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Community > Posts By > davidsechristopher
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Topic:
Red Flags
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Let me get back to the "reality challenged" thing since you made me think on defining my "red flags" more to myself.
Bottom line is that this being a red flag for me indicates a lot more about me than the other person. I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with people whom I label as "reality challenged". I know a person who believes in fairies and is convinced events that happen that she cannot readily explain are caused by fairies. There is nothing wrong with that. I even understand intellectually (not emotionally) why people tend to believe such things. I just won't be able to be a good partner to her. |
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Topic:
Red Flags
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As for the rest ... red flags aren't always telling you there's something 'wrong' with the other, it can also say there's some old trauma active still in yourself ... Some red flag are about compatibility around world perspective or the like. An example of that is that a deeply religious person and deeply agnostic person may have trouble seeing eye to eye on many topics. That doesn't mean they are incompatible, only that it's something to be aware of and take into account. Other red flags are about past trauma. Red flags for one person may be great for another. They are not indicators that there's anything wrong with the person, only that they may not be an appropriate partner for you. Sorry, but things like "he's religious" is not a red flag. It would just be 'not a good match'. Like me saying "A short guy is a red flag". Not true. He's just not what I want, what makes me happy, so not a right match. That doesn't make being short a red flag. Red flags are things that are and feel off, and like I said earlier, some may be clear red flags, others not so much cos some may touch upon an old trauma that's still active in your own system. Making you think it is a red flag, while all that is going on is that your own old trauma gets triggered, making you jumpy and panicky. To me red flags are lying and flirting with young girls and/or flirting with just about every other woman he sees. That's an important distinction between "red flags" and compatibility. I confounded those two issues. Now you've made me think of what I mean by red flags. Thanks  I think you highlight something in your red flags in the general behavioral issues you've listed. I would also add being unkind to the wait staff at the restaurant or displaying a sense of entitlement things in general. I still agree with the triggering of old wounds. I dated a therapist for a while and she talked about emotionally corrective experiences to retrain a person to respond more appropriately to those triggers. Without those experiences to relearn how to respond, even if the wound is healed we maintain a memory of the wounding experience that causes anxiety and elevated emotional states at the triggers. I still vividly remember one time she held my face in her hands, looked me in the eye and said gently, "I'm not your ex". |
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Topic:
Red Flags
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As for the rest ... red flags aren't always telling you there's something 'wrong' with the other, it can also say there's some old trauma active still in yourself ... Some red flag are about compatibility around world perspective or the like. An example of that is that a deeply religious person and deeply agnostic person may have trouble seeing eye to eye on many topics. That doesn't mean they are incompatible, only that it's something to be aware of and take into account. Other red flags are about past trauma. Red flags for one person may be great for another. They are not indicators that there's anything wrong with the person, only that they may not be an appropriate partner for you. |
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Topic:
Red Flags
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Someone having rigid thoughts, beliefs and convictions, like the stuff about the moon landing and vaccines, is a red flag I agree with that sentiment: dogmatism is bad. I'm willing to revise my beliefs about such things based on evidence. Before I write someone off for believing something different than me I ask them why they believe what they believe. If they can engage in an open discussion about it instead of being dogmatic then things look rosier. An important part of the "asking why" process is to not challenge beliefs or tell them they are wrong. It's to seek to understand why they believe as they do. Even if they are not appropriate for me, everyone should be treated kindly and with respect. |
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Topic:
Red Flags
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What things have you seen in prospective partners that set you on edge and are red flags?
What constitutes a "deal killer" that makes a person un-dateable for you? Red flags for me include unkindness to others, treating their children poorly or their children treating them poorly. Deal killers primarily revolve around things like to indicate that the person is "reality challenged". If they don't believe that American astronauts landed on the moon in 1969 then that's a failure to grasp basic reality. If they believe vaccines should not be administered then that's an issue of differentiating fact from fiction. Any sorts of those things that indicate that they have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality (hence "reality challenged") is a HUGE red flag for me and likely a deal killer. |
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Topic:
National Underwear Day...
Edited by
davidsechristopher
on
Fri 09/09/16 03:06 PM
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Is there a National Commando Day? I tried going commando once, but camouflage underwear did not make me feel any sexier. 
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Topic:
taken for granted.......
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It's easy to take someone for granted. All that is required to forget to be grateful for that person in your life.
Remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. |
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Topic:
The 5 Love Languages
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There is a book called the 5 love languages which explains that we all express our love in 5 main ways including 1. Loving or affirming words eg saying I love you. You did a great job, thank you, you are beautiful 2. Acts of service eg taking out the trash, cooking, helping with a project etc 3. Physical bonding eg hugging , kissing, sex etc 4. Quality time. eg a conversation, eating together, dating 5. Gifts either bought or made And I would like to add 2 more languages which I think many people need 6. Reassuring presence. : when the person is troubled, you arent giving advice or platitudes., but the look in your eyes, the feel of your hand on theirs , a reassuring smile are all quiet comforting gestures showing concern. I actually dont think everyone is capable of this. Its a rare gift 7 Space: The gesture of giving a person their breathing space when they need it without feeling inaccessible. This is a tough one to navigate. So my questions are.. 1. What are the love languages that you need or appreciate the most? 2. Have you ever felt like the love language you were speaking wasnt being understood or appreciated by the person you gave it to because it wasnt the love language that they speak? The fun part is what someone best hears may not be what they communicate best as people usually learn this by watching parents who may have had different languages. I give best a) affirming words b) physical bonding c) quality time I receive best a) acts of service b) physical bonding c) affirming words |
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Topic:
Hot tempered partner
Edited by
davidsechristopher
on
Fri 09/09/16 02:51 PM
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Blowing up at the slightest provocation is a real danger signal. It's not a deal killer initially.
When you say blow up over the slightest provocation if you're referring the your partner blowing up at you but otherwise are level headed then they may need to just adjust how they treat a partner. That can usually be accomplished with some clear boundaries, some counseling and practice to learn a new way to interact. If they blow up at other people in front of you then run away. Just run away. They have decided that they want to interact with the world in that way and they will not likely change. For my part, I consider carefully how a prospective partner treats others, how they treat serving staff at restaurants, how they treat irritating drivers on the road, how they speak about others. If they treat others poorly or speak about others poorly you'll soon be the one treated poorly or spoken poorly of. |
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I feel excited
 Tonight I go dancing and I'm excited to do dancing. It's good to relax after a long week at work. |
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Topic:
what i miss about my ex?
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She was good at keeping the checkbook and the financial budget. I miss that.
She loved to drive and I don't enjoy driving that much. So I miss going out together and having her drive. I remember some strange looks as we'd both walk to the driver side door and I'd open the door for her so she could get in and then go around to the passenger side to let myself in. It's easier to think of things I miss about a relationship in general than things I miss about her. |
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Topic:
What do you collect?
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Books!
I have more books than anything else. |
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Topic:
Do you have lucky item?
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My little swiss army knife.
Sometimes you just need a tiny pair of scissors or tweezers. |
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Topic:
Promise me we will dance
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Promise me that when the rain comes
we will dance. Tell me that you will drop everything and take a moment of wondrous delight to dance in the rain: barefoot, soaking, laughing, ignoring all else, we will dance! And then when we must pick up again those things we ignored and face again the day to day we can smile and remember that wet time together. But more than that, our eyes will twinkle knowing that when the rain comes again we will pause and dance! |
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Topic:
Bougiese
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Etiquette and politeness are about making others feel comfortable. The moment someone used the "rules" of etiquette to make someone feel uncomfortable or to create class distinctions they are failing at the basics of etiquette and are the crass boors.
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So I asked a very dear female friend how she would write my profile for a dating site. Her response:
"I would say that you are unique in the best sense of the word. Constantly a pleasant surprise. You don't hold to stereotypes. Extremely intelligent and kind-hearted. A gentleman." |
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I'm completely serious, but I'd have to be REALLY serious to fly to New Zealand to meet you unless there were some hiking/trekking involved and hopefully some touring of some LOTR filming sites.
I've always been fascinated by New Zealand, but never thought I'd visit. |
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This past two weeks I don't believe they do... I have been asked over 50 times this last week alone.. "Where do you live??? "What do you like to do for fun"... Really... You are taken, you live in Alaska, live life fully and don't believe people should self identify by their profession. There's more to it but that's what stuck in my mind. Great profile, btw. |
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Accepts women as my equal
I think that's the most fundamental and basic component of my past relationships. I'm kind, compassionate, and gentle at times. I'm strong and firm at other times. I seek an equal. |
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I can't speak for everyone, but yes. I really read the profile. That's actually the first thing I do. Even when looking at matches, I try to go read the profile first (which the site does not easily facilitate.)
When talking with someone, I do ask questions that may already be in the profile. Part of that is to help weed out scammers and dishonest people. Part of that is that I don't want it to appear on her "Recent Activity" that I've gone to see her profile again. The recent activity does provide a disincentive to refreshing one's memory with the profile when you start to communicate with someone, especially if a few days have passed. |
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