other side. Except now that gate has been locked and all they can do now is look from afar.

exactly they think the grass is greener, are willing to lose what they have for what they think they should have or another has.

never ending cycle

I honestly don't see men as very monogamous creatures to begin with. Sex is important and variety is about every man's dream. Many get married in part to keep the theory of a steady sex life and then sleep with others to get the variety. There are many other things that might prompt a man to not be monogamous, but I've got to say that it most often boils down to expanding sexual gratification. The trend of swinging enables both the husband and the wife to both "cheat". It isn't for every couple, but for some it is edifying.

People who cheat have integrity issues.....and relationship issues....