We have a certain life style preference that is being worked out and that we both want very much; but, in general, I am not flirting or being with any other male, unless he approves. He has no problem with me appreciating others looks, but I never do it in a way that is obvious to him or anyone else; and he really isn't the jealous type, even if I do write to friends on occasion.

That is exactly why I am amazed. I never allowed anyone's words to influence how I felt about myself before. I have given his opinion and his words great power over my self-image and self-esteem. I'm not sure why it is different with him, but I've never had a partner quite like him before.

You are right; and, the stress is not good for my chances of beating the cancer. But, I love him and there are a lot of positive qualities about him that are right for me.

Constantly; but he won't discuss it with me. He doesn't care. He says I am trying to change him and am accusing him of being unfaithful. I do not believe he has been unfaithful since we got back together. However, I admit, I am insecure, based on his past lack of fidelity in his marriage and other things he shared with me about his past. I want to give him a clean slate and trust him; but the "Guam incident" didn't do much to foster my trust.

I'm somewhat heavier than in the photos you saw. Still attractive, but heavier.

When we met in 1/08, he admitted I was not quite his type physically (it was true I could stand to lose 30 lbs), but that we were highly compatible and that he saw no problem with us being together for the long haul if I lost the weight that I wanted to lose on my own, anyway. (I won't comment on his looks or weight, but it currently, it is nothing like his photos and hasn't been for a while. He likes my cooking and he likes sweets.) I lost about 20 lbs or more within a few months, and almost the rest of it during the time we broke up in the Fall.

Unfortunately, because of the stress from my work, the cancer, and other treatment, I put the weight back on. I intend to lose it again and get fit - for HTN, orthopedic, gastro, and other personal reasons, but he hasn't been very patient about it. Instead, I get disgusted looks or comments and increasing disinterest in intimacy from him. Meanwhile, as from day one, he continues to make appreciative comments out loud, do headspins (or full body turns to stare), and smile at attractive strangers in front of me. I'm not jealous, and if it was respectful he didn't make it plain that he preferred them to me, it wouldn't be so hurtful.

He is very angry that I doubt and question at times. I do not mistrust him, except for when he eggs me on. And, he seems to do this on purpose at times. I don't know why. Other times, he behaves the way he does purely in service to the id, with no regard for consequences.

I feel horrible writing this. I love him and have no intention of leaving him.

cheer up

Too much information? Mods, please feel free to delete the thread. Thank you.

Thanks, this is the part I will try to hold close to my heart. Its the loneliness and pain of life up till then, especially knowing that the "then" is a foreshortened one. It makes you kind of want to "hurry up" and accomplish. It is hard to accept that some things we really wanted, we will not accomplish in life. I guess that is the stage that is called "resignation".

I know I was loved once. It was real, even though it ended far too soon. I know I was cared for once, too - even though it was much less than I deserved or needed in my life. We waste time in life. You can't get that time back.

I will think about your words. Thanks.

Oh, and I misplaced it, but you may email it to me again, please. Thank you.

I have always had fairly good self esteem in my life, especially as it related to my looks, intelligence, work, loyalty, dependability, and writing.

This is the first time in my life where my self esteem has begun to be erroded by a partner....concerning my looks - or rather, weight.

The weight is not the issue; I know I need to lose it for health reasons. I will, only the degrading has stalled it. The other person cannot understand their role in it or why. My self esteem is shot. I am feeling unattractive and worthless lately - for you see - it is not just the weight now - it is the fact that I have had breast cancer - and the pain and little scar that are reminders. That and the fear is a reminder.

Touch and sex and talking and holding have dwindled to practically nil. Of course, help with laundry and feeding and foot massages are still expected of me. No matter how I am feeling on any particular day. Oh, and the ogling of other attractive women continues - in full force - right in my face. Very rarely, there may be flirting, too. None of it is subtle or respectful, by any means. It is very degrading and diminishing of one's ego.

I don't know why I am writing this. I am not prepared to end it. It just hurts that my self-esteem has sunk to a level it has never been at. It confounds me. I never had an issue with body image before. I am amazed.

I will try that today. Thank you.

Understood....

Exactly. What's left, then. Nothing. Just a sense of being used or abused.

He says I'm taken....but I REALLY do not believe him.

So in your opinion, it is purely about the id and selfishness, not purposely trying to hurt the other or destroy the relationship? Either way, the outcome is the same, no?

Intuitively, I know you are right. I just don't know how to do it and haven't been a fast learner in this area. Anxiety....is a terrible thing.

Thank you. I will try to take this to heart and practice it. The fear is that I do not know if I will accomplish it in time or be able to enjoy it. I will try to read and reread this and practicing being joyful in the moment. It is just hard, feeling a lone and unloved.

I wish I knew what that purpose was. Despite all the good I've done, it still doesn't seem enough to have validated an existence that wasn't loved or cared for.

I wish I knew what that purpose was. Despite all the good I've done, it still doesn't seem enough to have validated an existence that wasn't loved or cared for.

I know I have made a tremendous impact in the lives of others on many sites through my writing and in person, through my helping. I wish that were enough for me....to know I made a difference in some lives and made the world a better place. But, I guess, like most of us - I am selfish - and wish I had found love than was real and long lasting. I have regrets that I never did.

I know I have made a tremendous impact in the lives of others on many sites through my writing and in person, through my helping. I wish that were enough for me....to know I made a difference in some lives and made the world a better place. But, I guess, like most of us - I am selfish - and wish I had found love than was real and long lasting. I have regrets that I never did.

It is frightening to think about suffering and being in pain, until then, without someone of your own to lean on. And, without ever having attained your heart's desire. It is very frightening for me.

You and me, both.