Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous & powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you did the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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Husband: 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
Wife: 'Honey,' (replying sweetly) 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune."
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Girl: 'One kiss and I'll be yours forever.'
Guy: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humor.'

YOu missed your calling. You should have been Rodney Dangerfield.