Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend
or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right
side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it
sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is
looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.



More funny quotes .........

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in
the dark.
--------Michael L.


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
lose.
--------Weinberg




Funny sayings, Funny Words of Wisdom


1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the
statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?



And still more funny quotes


Cute Funny Quotes ! - THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOMS!!!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its
final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for
flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the ****pit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well,
skipper,
watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well, " says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the
hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and
dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all
night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new
stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to
the ****pit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips
over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The ! old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta
take a **** first

south west Virginia here...

One time, I was getting lunch at Taco Bell. I was trying to get home
quick so I could see the wife, so I had to go through the drive-thru,
because, you know, its fast. Anyway, I grabbed an extra drink for the
wifey, and then after ordering, I realized that I had no other way to
carry the damn thing because everything else had something in it. When
the girl at the window asked me if I wanted a cup holder, I for some odd
reason, just answered "Yeah, I forgot to bring the ***** today."

Funny how being married does that to you.

Thought some in here would get a kick out of this one..lol

"In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If
you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please
see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you
get
all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who dont take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took
S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they dont have to do S.H.I.T anymore,
and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may
be
interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to
manage
M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)


P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to a few people who need S.H.I.T in their
life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time.


Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.(The
D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)."

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a
newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively
on the youth's multicolored mowhawk. The teenager looks over at the man
and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in
your life?"
The man responeded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I
was just wondering if you were my son."

yep same here

ok we'll see..lol

g-nite for the like 5th time..lol go to BED....lmao

i think shes sleep typin now..lol

i think shes sleep typin now..lol

i think u 2 have your own language..lol

G-nite rain good talkin to ya

geesh girl had me confused again..lol my dads sleepin now hes on vp
during the day ALLLLL day..lol

god i could REALLY use a drink right about now...

You mean your Dad let you on here. :P....Huh???

forgot bout that..lol bad thing is 4 now its on kitchen table..lmao

gotta have money 4 those..lol

my imagination aint that good..lol