A thought began to occur to me as I have began reflecting on my participation in dating sites like Mingle. What are people really looking for? What are the standards they have when looking for someone to date? What qualities rule people out as an option?
Like i said in a previous blog concerning euegenics I have began to get the impression that these standards people have may be something of shallow in nature. My question to you all is what is acceptable when ruling people out as a potential match? Age? Race? Height? Weight? Education? Health? Employment? Seriously now, what in your opinion allows us as far as standards go to have the right to still say we are a civilized decent society and people? Or is it really as simple as natural selection, where the strongest and "best" are the only ones fit for selection? Just curious if I am wasting my time?

not psycho or obese or both,and have to have a sense of humor

Basically all of them play a factor.
Physical appearance is a big one, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

I hate it when people are like, "I don't look for looks at all, I'm all about personality."

They're lying to you.
If you don't find the person even SEMI-attractive, you're not going to give a damn about their personality because you're not going to give them the time of day.

Ugh.

Okay everyone has their shallow physical or societal preferences
However, many people..just "click" and friendships form...sometimes more
this "click" occurs via chatting, conversation, interaction on a fairly regular or consistent basis
this interaction develops personal attachment and concern..which in turn can lead to more
more often than not, those shallow preferences do not matter you won't intentionally surround yourself with those you do not like

But a lot of that is highly subjective anyway. My standards are not going to be the same as yours (or probably anybody else's, for that matter).

I know what I'm really looking for; I also know that the odds of finding that person on a dating site are slightly worse than the odds of finding a 1963 Buick on Neptune.

You ask what is acceptable when ruling people out as a potential match -- well, that answer will vary from person to person.

Some of your examples -- age, race, height, weight, etc. -- are certainly among the most important criteria for many people, to differing degrees. But they are certainly not the only ones.

My preferences -- which is just a somewhat gentler way of saying "my standards" -- have been constructed on a foundation of experience (bad and good) combined with a growing awareness of what it is that truly appeals to me (as opposed to what is "supposed" to appeal to me, by societal expectations and norms).

Do we have the right to say we are a civilized decent society and people? I will turn that around -- what truly civilized decent society would deny its members the right to determine their own desires and needs?

Natural selection? I consider myself influenced by it -- inevitably -- but not a slave to it.

Because my standards are based on behavioral and lifestyle criteria, for the most part -- I don't want to be involved with anyone who drinks, who uses drugs, who has kids. This flies in the face of the "biological imperative" -- which has never been an imperative for me whatsoever -- quite the opposite!

Are you wasting your time? Let me put it this way -- if my only purpose for being on this site the past two years was to find a girlfriend, then I would have to say that I have failed miserably.

But there is so much more to this site -- so many great people, so much to learn -- if you see this as something much more than a simple dating site, then you aren't wasting your time at all.

I'm lookin fer my beer.......Iknow I set it down here.......somewheres............

oh dear, I'll go get ya nother one from tha ice box...have ya seen wally lately??

I would have to agree that in a ideal world that people just clicking as it were is preferable to natural selection but the question still remains. How do we as enlightened and intelligent beings have the right to say we are above such primitive biases when people's behavior as a whole says otherwise?

"Do we have the right to say we are a civilized decent society and people? I will turn that around -- what truly civilized decent society would deny its members the right to determine their own desires and needs?"

I would have to respond that first off there is a clear distinction between a desire"want" and a "need". Needs are strictly defined as something essential to survival or ones existence. Having a girlfriend is never a "need" and therefore not subject to a inalienable right. Im am simply questioning people's justification of their "wants" and desires in another person as "needs" and a reason to discriminate other human beings.

We all discriminate, to one extent or another -- does it have to be justifiable? And to whom? I don't see it that way. My "wants" are what they are -- it's not for me to have to justify them or for anyone else to question them. We all have the right to our own preferences, and to try to frame that into an issue of "decency" just strikes me as archaic and completely unnecessary.

The "wants" vs. "needs" things is nothing more than an exercise in semantics -- if you want to reduce "needs" to strictly survival issues, then sure, we'll go to food and water and shelter, etc., but none of that has anything to do with relationships.

I'm using "needs" in the somewhat broader sense of what are my "needs" in a potential partner -- the issue of whether the partner is a necessity, per se, is irrelevant to the topic at hand. A partner is not oxygen -- apples and oranges.

I think anyone who feels it necessary to justify their preferences to anyone else is spending too much time worrying about what other people think. If they want the rest of the world to influence their decisions to that extent, that's fine -- I wish them luck. I couldn't live that way.

but being "decent" has nothing to do with choosing a companion....
in friendship or otherwise...it either works or it doesn't

Why should anyone compromise themselves to "be" with somebody? If we are in fact an advanced species..doing so would indicate that we are not worth the intellect or civility

I don't even see how the concept of "decency" carries any applicability here in the first place -- decent in whose opinion? What's the definition of decent? It's too malleable to have any real use here, plus it carries some moral connotations that won't even work within the parameters of how some of us view human interactions in the first place.



And that's my point re: preferences -- they are what they are, and they vary from individual to individual. There's no code of "decency" here -- it's a matter of human preference within a specific context.

To shift this into a different context -- if you like broccoli, and I hate it, is there an aspect of "decency" inherent in one preference over the other? I don't think so -- you like one thing, I like another.

That's part of being human. Why make it overly complicated? I like what I like -- I don't care if anyone else agrees with me or not. They're not me, I'm not them. I just don't see the need to make it more difficult than that.

Well, one thing everyones attraction is not the same and all people are not shallow.

I find conventionally attractive people tend to be empty people. They have rode through life on their looks and do not develop any other part of themselves including attitude, personality, empathy, intellect, etc... So what really ends up being attractive about them after you get over their looks which only lasts for a short time?

Physical attraction is a short lived thrill and does not last the long haul there has to be alot more to the relationship.

So the people who are looking for personality and attitude in life will be more likely to find the long lasting love instead of the short term thrill.

i agree with dragoness.

the things i mainly look for for in someone is someone similar to me in personality. i am often so different it's really hard to find someone like me. if it was possible i would date a female clone version of myself. its not so much about arrogance as it i about really connecting, being understood, relating and being deeply loved.

i argued for hours with a girl who kept saying that.
she kept saying that she wanted a guy to like her for who she is and not what she looked like. of course she didn't have a pic posted. no surprise there.

i'm in the not rather than often category.
i have a friend who i'm not physically attracted to in the least. sorry to say it, but she's just never gonna be more than a friend.

People are lead to believe that the beautiful rule the world but in truth the unconventionally beautiful are the ones who really rule because they are the ones who really live and love deeply. My opinion of course.

Hopefully you will find someone who fits you well. The ones who are just like you do not tend to be the ones that you will get along with though at least that has been my experience.

To me its like selecting the right canidate for a job. You have a list of core requirements, desired requirements, and then thier role as a partner to you. And with all of that information, you then narrow down the list of potential canidates.

I believe that having individual standards makes us a civilized and decent society.

My core requirements(aka needs) for a partner are to
a)Have a job
b)Have a mode of transportation other than me
c)Not be into drugs
d)have similar values to mine
e)I have to be physicaly attracted to you (i have no set standard on this, i either am or am not)

My desired requirements(aka wants) are geared more twords my quirks and what makes me me. Those are what I look for as I get to know someone and change frequently.

You cant love something that you dont want, so why waste your time? To me, that would be uncivilized.

This is also a form of natural selection, Why would anyone want to make more lazy bums (assuming that its hereditary)? And a lazy bum would not be the best choice to help raise prosperous offspring.

Ditto. I could not say it better yourself.

High standards and low morals is what I look for in a mate