Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can be President. We can never get pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is your urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend..

Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. We are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on our face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave your face and neck.

We can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. We can simply "do" our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

We do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Farting is a source of pride and accomplishment No one expects us to actually cook for a pot-luck. We can live our entire lives without ever considering window treatments.

We never have to experience the pain of an unruly under wire, or the contortions needed to get into a pair of spanx. We only have to shave your face and neck and if you don't the stubble is kinda sexy. Grey hair is distinguished. We have heard of guilt, but don't get it.

Old friends don't give us **** if we've lost or gained weight. Our back side is never a factor in a job interview. All of our orgasms are real. We can leave a hotel bed unmade. We don't give a rat's ass if someone notices our new haircut. If you don't call our buddy when we say we will, he won't tell our friends you've changed. You get to jump up and slap stuff. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. SportsCenter (corollary: Baseball Tonight.) We can buy birth control without the drug store clerk imagining how we look naked. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies. We don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. If we make a mistake at work you don't have to worry that everybody secretly hates you. There is always a game on somewhere.

We can belch your way through the Star Spangled Banner, we can lose five pounds by just taking a dump, we can impress our buddies by lighting our own farts, you can tell someone off without being called a *****, you can wear a football jersey and not have it look like a dress, spiders don't strike fear into our heart, we can take a quick shower, get dressed in two minutes and look exactly the same as any other day, if we get a bad haircut we can just get a buzz cut, we can sport facial hair to keep us warm in the winter, and we can lay on our stomach without strategically placed pillows.


These are a few reasons I love being a guy.