Here I am in the ,world, in the city, in the country. See me use, see me drink and see me suffer. "Am I happy?" I think I am. Well I say that I am, but nothing in my life goes right. I bounce from job to job. My partner are together and broken up. When we are together all we do is argue and when I am away from my partner I miss him/her. Like I said "I think I am happy." When my partner and I are together yes we argue, but we also say
"I love you." I control my partner. I say where we are going, what we are doing. When my partner is on the phone I ask "who are you talking to?" I also eaves drop on the other phone in the other room. I say "I trust my partner." (deep down though I do not trust him/her){but its really me I don't trust}[wont admit that though.] Then why do I lie to myself and say "yes I am happy?"

I get very upset and angry very easily. I walk around with a frown, head always looking at the ground, not looking people in the eyes. Don't say HI! to anyone. Just stay in my own little world, not caring about anyone or anything. Most time DO NOT even care about myself. Think of ways to end my life. Every time I try to end my life, something stops me from going through with ending my life. I keep thinking what stops me. Am I scared? Is there someone or something watching over me? Is there something out there that is waiting for me? If there is something out there I wish that it would hurry up.

When I look in the mirror I hate the person looking back at me. I think that the person in the mirror is ugly and mean. I ask the reflection "Am I happy?" the reflection always laughs and responds with a big smile and says NO YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. The reflection also says "I LOVE IT WHEN YOUR NOT HAPPY!"

I say "I love you" but only if.....(when I say I love you there are always strings attached) or I will be your friend if.... (you have something I want or need)

Starting to realize that the anger, fear and doubt is my own. I am not angry at the world. But still wont admit it. Still in my own little world. Also too starting to realize I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. My mind and heart starting to open up. Am learning to let go of stuff I no longer need to hang to. Giving it up to the Creator. Control issues starting to leave. Am I happy? Starting to be.

So here I am now no longer using or drinking and no longer suffering. Still in the same world, same city. When walking down the street I look people in the eyes and say "hello." No longer walking with my head down. My head is up and looking around. My partner and I never argue any more. So that means I no longer guilt trip my partner. I trust my partner 100 % cause I have trust in my self now.

I hear and listen to nature now. (the birds, animals, water and the wind. I understand what is being said to me from mother nature. My mind and heart is open now. I look at the world now with different eyes now. I see the 'PURE WHITE LIGHT OF THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH' in the world now. Everything is so bright.

I listen to and follow my heart now. I understand that it is ok for me to have my own thoughts and feelings and feelings and thoughts. I have learned to accept people for who and what they are. (UNCONDITIONALLY) When I look in the mirror I LOVE THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT ME NOW! (no longer do I hear that voice laughing at me) I am starting to have some balance in my life now with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, LOVE, LOVE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So when I say "I LOVE YOU" I say it freely with NO STRINGS.


NOW I CAN SAY I AM HAPPY!!!!

AND NOW 'I CHOOSE WISELY'
JOHNNIE5

How creative, and beautifully written...and, as I read, I realized I was reading about my life, from beginning to end.... 20 years ago. Thank you for sharing...and, May God bless and protect you always...

Sunnie

thank you sunnie and my the creator always keep u safe and mirrormirror thank u too for the flowers..


and remember


ALWAYS CHOOSE WISELY!!!!

nice to see you in this forum

ty pkh

Captivating...

I started reading it feeling one way and bam! what a turn around!


Well Done Johnnie5!

TY D4TC

Great Story!

I hope you keep writing and posting!!

ty claudette

Excellent write...

ty up2us

Great perspective man...... Cheers.....