The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but

your waiter may know!


YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


This is pretty neat



DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!


It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to

go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)


The next two numbers are


YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK,
SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

Subject: Expensive Perfume

Date: 03/24 16:08 PM

Message:
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Baptist Cowboy
>
>
>
>
>
> A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into
a bar and orders three mugs of Coors. He sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more.
>
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know,
a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought
one at a time."
>
> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home
in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers
and one for myself."
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there.
>
> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs All the
regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>
> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
>
> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just
that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking."
>
> "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Irish Hooker

> An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
> her Father cussed her.
>
> "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
> a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
> Mother thru?"
>
> The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad.... I became a
> prostitute..."
>
> "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
> to this Catholic family.Get away with ye!"
>
> "OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
> coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
> certificate.
>
> For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling
> new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outsid e plus a
> membership to the country club........................ (takes a
> breath).............and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
> on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."
>
> "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
>
> Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
>
> "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
> Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

lol so funny

Bubba In a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.

What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.

Subject: Pet Name



Message:
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."

lmao

lmao

isent that the truth lol

to get laid

lol hope he got laid

lolololol

Subject: Slutty SeX MAcHinE, Who likes it dirty.

Message:
FIRST LETTER IN YOUR FIRST NAME

A-thuggish
B-Preppy
C-Pretty
D-gangster
E-Hot
F-Girly
G-Dyke
H-Sweet
I-Retarded
j-Gorgeous
K-Beautiful
L-very sexy
M-Slutty
N-*****y
O-fabulous
P- amazing
Q-Boyish
R-Hot
S- Crazy
T-Sexual
U-Ugly
V-Wonderful
W-Hott
X-emotianal
Y--Over-appreciated
Z-Under-appreciated

NOW THE THIRD IN YOUR LAST NAME

A-*****yBabe
B- Wizard
C-*****
D-Obsesser
E- God (ess)
F-Retard
G-Cry baby
H-Slut
I-GirlyGirl
J-Goth
K-Nerd
L-Alcoholic
M-geek
N-sex god/goddess
O-porn star
P-Skank
Q-chack whore
R-SeX MAcHinE
S- Jackass
T-Coward
U-princess
V-Queen/King
W-Punk
X-Scared-cat
Y-Whore
Z-Chocoholic


Now What Color Is the Shirt You Are Wearing:

Red- Who Will Do Anything For Crack
purple- Who Looks At Porn 24/7
Orange- Who Likes It In The Butt
Yellow- Who Wants To Have Sex With You
Green- Who will rock your world
Pink- Who's Good With There Hands
blue- Who likes to strip
White- Who everyone wants to ****
Brown- Who Wears Big Sunglasses
Black- Who likes it dirty.
Gray- Who gives great head
None-Who is a beast in bed

I'm Snoopy

hi sweet lady have a great day

I know this is just a joke but it's wrong to be putting this joke on here. some one needs to cut you up and put you in a plastic bag. jokes about animals are not funny, only sick ppl will write these kinda jokes...