Tanya's "Lexy Syndrome" thread got me thinking about the issue of why some of us have better luck (worse luck, no luck, etc.) than others, within the confines of a dating site venue.

And it occurred to me that it's at least partly an issue of environment -- I mean, if you're actually going to look for something, it makes sense to look for it in a place where it might actually be.

If you look for frozen chicken dinners in a bookstore, you might find a book about how to cook frozen chicken dinners, or a book about where to shop for them, but you're unlikely (unless this is one of those weird new-age bookstores I'm afraid to go into) to find the actual frozen chicken dinners.

To give a more pertinent example, I don't look for people in bars, because I don't drink and I don't go to bars. If someone is drinking, that's automatically someone I am not going to be interested in, so there's no point in my looking for someone in that environment.

And what I've learned over the past 102 years is that the type of person I'm looking for simply doesn't use dating sites. I haven't figured out why this is, exactly, but it's clearly the case.

Pretty much every dating site I've ever been on has simply skewed "too old" for me -- and I don't mean in the strict chronological sense, but more as it refers to "stage of life" -- most people have kids, have circumstances that tie them down, in one way or another -- there's a sort of leaden inevitability to the course of their lives, a lugubrious direction with no means of being altered or adjusted....

And that's not for me. It's too confining, too restrictive, too stifling, too suffocating. I'm NOT tied down -- that's the whole point -- never got into any kind of debt, never had kids, had a brief and unfulfilling marriage that I got out of before it could kill me -- yes, there's some baggage, but it's portable and not really all that heavy, in the long run....

The typical "dating site lifestyle" -- if there is such a thing -- is built, it seems to me, around single parenthood and horrible jobs and alcoholic binges and an almost pathological desire to avoid any sort of effort to make life better. We sometimes see it referred to as "drama," but it's more than that. It's a lifestyle choice -- or series of choices -- a self-victimization process that can -- and often does -- last a lifetime. And may set the course for future generations of dating site users, assuming there are any.

I don't want to have to deal with any of that stuff. I want to find someone I can talk to, on my own (and, hopefully, her own) level, without dumbing it down, without having to present things any differently from the way they really are.

Someone I can enjoy spending time with, someone who doesn't bore me to tears 90 days down the road with her talk of "domestication" and all of that nonsense....

Is that too much to ask? I think it may be, on a dating site.

Because I get the impression that most of the people on these sites are long past the stage where they can truly enjoy much of anything except wallowing in the bitterness and resentment of their past entanglements. And that's fine, as long as you keep it interesting or insightful or funny or ironic or, at the very least, well-written. But how many can actually do that?

As for me, I will have to look elsewhere. She may be here, on this very site, tomorrow, or the next day -- but I'm pretty sure she's not here yet.

*STANDS UP AND CLAPS* BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO

You said it so much better than I could (plus I have a cold and my head it broken) great job, lex~!



loved this part 'yes, there's some baggage, but it's portable and not really all that heavy'

I read most of the things you post Lex, mostly because of the intelligence with which you write. I am glad that you used the word "most" people when you used your description of people here. If I've learned anything at all in the last few years, it was that wallowing in bitterness and resentments over the past only made me look more like the pig that continually wallows in the mud and then wonders why the hell it got dirty. The only time that I find revisiting some of my history is beneficial is to see if there was something more I could have learned to make the person I am today even better.

Thanks for your post. "C"

There exists on this very site...every kind of person. If you can tell me that, by virtue of being a member of Mingle2, you can categorize a person....please tell me how you arrive at that conclusion.

I, personally, am here because I don't frequent bars and don't have time to "put myself out there" in a physical way. THIS was an experiment for me. After almost a year of being a member here....and going on some dates....I did indeed find a man well suited for me. It took some time, but it happened. I think the one thing I'm glad I didn't do was think that I had people figured out.

I think when we come to the end of this life...if we have paid attention at all...we'll realize that having things all figured out, especially about people, was something that just didn't exist...and was rather arrogent.

I'm so very glad that, somehow, I managed to keep from drawing conclusions about people based on my own narrow life experience. Hope I can keep that up.