Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place

New Years resolutions we can keep..

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

New Years Resolutions for Pets


12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND

God and Eve

EVE: "I've got a problem."
GOD: "What's the problem, Eve?"
EVE: "I know that you created me and provided this
beautiful garden and
All of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
GOD: "And why is that Eve?"
EVE: "I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.."
GOD: "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."
EVE: "Man? What is that?"
GOD: "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat and be vain ; all in all, he'll give you a hard
time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt
and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also
need your advice to think properly."
EVE: "Sounds great," but what's the catch?"
GOD: "Well,.....you can have him on one condition."
EVE: "And what's that, dear God? "
GOD: "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and
self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I
made him first. And it will have to be our little
secret... you know, woman to woman."

I dont get it...its a dream so why would u even need to shoot anything?

Hahahahaha I wish...but thank you

ok by reading this girls other post sounds to me she just wants atenction...her posts sounds made up...she cant get a story straight...waste of time...I am not going to even bother

ok by reading this girls other post sounds to me she just wants atenction...her posts sounds made up...she cant get a story straight...waste of time...I am not going to even bother

You need to fire her, and call the government..she should have to pay them back....how rude of her to do that to her own mother! my God! I would NEVER do that to my mother...we fight ya but i wouldnt do that to her...you need to call right away and stop the money going to her...its not right of her to neglect you...and if you fire her that is not disowning her..sounds like she needs to grow up..please keep us posted on how you are doing..i am VERY worried about you..if I could I would be there helping you, and doing her job


Hope you are well!

aww thank you

hahaha thanks

I added new pictures!

ok i fixed the spelling mistakes! lol...Adding new pics soon

huh?

Oh My God! that was rude....if you dont like her fine...but that was very rude...she is VERY pretty, and she seems like a fun person to hang out..so what if she has low self esteem? she is still a good person..maybe something happend to her that we dont know about and she is dealing with that? we dont know that... and for you to say you would leave her on the side of the road...HOW SICK....
You deserve an @$$ whupping..

girl you seem like an awsome person...and I wish you lived closer so we could become friends..if you ever need someone to talk to just message me...
And guys be more nice..no need to be rude

I really dont like your first picture...I dont like your shirt...way to big for you...you should wear something black..thats what I do,...I am not saying you are fat so please dont be mad at me...But that shirt makes you look bigger then you are..its to big for you..you seem like a fun girl, and you are pretty.

please dont be angry with me

Very good lookin...to bad you live to far lol

yes it is a good thing Promise

you are pretty! and your baby is sooo cute!

That is not an opinion