im= Instant Message me

He's no Kid and He's no Moron playing if you really want to know who he
is im me when i am on

http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB147/index.htm

שלום
מה שלומך
מה נישמה?
ספרד ארץ נפלא

single and available 718 area woodside queens

That was cute uk

Why don't you tell that to the U.S Military Forum page at
http://www.strategypage.com

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman


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Q: Why do Frenchmen carry crap in their wallets?
A: The law requires they carry at least one form of Identification.


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An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, "Rule
Britannia". He had sung the first line, "When Britain first at heaven's
command ...", when some aliens saw him. The aliens decided to conduct an
experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his
boat. To their astonishment, he continued to sing, "When Britain first
at heaven's command...". So, to continue their experiment, they removed
half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain
left. They were further astonished when the man continued to sing,
"When Britain first at heaven's command..." After discussing further,
they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat.
He continued to sing, "Allouetta, chantez allouetta ..."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going to war without France is like going to marine boot camp without
your Liza Minelli CD's


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Q: What time is the Frenchman’s watch set to?
A: 5 minutes to One


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Why should we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, they didn't
help us liberate France!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The last time France asked for more evidence, it rolled over them in
Panzer tanks carrying the Nazi flag.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam
at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him. The
American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
"You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large
piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!", said the American. The
Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't.
In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in
containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell
them to the United States." The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All
the while, the American listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the
bread?" asks the Frenchman. "Of course!", says the American. The
Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In
France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and
sell it to the U.S." "And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once
you've used them?" asks the American. "We throw them away, of course,"
replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look. The American explains,
"WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then
melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men’s Room graffiti: "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth
to another Frenchman.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The
bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman
says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse
ME, but I was talking to the duck."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass
of wine. The Frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar
as well. The Frenchie asks the landlord, “What is that dirty camel doing
in here?” The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits
the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which
the Frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the
head."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so
wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the
U.S.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? A. This time around, the
Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains to make for her
family for dinner that night. She looked at the display of brains and
saw that American brains were $4.95 per lb, British brains were $4.90
per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the
butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. "No ma'am,"
answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the
French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how
many French it takes to get a pound of brains!?" replied the butcher.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's green, cold, slimy and croaks?
A: A Frenchman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American
and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
A: A Mirage


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
A: To see all their other ships.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting
without an accordion.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the Panzers.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men, an American man, a German man, and a Frenchman, completely
drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation: The
American: “In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor
high1” The German says: “In my country, we have highways that go
straight for over a thousand miles!” The Frenchman says: “When I have an
erection, my **** is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it!” The following
day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth: The
American said: “You know, really, some of our buildings might go over
100-floor high, but no more.” The German says: “You know, really, some
highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more.” The Frenchman said:
“You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one
leg on it.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"?
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give
up!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for
you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard
it's been dropped once.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the
Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that
if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He
further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict
with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador did
not understand. It seems there is no word for "bath" in French.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II????
A: Not Enough.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five! - One to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing. - The
second to turn tail and run. - The third to roll over. - The forth
to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces. - And
the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1
forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the
forward gear comes in handy.... :)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Where can you find over 59 million French jokes?
A: In France.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadaam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead French man In
the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks In front of the skunk.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A first-time French visitor to New York arrived at his hotel room only
to find his bed with one sheet. He called the front desk and screamed "I
want 'to sheet' on my bed right now!". He was asked to check out of his
room. Dismayed but not discouraged, he went to have a bite to eat in
the hotel restaurant. Being European, he see expected to have both a
salad fork and a dinner fork instead of the single fork on his table.
This irked him, but he held his tongue. He ordered a "Patty Melt
Hamburger" from the waitress. When she brought him his meal, he
expected to see a hamburger patty between two pieces of bread. He flew
into Gaelic rage: "Listen to me! I want 'to peece' on my hamburger. OK?
But just before that, I want 'two fork' on zee table! Right now! Will
you do it?" The manager of the hotel was summoned and the garrulous
Frenchman was escorted to the door and told to go "Pound frogs somewhere
else."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a
Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President
Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The
others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said
George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm." Two
minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.
Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped.
The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a
telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. "By this time, French
president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying
anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily.
When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him incredulously. It
appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the
Frenchman's posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the
other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie Sainte! I'm think I'm
getting a fax."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen???
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: do Frenchmen always were yellow ties ?
A: to match the teeth


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What’s the best place to hide your money ?
A: under the soap of a Frenchman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman
says "That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it?” The
Parrot says "I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered
during WWII?
A: "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen? A. Stop
laughing and re-load!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A: A good days hunting.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking
along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie
pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The
American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of
the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile
for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around France, so that no one can come into our precious country."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall
around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet
high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman
says, "Fill it up with water."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do if you drive over a French man?
A: REVERSE!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning?
A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice
medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a
shame, too - he was by far the best vet in town.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla
species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo
administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any
female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought
they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition:
would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred
Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said,
"I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with
any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration
quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third
condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to
come up with the five hundred Francs."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the
train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were
no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a
kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came
out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as
if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face
as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The
English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and
slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella
must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got
slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The
next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing
noise and slap that French bastard again.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris?
A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished
coloring in the second one!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat
under the other?
A: Bisexual.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacques Chirac telephones George Bush with a frantic plea for help…”Mr.
President, we have been informed by our scientists that a giant meteor
is headed straight for French, and unless something is done, it will
strike France in 8 hours and completely destroy our country! Please help
us by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it to help us eliminate
this threat before it’s too late!!” You are President Bush, what do you
do? A) Stay up late and watch it happen on TV. B) Tape it and watch it
in the morning.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why is the U.S. Navy building a fleet of glass bottom boats? A. So
they can steer around the French Navy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn? A. Stick your
hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following: 1 -
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian. 2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman." 3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. 4 - Wars of
Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. 5 - Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant but still manages to get
invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her. 6 - War of Devolution - Tied.
Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. 7 - The Dutch War
- Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look. 8
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power. 9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved every since. 10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become
quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the
English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only
wins when America does most of the fighting." 11 - French Revolution -
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. 12 - The
Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the
Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer. 13 -
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the
last time, Germany plays the role of drunken frat boy to France’s ugly
girl home alone on a Saturday night. 14 - World War I - Invaded,
humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who
doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with
personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites
widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any
improvement in the French bloodline. 15 - World War II - A decisive
defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend
Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse
themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the
Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to
institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say
"I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in
German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just
as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of
the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all... 16 - First Vietnamese war
(in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition
game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the
second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four
year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.
17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it
lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of
warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists. 18 - War on
Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis
of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that
this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and
immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good
measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from
Algeria. The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the
French are not helping us!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The real reason the French have not mobilized in the war with Iraq is
they were covertly asked not to participate with the coalition. Seems
the British, Americans and everyone else had logically concluded that
having both sides of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be
too confusing.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000
pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was
so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington,
the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have
changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this
has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie
sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in
reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and
sold to France." —Craig Kilborn


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a
disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade
Chirac." —Dennis Miller


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found
truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi
situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this
situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French
really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,
people." —Conan O'Brien


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq.
With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense
Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in
hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be
dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to
believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too
soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them
how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan.
Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been
done." —Jay Leno


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We didn't need the French after all, the Iraqis are starting to
surrender before the fighting starts, guess they knew the French
maneuver already."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved French character is a skunk
who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do the French have huge heads?
A: To accommodate their huge mouths.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard about the new French-Chinese wine? One hour later and you're
whining about America again.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are so many French born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
A: The quiche of death.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The French *still* need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic
surgery.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French? A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, the government of France fell when Jacques Chirac unexpectedly
surrendered to a tourist couple from Düsseldorf.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy comes home from school and goes to his dad. He tells him
that some older boys were discussing something that really bothered him.
The dad asked him what it was. The boy told him that they told him
about anal sex and that he wanted to know if people really did that.
His dad assured him that people did indeed do that, but that it was very
dangerous as "That's how French people are made"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A foreign door-to-door salesman was passing through the French
countryside. Deciding to try his luck at a farmhouse he knocked on the
door. A kid opened the door. Salesman: "Is your dad home?" Kid: "Yeah,
but he’s busy right now. He’s out back screwing the sheep." The salesman
chuckled, "Screwing the sheep, certainly you mean sheering the sheep."
"No," the kid replied, "he’s screwing the sheep." This being said, the
salesman just could not believe his ears and asked: "Doesn’t that
interfere with the gene pool?" The kid replied: NAAAAAAAAAAA

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry,
wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the
middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep
four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet
and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets
of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more
realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use
a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH"
for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for
proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure
the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh
at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage
in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you
can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and
breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it
back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six
hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.
Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the
sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case."
Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you
as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say,
"Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the
garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing
or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and
family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed,
wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a
vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for
Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a
morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper
ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and
fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and
culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before
proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00
a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just
registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable
substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel
you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in
the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make
them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the
exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web
page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the
paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son
the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and
shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back
yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your
family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can
perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell
them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order
yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the
next deployment you've been ordered to support.

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its
applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always
hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission
properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that
your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it
takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

Life is good - girlfriend

Life is good when you find that girlfriend who is one in a million, or
the one who is willing to do anything for a couple of bucks.
Life is good when you have an alligator for a girlfriend and it knows
how to do amazing things with its teeth and tail.
Life is good after grandma has shown your girlfriend how to deep throat
a 2-litre Coke bottle.
Life is good when you get to push your girlfriend down into a well when
she is being a nagging and whining little *****.
Life is good when the first couple of dates are over with and you get to
ungag and untie your new girlfriend.
Life is good when sharing a bath with your girlfriend and she doesn’t
smell like cabbage and no mysterious flaky bits peel off her body.
Life is good when you experience love at first sight: like seeing
your-wife-to-be swallowing a 13-pound salmon without gagging.
Life is good when you have an understanding girlfriend who doesn’t
question you about the rash on your balls that you got from that goat in
Egypt.
Life is good when your girlfriend is a
filthy-rich-sexual-deviant-sword-swallowing-contortionist and
nymphomaniac: who worships you like God.

I Think the key goal that shadoweagle was trying to get across is that
we as Americans. has been blind-sided into thinking one-way without
objectivity. without rationality of thought of both sides and analyzing
the possibilities we never progress onwards we just live in a shroud we
believe to be true. But, isn't

Mary Had a Little Lamb


Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon


Simple Simon met a Pieman,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you ****head.

Humpty Dumpty


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses
And all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him,
He's only an egg."

Mary Had a Another Lamb


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass,
And turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgy Porgy


Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
To have little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blue


Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the Money

The Gay, the Jew and the Italian. Three men died and found themselves
standing in line at the pearly gates. One was gay, another Italian, the
other was Jewish.

At the gates of Heaven, these three were told that they had led a sinful
life and each would be granted one last chance to redeem himself to get
into Heaven. But, they each had to make a sacrifice.

The gay man wasn't allowed to practice sodomy, the Jew wasn't allowed to
pick any money up off the ground and the Italian wasn't allowed to have
pizza. They only had to make this sacrifice for one day.

They were sent back down to Earth. They were walking along and the
Italian said, "This is gonna be easy!" But then, right as he said that,
they passed a pizza parlor and the Italian could smell the pizza.

"Oh, mama-mia! That smells good! One little bite couldn't hurt!" The
Italian took a bite and disappeared.

At this point the Jew and gay man knew that they had to have willpower.
So, they walked a little more when the Jew saw a dime rolling his way.
He got a look of glee in his eye and said, "One little dime won't do
anything!"

He bent over to pick up the dime and the gay man disappeared

======================================================

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a
long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the
night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man
as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal.
Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed
alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for
a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the
old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s easy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do
then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another
note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.”

Sun 04/15/07 02:53 PM
1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this
seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for
something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics
before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more
complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of
the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I
put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either
the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never
have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time
it rains.

11. There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest
assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any
way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every
morning for a "meeting".

13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave.

13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human
consumption" and "for institutional use only."

14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly"
picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can
testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without
having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

15. Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece
of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the
offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and
being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my
sister's pet iguana's.

18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully
request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of
command" permits.

19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they
wear on their collar or sleeve.

20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people
around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies
and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those
rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

22. I hate good food.

23. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

24. I hate spending time with my family.

25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many
additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep
terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game
of solitaire.

27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire
life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

28. What? You are going on leave?

29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until
he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

30. Is that local time or Zulu?

30. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so
that they can take half if I mess up.

31. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the
next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager,
assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that
they can all chew my ass.


32. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only
please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and
Officers.
34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after
that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

36. Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the
rules of logic suspended.

37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get
promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up
whether they need it or not?

39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice
medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even
pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

40. Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you
want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything
it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.

41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and
have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are
blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other
one."

42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the
"MILITARY WAY"?

44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm,
even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really
fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character.

45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?

1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this
seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for
something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics
before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more
complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of
the 300 thousand people in the military who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I
put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either
the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never
have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time
it rains.

11. There just aren’t that many jobs out there where you can rest
assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any
way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every
morning for a "meeting".

13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave.

13. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for human
consumption" and "for institutional use only."

14. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly"
picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can
testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without
having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

15. Waking up every morning and going to "staff meeting" where a piece
of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the
offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

16. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and
being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

17. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my
sister's pet iguana's.

18. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully
request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of
command" permits.

19. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they
wear on their collar or sleeve.

20. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people
around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies
and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those
rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

22. I hate good food.

23. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

24. I hate spending time with my family.

25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many
additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep
terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing a innocent game
of solitaire.

27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire
life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

28. What? You are going on leave?

29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until
he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

30. Is that local time or Zulu?

30. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so
that they can take half if I mess up.

31. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the
next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager,
assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that
they can all chew my ass.


32. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only
please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old NCOs and
Officers.
34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after
that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

36. Because only during magic shows and military working hours are the
rules of logic suspended.

37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get
promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up
whether they need it or not?

39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice
medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even
pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

40. Because if you've had enough military #### for one lifetime and you
want to quit, you can rest assured that the military will do everything
it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.

41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and
have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are
blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other
one."

42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the
"MILITARY WAY"?

44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm,
even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really
fun to do every DAGGOM DAY...it builds character.

45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?

A marine and a sailor are in the bathroom. When they finish, the sailor
says,"In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands," and the marine
says," In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hand

-------------------------------------------------
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest
ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three
destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that
YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north,
or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
----------------------------------------------------
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten
taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers
over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred
taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops
over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes
of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand
Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters
and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring
out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its
a trap. There's actually two of them.
----------------------------------------------------------

Hey Did you hear about the New movies on the Kennedy's?

It's called 3 Funerals and a Wedding..
------------------------------------------------------
A Cannibal Dinner

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large
meal."Your wife makes a delicious roast, "The chief said."Thanks," his
friend said. "I'm gonna miss her."

----------------------------------------------
What does Michal Jackson and Xbox have in common?

Both of them are made out of plastic and the kids knows how to turn them
on.
----------------------------------------------------

Within one heart, within one mind the soul itself as result of the two.
Beauty as can be compare to a rose. But, a rose itself will wilt and
fade away. Morena true beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i am the
one looking at thee. whether truth can be found or is it just
infactuation whichever it be love is in the air and the romantico love
from one to another thus be called El Corazon....