The holidays are here..so before I get drunk..naked..thrown in jail..or lose my damn cel..I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year..

very nice..did you write that.?..

"My name is Gossip.
I have no respect for justice.
I maim without killing.
I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning, malicious and gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
I flourish at every level of society.
My victims are helpless.
They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.
To track me down is impossible.
The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody's friend. Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments and wreck marriages.
I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion.
I spawn suspicion and generate grief.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
Even my name hisses.
I am called Gossip.
Office gossip...shop gossip...party gossip...telephone gossip.
I make headlines and headaches.

Remember, before you repeat a story, ask yourself...is it true?
Is it fair?
Is it necessary?
If not, do not repeat it.
Keep quiet!

"Great minds discuss ideas", "average minds discuss events", "shallow mind discuss people."

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are
you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO ****." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at yo ur h ead ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).20

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather i mmediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning........

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?'
he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear
who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them
their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-***** downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a *****."

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.

The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".

The Blonde says…………

"No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey *****"

A nun and a priest we're crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning..
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with?'

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Its a long read, but well worth it...


When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves
it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying'Hello.'

I politely said,'This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone,

I yelled'You're an *******!'and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,'You're an *******!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my theraputic '*******'calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,

Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled'NO!'and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,

That's because you're an *******!'and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,'Yes, it is.' I then asked,'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,'What's your name?'

He said,'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,'Yes?' I said,'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ******* #1. He said,'Hello.'

I said,'You're an *******!'(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,'Are you still there?'

I said,'Yeah!'

He screamed,'Stop calling me,'

I said,'Make me,'

He asked,'Who are you?'

I said,'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd ,
in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,'Hello?'

I said,'Hello, *******,'

He yelled,'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,'I'll kick your ***,'

I answered,'Well, *******,
here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in
Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two ********
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.




NOW I feel much better.




Anger management really does work!!!!!!!!!!!!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this ?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes Dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night ?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those **** and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight ?"


He looked her up and down and said, "Mission accomplished !!"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . .Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then, you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and

went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'Damn, This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'So I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:

Don't mess with a Women.

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.
Takeout the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized".

Now, closeyour eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson".

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS...

Thanks for the image, lol...

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little o ld lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . ..


(This is great)

* *********




'THE TEETH.'

Why do women wear flowered panties?

It's their way of saying...

"In loving memory of the faces that were buried here.."

Big bad wolf told lil red riding hood to lift her top so he could suck on her t`ts, no said lil red riding hood while lifting her skirt, eat me like the f``king book says,

A woman went to a pet shop where she

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she’d have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit perplexed at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.


The bird looked at him and said,



"Hi, Keith!" how’s it going