Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot arshole?"

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,

"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how do you determine whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
*******************************************

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?

A man goes on holiday to Jamaica.His wife
is on a business trip and is planning to meet him there the next
day. When the man reaches the hotel, he sends his wife a quick e-mail
but mistypes the address.




The next day the greiving wife of a recently
dead preacher checks her e-mails, screams, and drops dead from a heart
attack.Her family find a disturbing message on the screen;"Dearest
wife,just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival
tommorow.




Your loving husband




PS it sure is hot down here".

DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING




Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm
gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,



'You better think it over,Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,
How many of you have forgiven your enemies?

80 percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-Eight." She replied.
Oh Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the B!tches."

DAMN it's cold in here......





























well hell no wonder

































beds still empty ......

yup still single

Tequila Cookie Recipe


Tequila Cookies

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Cose Juervo Tequilla?(silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Jose Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cose
Juervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Jose Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit up?off floor... Mix on the
turner. ?If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver.? Sample the Cose Juervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.? Now shift
the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar,
or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat
off the turner.? Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose
Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Get ready to take a nap cause your clothes are about to fall off....
CHERRY MISTMAS.....

Top Four Adult Jokes
> >>
> >>
> >> Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel
> lobby and
> >> as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
> are both
> >> quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
> >> 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
> breast, I
> >> know you'll forgive me.'
> >>
> >>
> >> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your
> elbow,
> >> I'm in room 221.'

no...

is it cold where you are?

Jelly beans........no wait that's Easter .....

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous
And sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.
Hardly shows emotions.. Tends to bottle up Feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you
Repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your
New love in 8 days.

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome.. Loves to dress up. Easily bored.
Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to
Recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth.
Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet
Someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance
Your personality.
Feb
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and clever. Changing personality.
Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest
And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves
Freedom.. Rebellious when restricted.. Loves Aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt.
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends
But rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the Inside not outside.. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
Mar
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous
And sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.
Hardly shows emotions.. Tends to bottle up Feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you
Repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your
New love in 8 days.
Apr
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous.
Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and
Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does
Work well with others. Very confident.. Sensitive.
Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good Memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look For information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or
Make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and
Others. Understanding. Fun to be around.
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive.
Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and Traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you
Repost this in 5 mins, a Cutie that's caught your eye
Will introduce themselves and you will realize that
You are very much alike in the next 2 day s.
May
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and Highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.
Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings.
Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint.
Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex.
Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to Dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good Imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves
Literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike
Being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the
Next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone
You do not speak too much in the next 4 days.
Jun
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an Absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make New friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt
And more than likely have an a very attractive
Partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely
That you have a massive record collection. You
Have a great choice in films, and may one day
Become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck,
You've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you
Will meet someone that may possibly become
One of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.
Jul
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to Be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily
Consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's Feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable.
Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.
Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.
Spazzy at times.
Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive
And forms impressions carefully. Caring and Loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of
Sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people
Through observations. Hardworking.. No difficulties In studying. Loves to be with friends Always broods
About the past and the old friends. Waits for Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive
Un less provoked.. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt
But take s long to recover. Repost this in the next 5
mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days
Aug
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. self
confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful..
Easy to get along with and talk to. has an 'every
thing's peachy' attitude. Likes talking and singing..
Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates
not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of 'that someone'.
Longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or
Restricted. Lives by 'no pain no gain' caring.
Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. 'Charming'
or 'beautiful' to everyone. Stubborn. Curious.
Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. repost in 5
mins and you will meet the love of your life
Sometime next month.
Sep
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic.. Decisive and haste but tends
to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself.
Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic.
Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems..
Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and
caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have
many friends.. Enjoys making love. Emotional.
Stubborn.. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates
oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore.
Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can
understand. If you do not repost this in the next 5
mins, someone very close to you will become mad
At you in the next 8 days.
Oct
---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves
to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical
beauty.. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry
often. Treats friends importantly.. Brave and
fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but
recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does
not care to control emotions. Unpredictable.
Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND
sexiest of them all. Repost this in 5 mins or you will
Not meet the love of your life for 10 years.
Nov
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and
dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun.
Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
your inner and outer beauty and independent
personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional
and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people
easily and very social in a group. Fearless and
independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a
crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the
greatest men are born in this month. If you ever
begin a relationship with someone from this month,
hold on to them because their one of a kind.
Dec
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means your the most good-looking
person possible... better than all of these other
months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive
in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in
organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to,
though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision,
yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by
kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of
ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to
delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to
joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone
always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make fr iends. Abiding.
Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of
person .. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting
colds. loves music.

(((((sprite darlin')))))

now u know i wouldn't tell on myself......

What happened to us all......

Sorry.

Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My Penis" was not the correct answer.

Saturday morning... I got up early, put on my long-johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph!

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap."

I'll have 2 check it out.....

Hope everthings good w/you & your daughter..

Hey Thump , how ya been man......