A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,

'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into
a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and
loud conversation and every once in a while 'the
lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go
out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when
the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I
please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK,
but I should warn you that there is a statue of a
naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
' Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,'
said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the
back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came
back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough
to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to
the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why
did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,'
said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'But, I
still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see, laughed the bartender, 'everytime someone
lifts the fig leaf on that statute, the lights go
out.' 'Now, how about that drink?'

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait ti ll they mo ved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

FUKITOL
When all hell breaks loose, take one or two and nothing ever happened.

Check out this video about Ray Charles

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3193

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 80 . 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so dang grouchy around here.'

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Some are funny and some can go both ways.

A documentary that last almost two hours but worth the veiwing.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5547481422995115331&pr=goog-sl

Say what you think of it.

I have been sent two emails which state that I have a friend's request, yet when I log on there is no pending friend's request.
Please verify and advise.

I really love this one.
This is one of the better e-mails I have received in a long time! I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!!
So Be It!

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then,
so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments"
are not to be used in or on a
government installation, then,
so be it.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas
celebrations which honor the God
that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the " US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as
well as Sundays." After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."
In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....
What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions"
and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.
SO BE IT...........

Please Dear Lord,
Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!
'Amen' and 'Amen'
Touche!

These are definitely things I never thought about but from now on, I will be sure to question those in government who support these changes.

At the top, it says "I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!!"
Let's see that it does.

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door..

"OLD" IS WHEN .... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are cautioned to slow down b y the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

" OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You are not sure these are jokes

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too"

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you 're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say " f... you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a
little each month. But not enough to live on.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Uh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

It does sound wonderful, if you find it; but I must say that you are looking at it the wrong way - too one sided. All for you and none for him.... I sounds like you want a butler-servant more than a friend, lover and husband... we too would like some attentions once in a while - reasures us that we are wanted, care for and loved... remember everything in a relation is a two way street!

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer
are all working together one day and they come across a lantern.

A Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes in total." says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I
want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOOOFF!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state."

POOOFF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a
huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lone Star beer, smiles and says,
"Fill it with water"........

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?