Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself o ff, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there...
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'
The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelation.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another,
'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon !

'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I
would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm
broke and haven't got any money!'' and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open..
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.
''Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket
of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me
get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this
morning."

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
Her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her
some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and,
remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before
they knew it, she had drank the whole glass down to the
last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us
some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..

... ... ...

... ... ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone..'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bed room. He puts her on the bed and says, 'don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before..

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ...

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Sunday

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
SHE GOT THE RAISE

A blonde city girl marries a Kansas rancher. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one, right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder. 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde win once in awhile)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind
of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with
Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!

Growing up in the 50's, the Jewish comedians were just the very best... Enjoy!

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Tottie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor if you were old enough?

Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable? ' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I 've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she 'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'

* Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'
Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand? '
The doctor says, 'That's what puzzles me!'

* Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears. '
Doctor: 'Don't answer!'

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking. '
The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is "Not Now."

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be
filled with food if you should call.'

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part.'

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! Bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be
a nuisance to anybody.'

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother
on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.

13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don 't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I've just found one."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't, Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh, yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box; then shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room..
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home..

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,' she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved .
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
DO NOT know each other.

A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to Los Angeles and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls:$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Salt Lake City, Austin, Baton Rouge, Columbus, Tuscaloosa , and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Gainesville, Florida. Upon
entering a Church in Gainesville, he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: $0.35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor,
"Father Jones, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only $0.35 cents a call. Why?
The priest, smiling benignly, replied : "Son,
you're in Gainesville, Florida now, home of the Florida Gators - 3 times BCS Football Champions, 2 times Basketball Champions; it's the city with the prettiest women, the best parties, and the best state university -- it's got the best hospital, great food, great neighborhoods and some of the friendliest people in the world!
You're in God's Country....
It's a local call."
AMEN

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bathroom
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
*********************************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs,
and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says,
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."