A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blowjob of my entire life."

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there naked on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B*tch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a B*tch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B*tch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his Trip."Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B*tch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to Visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his Dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a B*tch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B*tch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B*tch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, And that Son of a B*tch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B*tch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a B*tch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a B*tch, using a special Recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile slowly crept across his face as he said,

"You F*ckers are my kind of people!"

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."

Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"

A priest was arriving at his new parish in a small rural community.

One of the members met him at the train with his horse and buggy to drive him to his new church.

As they were going along the way, they passed a man in a pasture having intercourse with a cow. The priest was horrified; however, the man sitting next to him seemed completely unfazed and continued driving.

Pretty soon they passed another pasture, where the priest witnessed a man having intercourse with a sheep. Again there was no reaction from the driver.

A little further down the road, they came upon a man standing out in his pasture masturbating. The priest just couldn't take it any more.

"Stop right here, right now" the priest told the driver as he jumped out and went over to the man who was masturbating, "I don't get it," the priest said, "First we pass a man having sex with a cow, then we pass a man having sex with a sheep, and now we come upon you and you're masturbating. Can you tell me what is going on here?"

"Well, Father," the man drawled, "Many of us out here are poor folk, so not everybody can afford an animal."

A guy walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.

"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The druggist says.

"Well, I am, "replies the guy.

"You'll have to prove it," says the drugist.

So the guy rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows it to the drugist and finally gets his condoms.

A few days later, the same guy comes back in & tells the druggist he needs to get some flea powder for his dog.

"Got a dog license?" the drugist asks.

The guy reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog license and is finally handed his flea powder.

The next day he's back in the shop and hands the drugist a screw-top-jar.

"Here, smell this," he tells the drugist.

"The drugist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.

"That smells like ****!" cries the drugist, wrinkling his nose.

"Correct," says the guy. "Now two rolls of toilet paper please."

Two girls were sitting at lunch one day discussing their bosses. One said she had just quit because her boss was not strictly on the up and up.

"How's that?" asked the other.

"He asked if I knew the difference between sex and a corned beef sandwich?"

"What's that got to do with it", asked her friend.

"When I said no, he asked me if I would like to have lunch."

An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.

Young girl : "Ooh.. darling! 5 times?"

Old man : "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?"

A drunk staggers into the pub and orders whiskey.

"No," says the bartender. "You're already drunk, and you stiffed me for your tab last time you were here. Leave or I call the police.'

"Wait," slurs the drunk. "If you'll give me a couple drinks, I'll get up on the bar and fart 'Danny Boy' for you."

Before the bartender can say no, a howl of agreement goes up from the others sitting at their stools. One even offers to cover the Drunkard's' previous tab.

"OK", grumbles the barkeep. He pours 2 whiskeys, and the drunk slowly drinks them down.

"Up on the bar. let's hear 'Danny Boy'."

The drunk climbs up onto the bartop, with the help of the bartender himself.

He stands, drops his pants, bends over and "PTTTHHH" out drops a load of ****, covering the bar, stools, and the drunk's own legs.

"WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING?!!" screams the barman as he jumps backwards.

"Hey," replies the drunk. "Even Sinatra had to clear his throat."

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas." sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, father. Just a little gas."

She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you .. no one cares about the 140 million Muslims".

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardizing the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realizing that she was down to her last defense, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfill this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.

'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"

Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf. Let's go ask em!" So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.

Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"

Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."

Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.

Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."

So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"

Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"

Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said .. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again."

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're ****ing my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they saw a whaling ship in the distance, the male whale realizes that it's the same one that killed his parents so he turns to the female whale and asks if she'll help him get his revenge.

She's a little apprehensive but finally agreed, both gone to the either side of the boat and start to blow through their blowholes, rocking the boat until it capsizes.

The male whale starts to eat all the sailors when & notices the female whale swimming away. He followed and asked, 'Where are you going?' to which she replied, 'Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but if you think I'm swallowing any seamen you've got another thing coming!'

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."