Many people that suffer intensely have put too much of themselves in the relationship/partner. As in coming to depend on that person, making your entire world evolve around the relationship and/or partner.
Meaning if you lose that, you lose everything, all your goals, hopes and dreams because they were all connected to that partner/relationship.
That's why it is important to keep your own things, hobbies, friends, goals and dreams in life.
A partner/relationship shouldn't be a fulfillment (a goal in itself) but a complement to who you are yourself.

Wow, did Crystal just agree with something that I said?

Not having a good day today. ..

I worked with a bartender who would ask his grieving customers, who were agonizing over something.

"Do you feel better by being angry, (or sad)? If so, then go ahead and feel it."

On some level, we decide how we will think and feel about things. But with the use of the will, you can change your thinking and feeling about anything.

In my experience, because I have always held that truth is the one thing I want from life, I have had to learn to accept WHAT IS as quickly as possible so I can move on.

I have experienced times of grief and sadness, and there is nothing wrong or weak about it, but it is a state of mind that can be worked through. Then you come out of it all that much stronger.

What you don't want to do is wallow in self pity or anger. What you want to do is change your thinking and perspective of the situation.


P.S.
Also when someone rejects your sincere friendship and loyalty or love, they are the true loser. And they didn't deserve it. You can now find some one who does. Give a little time for the wounds to heal and you will be better off without that person, this is a truth you need to open your eyes and see.

I believe coping skills are a learned set of skills

people learn to cope in different ways,,,

^ this


and enjoy your friends for their company not necessarily as ears or shoulders to lean on. be available for them to do things together rather than gripe about your latest break up. You will see that there are things more important, and you will be a better companion to the friends you can spend time with while you reflect internally on how to best heal. namaste

I am also spending the day alone today....we should have a loners on Thanksgiving Day Club :)

I am going hiking later to see what winter birds are here :) YAY

coz all ppll r not same.every1 diffrent diferent.

Thank you guys.
I am trying to be true to my feelings and am trying to move forward but some days like today are really hard to deal with.
I know that everything that everyone has said on this thread is very good advice however I am struggling hard.

The thing is I have helped out friends who have gone through really bad times and its easy to offer sound practical advice and advice that is necessary to move on but when your in it its different.
My brain has become my enemy all I do is think about what I have lost.
The comfort of a companion to hold, hug and the security.

I know what would help me and that would be someone I can see who is understanding and loving. Someone who can comfort me when I cry.

I know this is selfish and one sided but I miss it so much.
Maybe it's because Christmas is coming and everyone is preparing to spend it with a loved one.

Ohh I dont know. .. im blubbering here.

Sometimes you just gotta allow yourself to grieve and 'blubber' and take your time to work your way through it.
When the pain starts to wear off, you can have another look at the advice given to see if there's something you can do with it.
And if you feel it's too much for you to handle on your own, seek help!

Thanks crystalfairy.
I will.
And I believe me opening up is me seeking help I suppose but I know what you mean and if things get that bad I will.

Sorry it might not be a common reference for you when I used the joke about "should" . The short version is if you have artificially hard standards of what you expect of yourself that don't allow you to walk across a barnyard of animal waste without getting a little stink on your boots you have "should all over yourself" and life will generally stink.

I don't know what your experience is in drinking but having seen a good bit of it across my life alcohol very rarely helps people loosen the tongue in a good way. True it will sometimes break down some "restraints" but what it usually throws out of balance is perspective and tends to amplify sadness, jealousy, aggressiveness, hyper-sexuality, anger, suicidal ideations, and anxiety. Not to mention accurate recall, articulation, balance, perception of personal space, and impulse control. They can cry, wail, and physically punish themselves to try to express greif and remorse but it gets lost in the overwhelming display and generally scares or angers the very person they need so much.

Maybe if a person is incredibly lucky a couple of good friend will come over, hide your car keys, phone, and computer and set around with you and let you say all the vile, degrading, stupid things anyone who needs to vent says; then lets you get shi-faced/commode hugging drunk and wipes the vomit off of you and dump you in bed for some much needed rest but that is rare.

Usually they get enough after a couple hours and you end up showing your as-, get a dui, and if you don't end up in jail you end up in the ER room or both. Maybe the morgue if you have a weapon or enough medication.

I am glad sometimes employers support counseling. It is in their best interest to keep you in functioning order and prevent problems for your co workers. It is an unfair burden to them to have to carry responsibilities they are not prepared for. But you are right the stigma is very unfair. When you need help you need help. That is just how it is. Or at least it should be. When it is not you not only have the original loss you now have the lost of being minimalized and even ignored. Emotional pain doesn't run down you like blood and people don't always believe tears like they do broken bones. If divorce was a type of cancer we would get chemo and bandages for our broken hearts, there would be a Ronald McDonald house for us to go to for the holidays, maybe a funeral for the dreams that will be delayed or not happen at all.

Life is often like and Island. If you need it you have to bring it.

Struggling after a marriage falling apart out form under you may mean going out of your way to bring what you need in your world to you. It may require you joining a group or even starting one to get the support you need.

I kind of doubt you are going to get what you need magically fall out of the internet sky as one person. That would be a pretty tall order to dump on one person who might or might not have their own stuff they are dealing with.

I thank my Mingle Sister for taking the time to share the post the stages of greif. Any one who goes through the loss of a love, especially a marriage weather by divorce or death goes through them. Some times the order gets messed up or repeated but if you journal you find the stages in your walking wounded time. You obviously have a computer there is a diary function.

I think you want to try for not wading through it in one weekend when in reality you have a lot to do to just stay afloat in the world but maybe setting aside and hour early in the day then put it away until the next day.

Hope it is useful.

True Christmas will truly suck if you don't plan something to do to be busy. But if you plan a couple of "single" perks. I don't know what you think is fun but surely there is some guy thing that would be fun. As wonderful as company us women are it is possible there are a few things you could do with out women?

The thought of this feels good. If only you was nearer.

Also when someone rejects your sincere friendship and loyalty or love, they are the true loser. And they didn't deserve it. You can now find some one who does. Give a little time for the wounds to heal and you will be better off without that person, this is a truth you need to open your eyes and see.

I most definitely agree with you JB. If your partner does not put a high value on your FRIENDSHIP, LOYALTY, or LOVE, then it's time to move on to find the one who WILL be willing to place a high value on them.

Try taking a Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator test (MBTI). There are some free ones available online that can get you started but you usually have to pay for a "good" test. Once you understand the 16 personality types, and most importantly your own, it will be much easier to understand why you react to situations in the manner you do. You will also see better why some personality types just aren't compatible with others.
There is no right or wrong way to respond to a situation. The right way for you is what makes you feel better.

Good luck!!

I think there were a lot of us who had a bad day yesterday. I hate this time of year. I heard this time of year referred to as break up time on the radio the other day. Theoretically that should be a good thing for all of us who are single, right??

very true but he apparently has not found his "right way..." lol

honestly at this point I do have to say ...man up dude :)

put one foot in front of the other, think of a few things that you are good at and go do one of them, call an old friend or family member and talk about anything BUT this old relationship. trust me, many of us have been where you are and at some point learned to move past the grieving stage. it takes some self discipline. at this point the "oh feel sorry for me" is wearing thin....don't you think?

we have tried to help you, now what can you do? :)

It helps to have someone's shoulder to cry on too. If you don't have a person, a dog is the next best thing. To them, you are their whole world.