This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to

find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first

prize.



Christmas With Louise



As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his

fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to

fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true

because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were

overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.



One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses

and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those

things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.



If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only

confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does

this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it

to

the inflatable doll section.



Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many

different models. The top of the line, according t o the side of the

box,

could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I

settled
for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call

Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.



On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise

came to life.



My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee

morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the

dangling

pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some

cookies

and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went

home, and giggled for a couple of hours.



The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his

house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the

dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and

bark some more.



We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest

of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional

Christmas dinner.



My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,

"It's a doll."



"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had

several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.



"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.



"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, to steer her into

the dining room.



But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"



Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and

no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on

Granny, hang on!"



My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to

me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"



I told him she was Jay's friend.



A few m inutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to

Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we

realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.



The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had

died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise

made

a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she

lurched

from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in

front of the sofa.



The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and

Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began

administering

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and

wet his pants.



Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the

car.



It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.



Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to

decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had

suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.



Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored

her to perfect health!

My Dream Gurl ;-)

I knew it! I had to come back here & bring her to ya!

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!

thats fantastic, i might do that to my brother in law next yr. :)

Hey, Sluggo, if that's your dream girl, she's being unfaithful to you
with granda! Settle for grandma?