Ask Dr. Gilda: Am I Too Big for Love?


Dear Dr. Gilda,
I’m at a loss and I find myself losing faith in humanity. I am admittedly overweight — not morbidly obese, just overweight. People constantly tell me, “You have such a pretty face” and “If you’d just lose some weight…,” or things on the other end of the spectrum, like “If he can’t look past your physical appearance, he’s really not the kind of guy you want” and “You have such a great personality, don’t worry — you’ll find someone.” The problem is that I hate knowing that my weight is the only thing keeping me from finding love.

People quickly make assumptions about your lifestyle simply by your pants size and are even more quick to offer advice on how to “improve” yourself. I’m a good person with a lot of love to give. It took me a long time to really find myself and stop basing my self-worth on how many looks I got from men. I’m working on my weight for health reasons. My question is this: If I’m so open to finding someone and loving all of him, including his imperfections, do I really have to accept that I’m simply unlovable until I’m thin? Thank you, Dr. Gilda!
— Weighty in My Worth

Dear Weighty AND Worthy,
In my younger years, right out of college, I was 20 lbs. heavier than I am today. After I lost the weight, the men who liked me earlier told me to put that meat back on my bones! This proved to me that not everyone appreciates the same body type. Since then, over the years, I’ve been friends with two “morbidly obese” women, as you call them. Believe it or not, these two had more active love lives than I did! Their secret? They loved themselves just as they were, without apology.

You say, “The problem is that I hate knowing that my weight is the only thing keeping me from finding love.” Why do you say you KNOW this? Darling, it’s not your weight you need to address; it’s your willingness to allow others to define how you assess yourself!

You conclude, “It took me a long time to really find myself and stop basing my self-worth on how many looks I got from men.” I understand that you believe that you’re over your dependency on men’s attentions, but if you truly were, you would not question, “Do I really have to accept that I’m simply unlovable until I’m thin?”

You surmise that “people quickly make assumptions about your lifestyle simply by your pants size…” Well, that’s not entirely true. People quickly make assumptions about everything you do, all the time. In a room of 300 people, you will have 300 different reputations. You can either accept this fact of life or become miserable trying to alter every single person’s perception, which you can’t do anyway.

This is what I suggest you focus on now: Tell the people who comment on your weight to get a life. And don’t sugarcoat your message! A guy I casually knew commented in a negative way about how thin I looked. (Obviously he preferred weightier women!) I retorted by telling him how fat he had gotten. He immediately grasped my point, laughed and apologized.When people see your weight, or your mole, or your hair color, or anything else to the exclusion of your soul, these are not people you want to hang with. END OF STORY! But you also should not invite them into your precious world with the intention of trying to change their minds. Accept the love you say you have to give, and discard your concerns about your outer shell. As my Gilda-Gram says, “People reflect back to you your opinion of yourself.” As soon as YOU accept your beauty, so will a terrific guy. For medical reasons, a friend of mine recently underwent weight-loss surgery. Her husband of over 30 years could care less, and says he loves her in whichever form she’s in. He cherishes her soul, and her outer housing is just incidental. This is the kind of unconditional love I wish for you! And you can have it, as long as you believe in yourself.

Just thought it was good advice, wanted to share

i would say if it makes someone feel bad about themselves, then lose the weight.. i'ts not impossible

You completely missed the point of the article.

Thanks, msmyka! It was a nice read, and I loved the way the Dr. Gilda responded.

you think?

it sounds like a compromise, now she starts getting upset and making rude comments to people that make rude comments to her... if she would lose the weight, it would skip all that to begin with, and she would be healthier and feel better about herself overall... it is a false perception of her feeling better... instead of fixing the overall problem, she she covers it up with more anger... there is nothing wrong with losing weight, and anyone that doesn't want to is just copping out. people live longer, better mental health, not as unwilling to do things that would keep active and the pounds off when they drop to a normal, healthy weight. but if wants to stay overweight and get mad at people, i guess thats fine too. if she thinks the only reason she can't find love is because of her weight, it is then. not her weight, but her attitude, a physiological effect.

The point of the article is to not let people like YOU make her feel bad about her weight. Not everyone is going to be an ideal weight but that does not mean they are necessarily unhealthy. I am over my ideal weight and I can do P90X which a lot of people who are considered to be "thin" can not.

but your happy with yourself... she wasn't

what do you mean like me?

People whose only suggested solution is to lose weight and not to accept people how they are.

SHE is not unhappy with her weight, she's tired of hearing that it's why shes single.

I'm pretty fly for a fat guy

if she was happy being overweight, why did she write this in the first place? i think it is a psychological issue, not a weight issue. but it stems from the weight issue. i think she looking for a justification for her not to lose the weight... it's just my personal opinion that it would be better for her to lose the weight, and that would solve the whole issue. i'm not trying to make you mad, i just think the ladies answer was what the overweight person wanted to her, but not a reality.

Once again thanks for the weight loss solution captain obvious. Maybe some of us do not WANT to be stick figures.

Good article...

My 2 cents...

It goes both ways doesn't it?

The advice given about ignoring the idiots and their ugly comments and just accept herself as she is good advice, however...shouldn't she in turn take that same advice and accept the jerks as they are and for what they are?

It is unfair for any person to seek a relationship with someone THEY may be attracted to and expect them to look past what matters to them in order to appease someone elses feelings.

She is better off waiting til she finds someone who likes her just as she is when they meet and grow it from there. If she gets involved with a man that from the get go is pushing her to lose weight for whatever reasons...that's just a negative beginning.

Did she ever once say she wanted a thin fit guy? My take on it is that she is willing to accept someone the way they are. And accepting a rude, jerk for who they are in my book means not dealing with them at all.

well, then don't get mad at me, i could care less who wants to be what.
i voiced my opinion, and you disagree. that ends that

I don't think she is looking for justification not to lose weight. She even says in the article that she's working on her weight for health reasons. I think you're missing the point, as Myka said above. Then again, it's much easier to tell someone if they just lose the weight, they'd be happier. If she's going to lose weight, she needs to do it for herself, rather than as a way to be accepted by others. Why should she have to do it for any other reason that for herself? Just because someone like you says she'll be happier?

she dosn't have to do anything.... thats what the woman told her.. thats what i disagree with.

Good article, thanks for sharing that