Men-can't live with them......can't kill them all!

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a
neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34
and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was
attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither
of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted he'd been having an
affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I
hope this helps.

Sincerely,


Walter

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worm's and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!



If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Ever wondered what the advice column of Cosmo would like like if Men wrote it? Read on!

Q: My husband wants to experience threesome in bed with my sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. If possible, BEFORE!

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has
finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "after play?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him
a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartmentand buying him an expensive gift.

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Ever tried to decode a personal ad? Well, this should help you out.

40-ish..................................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit.................................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional................. ..........B**ch.
Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

This is too funny!

Mama has always said, “There are many fish in the sea.”
From the depths of the aquarium...

1.The Blowfish- We all spot him as soon as we start reading. The man, the myth, the legend. He has money, a full head of hair, and can’t stop rambling about how many women have previously found him attractive. (Where are they now?)

2.The Sucker Fish- This guy actually makes me a little sad. Girls, you know the ones…. They think somehow it’s attractive to write about how much they have been hurt in the past by other women. “Nice guy finishes last” syndrome has really whacked this guy in the ass. No one wants a push over. You’ve been hurt… we all have. Call it a learning experience and move on.

3.The Shark- Clearly states he is only looking for sex. If you are lucky, he’ll even add in a complimentary cigarette as you hail a cab on 11th and Washington. Nothing positive can come out of this, except in a herpes test.

4.The Guppy- Girls, be nice. It’s his first time on here. Plus, he is not even doing it on his own free will. His friends MADE him do it.

5.The Crab- This psycho has the “Girls are assholes, prove me wrong” mentality. Not exactly a prince charming. At least he is honest and says he is mildly attractive.

6.The Leech- Needy. “I need a date for wedding.” “I need a fun girl to come with me on a camping trip.” “I need someone to take this extra concert ticket I’ve spent over 100$ on and now can’t find one single soul that I know personally who would like to go with me.” This guy would latch on to any woman who showed interest. Who knows, may actually be a good time. Bring your mace and change your number after the show.

7.The Large Mouth Bass- This guy is opinionated and you better know it. Hates fatties. Can’t stand brunettes. Needs a married chick. Must have D cups. Big butt or else. Hell, at least he is honest. Might save a lot of time in the long run, sister.

8.The Clown Fish- He is charming, funny, and seemingly intelligent. Only one thing is missing… his picture. You start to think to yourself, is it worth the risk? May just be the man of your dreams, but more likely the kid in your philosophy class who wears a black robe and mumbles to himself.

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Boneyjoe-How you know about Ashley?

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sheriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Confession is good for the soul right? I married the same man twice, not many people knew we were ever divorced, so it is sort of a secret. I am not sure what got into me, but I am here to say I am glad it got out. Didn't work the first time, wonder why I thought it was going to work the second?

I knew when I saw hey ya'll it had to be someone from Georgia. Welcome from the bottom of the state.

I think I used to be married to number 5!

Call me crazy but Prince should be on your list, as well.

I am out of here for tonight, I have enjoyed it and will be back tomorrow.

A catava worm you have to turn him wrong side in, then you put him on your hook.

Nobody else was raised in the country?

Bad girl

Where is here?

six of one-half a dozen of the other