- the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

- people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

- the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

- opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

- a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

- in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

- people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

- the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

- the choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

- the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

- instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

- the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

- the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

- "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

- the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the
waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

You can laugh all you like as long as:

a) You say I do
b) You don't laugh on the honeymoon....

-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.

-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads

-You don't look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.

-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.

-Your ancestors are buried above the ground .

-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don't see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!)

-You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.

-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .

-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, 'Don't eat the dead ones,' and you know what he means.

-You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

-You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.

-Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .

-You believe that purple, green , and gold look good together.

-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

-Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart.

-Your house payment is less than your utility bill.

-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.

-Your grandparents are called 'Mam-Maw' and 'Paw-Paw.'

-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.

-You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a 'New Orleans-based' movie or TV show.

-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.

-You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.

-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.

-You've eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac's, Gallatoire's, Ralph & Kacoo's, Brunet's, or Mulatte's.

-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten.

-You call home just to find out what your momma'nem are having for supper tonight.

-You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Louisiana.

Yep, myself... nothing wrong with that.

Going to movies alone I mean... was meant as a quote to Etheral...hit the wrong button...

Nope.... I open-minded enough where it doesn't bother me to talk about anything at all.... Just go for it

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........

You got nice house.'

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?'

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.

Yo momma's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

Yo momma's so old, she farts out mummy dust.

Yo momma's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.

Yo momma's so old, she sat next to Jesus in third grade.

Yo momma's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo momma's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white.

Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus.

Yo momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo momma's so old, I told her to act her age and she died.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone money.

Yo momma's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.

Yo momma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.

Yo momma's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.

Yo momma's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo momma's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.

Yo momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo momma's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo momma's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.

Yo momma's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus.

Yo momma's so old, her social security number is 1.

Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.

Yo momma's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.

Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo momma's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.

Yo momma's so old, she owes Moses a quarter.

Yo momma's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo momma's so old, when god said "let there be light" she was there to flick the switch.

Yo momma's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing.

Yo momma's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo momma's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park.

Yo momma's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs.

Yo momma's so old, she has an autographed bible.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big t*ts....

For the record... my mother passed away. I read it, was not offended by it, and posted it for the laugh. She was my best friend, and although a bit overweight, I just know she would have laughed out loud and enjoyed the joke. So, I thought of my mother before I posted it knowing she would have laughed just as well.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Free Willie look like a tic tac

Yo momma's so fat, when we played hide and seek I spotted her behind the Himalayas

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat, the whale from Free Willie freed her

Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock

Yo momma's so fat, when she bends over we miss 2 days of sunlight

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets an estimate

Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes please"

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, when she comes in your house the tires pop.

Yo momma's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling.

Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat, when she farts the whole planet came out.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Yo momma's so fat, her car is made of spandex.

Yo momma's so fat, we're inside her right now.

Yo momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Yo momma's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.

Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Yo momma's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.

Yo momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.

Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo momma's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts.

Yo momma's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.

Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.

Yo mama' so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!

Yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.

Yo momma's so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip.

Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo momma's so fat, when she works at the movie theatre, she works as the screen.

Yo momma's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.

Yo momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo momma's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.

Yo momma's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo momma's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.

Yo momma's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.

Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo momma's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo momma's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.

Yo momma's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo momma's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

You got to love George!

The State Park Commission has issued a warning to all outdoor hikers and campers concerning bears.

Due to the lack of natural food for bears, there has been increased human contact resulting in injuries. Some bears no longer have natural fear of humans, and the increase in incidents have increased.

The State Park Commission suggests these deterrents when hiking and camping to help avoid these situations: hanging tiny bells on your person to startle the bears, and carrying pepper spray in the event of a chance encounter.

The State Park Commission also has this helpful instruction to help you determine the difference between the bears you may come in contact with.

Black Bear feces usually have berries and branches within.

Grizzly Bear feces usually have tiny bells and smell like pepper spray.

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend

So tell your friends to be careful.

p.s. WalMart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

What about his father's wish?

He wished for their wishes to be granted....