HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor,
placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle,
excite, pacify,protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show
equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower,
shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about,
acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help,
acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear,
understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim,
nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a
crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I
die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world,
wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow,
dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go
back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.

lmao

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to
you!"





Hmmmmm...sounds like a cure to me....although I'll
just have to settle for some Tylenol.

A Professor was giving a lecture on *"Involuntary Muscular
Contractions"* to his first year medical students. Realizing that this
was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the
mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what

your ass-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what
he
had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's
called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on
a cat's a** and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
witha sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole
insheet.Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven
times!

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with

me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby
thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a

lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something
expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should
be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes
and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today
that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with
you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have
sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have
sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for

other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want

to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing

that I am a deep person and then I'd like to
have sex
with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =
I'm gay

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay
and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "Its okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."

LMAO, I did the same thing the 1st time i read it ...

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. All ten confirmed that he had slept
over, in fact, two claimed he was still there.

Thank you, one of my frav.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom
wearing long dressing gown.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note - must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for
fifteen minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it
has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area
but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and
you lose the water pressure.

Turn off the shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and
hour and a half getting dressed.



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at
her making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs (no).

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and
scratch your ass.

Fart.

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use
one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just
rinse it off.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the
soap bar.

Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a
shampoo Mohawk. Peek out of shower curtain to look at
yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice
water on the floor because you left the curtain
hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire
wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the
floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If
you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener
at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed.

Get dressed in under two minutes.

Fart.

This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story......

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water
and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the
fly... and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish
leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I
can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for
that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish.. the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch
time)
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. and that fish jumps for
that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots
that bear.. and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I
can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some ***** is gonna be in serious
danger.

Due to increasing products liability litigation,
Canadian Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with other members of the
opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you
getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really
scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a
disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps
of time may seem to literally disappear !!

Hello , all new here so if i post A Funny that's been posted be for
....OOPS SORRY



1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.



2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.



3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.


4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.


5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"



7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.



8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.



9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST
LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.



10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR



11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.



12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT...