Well, there are some expectations that would make sense to me, I think.

I would want her to feel that she had every right to expect me to listen, to be there for her, to help her deal with her problems in any way I possibly could, to make a commitment to the relationship --

Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way.

But I've always been "Supportive Guy" (an offshoot of the psychology studies, I suppose) and it's a very natural role for me.

Maybe the problem is that I've never run into an actual reciprocal "Supportive Girl." I mean, they pretend to be, but as soon as I fix everything for them, they're gone.

Gem always used to say that she hated the fact that things in our relationship were so one-sided. And they were, but I was OK with that. But she swore it was all going to change, and be more "equal," in that respect -- and when the time came where she could have lived up to that, when the time came when I really could have used her help, she took off.

You learn from these things.

Actually, Lex, you only learned about Gem (if I'm correctly understanding what you are saying).

And the 93 before her....I suppose, for scientific purposes, it's not a "statistically significant" sampling -- but it's enough for me....

Sorry to hear that, Lex.

I've had the opposite experiences.

Experience, Brutha, Experience!

You never do you just hope they do

Its in the way they look at you, hold you, kiss you.

Its in the way they stand by you at the darkest of times.

You became more emotionally available and she freaked out and ran. She didn't know how to handle it because she had her own fears of intimacy.

Also, any chance you may become bored with these girls after you "fix" them? They're no longer unattainable at that point. No longer a challenge.

IMHO, they are attracted to you because you are unavailable and I'd bet their seeking to change you is not conscious. My guess is that once one or both of you connects with the other, it either becomes boring or one or both of you get scared and it ends.

It's a valid point -- I do tend to be drawn to people who have a lot of problems -- so that's always a challenge, and yes, it does make things more interesting.

One of the psychologists I studied under habitually referred to me as the "rescuer type."

I'm a fixer, too, and have learned that sometimes people simply don't want to take advice and be "fixed."

My problem comes from a different direction -- I guess because everyone who comes into my life WANTS me to fix everything for them -- and I'm good at it.

It was explained to me, a couple years ago by someone far more qualified than I, that once you've "rescued" someone, they sometimes feel uncomfortable around you because you've seen them "at their worst" and they don't like the reminders of that time. So they leave.

Which makes sense, but -- they ALWAYS come back the next time they need to be rescued. So it turns into this ongoing cycle.

Takes one to know one.

Sometimes we are attracted to a person we unconsciously seek to change. Other times, we may be attracted to someone that reminds us of ourselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT0shH9DkTg&feature=related

aw I need to be "fixed" where is my fix it guy??? oh yeah, thats right..I'm a do it yourself kinda gal....ooops

Yeah, me too, only down here in the south (I guess because of the Confederate Connection), it was called the "lost cause" syndrome. Whaddya say we make a Kramer/Elaine agreement and if we're still not married in 50 years (I'll be 106) we marry each other!?!

Makes sense.

No one can predict the future. Sometimes a couple will stay together, sometimes they won't. I'm learning to try to let go of changing that which I am most (negatively) attracted to; and, instead, working on changing myself. In other words, addressing my own losses, fears of abandonment, and learning to reparent myself with the help of others. I accept that I am not perfect and may continue to slip and be drawn back to the same type over and over, but I am working on being gentler with myself and understanding that it is not my fault. At the same time, I am learning that there IS hope for my change, as long as I have willingness and am open to the emotional support of my peers.


See a book by Susan Peabody, first published in 1994 by Celestial Arts (Berkley/Toronto). It has a blue and green cover.

When you don't have to ask yourself that question.

Good answer.