I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered.

Blackmore's Night Ghost Of A Rose album

Amen

Improbable

I like long walks,and especially when taken by people who annoy me.

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Then go to "Blocked Users".
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Groucho Marx once said:

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.

Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

Zarauz Basque Country

I woke up screaming this morning. Then I had to apologize to everyone in the staff meeting.

Glasgow UK

Mick says to Paddy "How did the faith healing group go last night ?"
Paddy said "It was absolutely rubbish,even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out".

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pu**y has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Really ?.
Perhaps you will have better success if you uploaded your own photo.

Uberlandia Brazil

Inkubus Sukkubus

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an ONION.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your physical relation with wife?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I p*ss, my eyes water.
When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn.
And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”

Good one

Introduction to learning Irish:

Well
Oil
Beef
Hooked

Now say them all together quickly

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