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| Topic: Shallow Be Thy Name | |
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It is what it is. I've come to grips with it. I'm shallow. And superficial and judgmental and picky and overly selective and whatever else turns up in the thesaurus. And that's OK. I used to be one of those guys who didn't want to come across as too hung up on the physical stuff, the material stuff, the outward basics, even though those things mattered. Those things were never ALL that mattered, but they mattered to some extent, to varying degrees, and I saw how, on dating sites, people were just so DOWN on that perception. "Shallow" meant you were bad person. And I thought about that. Why? Why does knowing what you want -- and perhaps more importantly, what you DON'T want -- make you a bad person? And then I figured it out. Well, I had some help. A lot of people wrote me scathing notes (usually badly misspelled but often decipherable!) blasting me because I admitted I had deal-breakers, I had standards. And all of my critics were people who wanted to give me a hard time because my deal-breakers, my standards, excluded THEM. They weren't doing it out of any sense of fair play or equanimity or detached moral outrage -- they were doing it because they took my deal-breakers and standards as personal insults towards THEM -- people I never even knew existed until they wasted their time and bad spelling writing to me. Well, whose problem is THAT? Not mine. Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Because, at least most of the time, it's clearly BS. Embrace your shallowness, your superficiality. Deal with it. Don't go on pretending to be some Paragon of Virtue just because you can lie about what you're looking for. Save us all a lot of time. AND if you agree with this and think it fits you, make damn sure you identify it on your profile so those who are not can stay clear. No offense intended of course. The problem is that it would be radically out of character for them to do that. I mean, if the whole foundation is built on misrepresentations, then at what point does someone say "OK, I've lied about everything pretty much up to this point. Now it's time for me to tell everybody I lied" -- ?? What's the incentive? |
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Edited by
Dragoness
on
Mon 09/28/09 04:55 PM
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I agree, but I think most people aren't even capable of that. For some reason, so many people have become conditioned to personalize everything, whether it has anything to do with them or not. I'm not sure if this is due to arrogance, insecurity or a mixture of both. I guess it's the ego at work, when the whole world revolves around you, and anytime you can't have what you want- or when someone doesn't want you, whether you want them or not- it's like a blow to the solar plexus, and they feel this huge need to validate themselves and their choices, simply because they feel attacked. It's clear to me that the choice to feel attacked is just that -- a choice, on their part. I can't be responsible for their choices. If I go to the store and buy Pepsi (and I do), is that somehow an attack on Coke or any other non-Pepsi product? If someone chooses to interpret it that way, well, I really don't want to be the one to try to explain that "logic"! And yes, I wish people would accept the fact that not everyone is interested in them, nor should they be; if no one had any standards or preferences in this world, it'd be even more mucked up than it already is. Yeah, I would actually prefer that 99.99% of everybody NOT be interested in me -- there's no point, there's no common ground. The comparison to inanimate objects is a correct analogy for the shallow person. They objectify other humans to their standards which are of course not of much value since they are shallow, right? It is not a matter of feeling attacked. It is a character reference of the person. If you are a shallow person, you are looking for superficial false signs of worthiness in others. Human worthiness goes way beyond a physical realm and if all you can go on to determine worthiness of the human being is outward appearance that is your loss but everyone needs the warning that it is what they are dealing with so they can steer clear of it. |
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It is what it is. I've come to grips with it. I'm shallow. And superficial and judgmental and picky and overly selective and whatever else turns up in the thesaurus. And that's OK. I used to be one of those guys who didn't want to come across as too hung up on the physical stuff, the material stuff, the outward basics, even though those things mattered. Those things were never ALL that mattered, but they mattered to some extent, to varying degrees, and I saw how, on dating sites, people were just so DOWN on that perception. "Shallow" meant you were bad person. And I thought about that. Why? Why does knowing what you want -- and perhaps more importantly, what you DON'T want -- make you a bad person? And then I figured it out. Well, I had some help. A lot of people wrote me scathing notes (usually badly misspelled but often decipherable!) blasting me because I admitted I had deal-breakers, I had standards. And all of my critics were people who wanted to give me a hard time because my deal-breakers, my standards, excluded THEM. They weren't doing it out of any sense of fair play or equanimity or detached moral outrage -- they were doing it because they took my deal-breakers and standards as personal insults towards THEM -- people I never even knew existed until they wasted their time and bad spelling writing to me. Well, whose problem is THAT? Not mine. Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Because, at least most of the time, it's clearly BS. Embrace your shallowness, your superficiality. Deal with it. Don't go on pretending to be some Paragon of Virtue just because you can lie about what you're looking for. Save us all a lot of time. AND if you agree with this and think it fits you, make damn sure you identify it on your profile so those who are not can stay clear. No offense intended of course. The problem is that it would be radically out of character for them to do that. I mean, if the whole foundation is built on misrepresentations, then at what point does someone say "OK, I've lied about everything pretty much up to this point. Now it's time for me to tell everybody I lied" -- ?? What's the incentive? Are you speaking of the shallow person? Because I am. If they are shallow and proud of it. There should be no shame in putting it out on their profile in bold letters for all to see. |
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Personally speaking, I don't "want" anything from anyone. I'm not looking for a certain type, beyond female, that is...
I'm not actively searching for anyone though. If it does happen to occur that I were to meet someone, that would be okay. I'd be myself and the only expectation I'd have is that she'd do the same. If something grows from that and things work out to be condusive to a long term healthy,mutual and exclusive deal between us, then great. I'm not going to attempt to create a recipe for who that would be though... So anyone who looks at me and decides to explore a friendship, I'll consider recipricating that interest on a moment by moment, day by day basis. Luckily, I've never recieved a negative email. At least I haven't yet recieved anything that actually bothered me. I don't consider it a waste of time to talk to anyone. I think almost everyone has something to teach me, in some way or another. I'm not bothered, dejected, frustrated or lessened in any way by just talking to people. I won't let anyone rock my boat. I guess what I'm saying is that for me it's about friendship, first and foremost. Smores anyone? Sparkling zinfidel? |
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It is what it is. I've come to grips with it. I'm shallow. And superficial and judgmental and picky and overly selective and whatever else turns up in the thesaurus. And that's OK. I used to be one of those guys who didn't want to come across as too hung up on the physical stuff, the material stuff, the outward basics, even though those things mattered. Those things were never ALL that mattered, but they mattered to some extent, to varying degrees, and I saw how, on dating sites, people were just so DOWN on that perception. "Shallow" meant you were bad person. And I thought about that. Why? Why does knowing what you want -- and perhaps more importantly, what you DON'T want -- make you a bad person? And then I figured it out. Well, I had some help. A lot of people wrote me scathing notes (usually badly misspelled but often decipherable!) blasting me because I admitted I had deal-breakers, I had standards. And all of my critics were people who wanted to give me a hard time because my deal-breakers, my standards, excluded THEM. They weren't doing it out of any sense of fair play or equanimity or detached moral outrage -- they were doing it because they took my deal-breakers and standards as personal insults towards THEM -- people I never even knew existed until they wasted their time and bad spelling writing to me. Well, whose problem is THAT? Not mine. Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Because, at least most of the time, it's clearly BS. Embrace your shallowness, your superficiality. Deal with it. Don't go on pretending to be some Paragon of Virtue just because you can lie about what you're looking for. Save us all a lot of time. AND if you agree with this and think it fits you, make damn sure you identify it on your profile so those who are not can stay clear. No offense intended of course. The problem is that it would be radically out of character for them to do that. I mean, if the whole foundation is built on misrepresentations, then at what point does someone say "OK, I've lied about everything pretty much up to this point. Now it's time for me to tell everybody I lied" -- ?? What's the incentive? Are you speaking of the shallow person? Because I am. If they are shallow and proud of it. There should be no shame in putting it out on their profile in bold letters for all to see. I agree completely. We need to get past this idea that shallow = bad. It doesn't. It means they have standards, they have certain, particular requirements (regardless of whether others understand or agree) and these will play a large role in their decisions re: interactions with other people. My issue is with the majority who feel the need to PRETEND they aren't shallow, solely to avoid the possibility of being ostracized for it. When you read as many profiles as I do, you run into a lot of people who want to present themselves (In their profiles) as anything BUT shallow and superficial -- even though everything else about them shouts "I'm as shallow as an empty puddle!" loud and clear. |
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It is what it is. I've come to grips with it. I'm shallow. And superficial and judgmental and picky and overly selective and whatever else turns up in the thesaurus. And that's OK. I used to be one of those guys who didn't want to come across as too hung up on the physical stuff, the material stuff, the outward basics, even though those things mattered. Those things were never ALL that mattered, but they mattered to some extent, to varying degrees, and I saw how, on dating sites, people were just so DOWN on that perception. "Shallow" meant you were bad person. And I thought about that. Why? Why does knowing what you want -- and perhaps more importantly, what you DON'T want -- make you a bad person? And then I figured it out. Well, I had some help. A lot of people wrote me scathing notes (usually badly misspelled but often decipherable!) blasting me because I admitted I had deal-breakers, I had standards. And all of my critics were people who wanted to give me a hard time because my deal-breakers, my standards, excluded THEM. They weren't doing it out of any sense of fair play or equanimity or detached moral outrage -- they were doing it because they took my deal-breakers and standards as personal insults towards THEM -- people I never even knew existed until they wasted their time and bad spelling writing to me. Well, whose problem is THAT? Not mine. Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Because, at least most of the time, it's clearly BS. Embrace your shallowness, your superficiality. Deal with it. Don't go on pretending to be some Paragon of Virtue just because you can lie about what you're looking for. Save us all a lot of time. AND if you agree with this and think it fits you, make damn sure you identify it on your profile so those who are not can stay clear. No offense intended of course. The problem is that it would be radically out of character for them to do that. I mean, if the whole foundation is built on misrepresentations, then at what point does someone say "OK, I've lied about everything pretty much up to this point. Now it's time for me to tell everybody I lied" -- ?? What's the incentive? Are you speaking of the shallow person? Because I am. If they are shallow and proud of it. There should be no shame in putting it out on their profile in bold letters for all to see. I agree completely. We need to get past this idea that shallow = bad. It doesn't. It means they have standards, they have certain, particular requirements (regardless of whether others understand or agree) and these will play a large role in their decisions re: interactions with other people. My issue is with the majority who feel the need to PRETEND they aren't shallow, solely to avoid the possibility of being ostracized for it. When you read as many profiles as I do, you run into a lot of people who want to present themselves (In their profiles) as anything BUT shallow and superficial -- even though everything else about them shouts "I'm as shallow as an empty puddle!" loud and clear. I know I would want to know so I can disregard the shallow folks like they disregard others based on superficial stereotyping. |
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We are who we are, we like what we like, etc., etc. Truth is, being honest about it is too often seen as being self-centered, politically incorrect or some other negative. Face it folks....our society doesn't deal well with truth and honesty. Bravo, Lex. Lead on.
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We are who we are, we like what we like, etc., etc. Truth is, being honest about it is too often seen as being self-centered, politically incorrect or some other negative. Face it folks....our society doesn't deal well with truth and honesty. Bravo, Lex. Lead on. Thanks, I think you have summed it up very nicely. Awhile back, I started the Arrogant Narcissistic Conceited Jerks thread as a sort of counterpoint to the "Nice Guys" threads. Also because I was being called all of those things simply for stating my preferences and deal-breakers, etc., openly. I guess the bottom line, for me, is why should I pretend to want something I don't want at all? Who does THAT help? |
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Doesn't help anyone. I like what I like.....and the world can throw all the stones it wants. Fire away.
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It is what it is. I've come to grips with it. I'm shallow. And superficial and judgmental and picky and overly selective and whatever else turns up in the thesaurus. And that's OK. I used to be one of those guys who didn't want to come across as too hung up on the physical stuff, the material stuff, the outward basics, even though those things mattered. Those things were never ALL that mattered, but they mattered to some extent, to varying degrees, and I saw how, on dating sites, people were just so DOWN on that perception. "Shallow" meant you were bad person. And I thought about that. Why? Why does knowing what you want -- and perhaps more importantly, what you DON'T want -- make you a bad person? And then I figured it out. Well, I had some help. A lot of people wrote me scathing notes (usually badly misspelled but often decipherable!) blasting me because I admitted I had deal-breakers, I had standards. And all of my critics were people who wanted to give me a hard time because my deal-breakers, my standards, excluded THEM. They weren't doing it out of any sense of fair play or equanimity or detached moral outrage -- they were doing it because they took my deal-breakers and standards as personal insults towards THEM -- people I never even knew existed until they wasted their time and bad spelling writing to me. Well, whose problem is THAT? Not mine. Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Because, at least most of the time, it's clearly BS. Embrace your shallowness, your superficiality. Deal with it. Don't go on pretending to be some Paragon of Virtue just because you can lie about what you're looking for. Save us all a lot of time. word! 
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The more stipulations you put on what you are/ what you are not looking for makes it that much more difficult to ever be happy with something else. It amazes me when someone has this huge list of criteria that someone must fall into before you will even chat with them let alone date them! When I see this type of thing I often ask "and what are you offering?".
Example of this, your profile states you have an "average" build and are 5'6". Then we get to your photo. You are not exactly attractive. Now, being the superficial person I am, why would I even give you the time of day if you have nothing to offer, even in appearance, and you are on the short side for a man? It doesn't not matter that you could have a great personality, a fantastic lover, etc..if no one can get past the description to even know the rest. So the level of your shallowness is actually a detriment to you ever finding a suitable mate. Ah, then we get to your forum posts. They are one sided, you are closed minded to any new input, and you are condescending. So, I have to ask myself, "What the hell is this person thinking?" You should just take whomever would be willing to chat with you and marry that person immediately because, in reality, that is the best you will ever get. |
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Edited by
Calleigh12
on
Wed 09/30/09 11:44 PM
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The more stipulations you put on what you are/ what you are not looking for makes it that much more difficult to ever be happy with something else. It amazes me when someone has this huge list of criteria that someone must fall into before you will even chat with them let alone date them! When I see this type of thing I often ask "and what are you offering?". Example of this, your profile states you have an "average" build and are 5'6". Then we get to your photo. You are not exactly attractive. Now, being the superficial person I am, why would I even give you the time of day if you have nothing to offer, even in appearance, and you are on the short side for a man? It doesn't not matter that you could have a great personality, a fantastic lover, etc..if no one can get past the description to even know the rest. So the level of your shallowness is actually a detriment to you ever finding a suitable mate. Ah, then we get to your forum posts. They are one sided, you are closed minded to any new input, and you are condescending. So, I have to ask myself, "What the hell is this person thinking?" You should just take whomever would be willing to chat with you and marry that person immediately because, in reality, that is the best you will ever get. I don't have trouble finding men to talk to who fit my criteria, and it's not even listed on my profile. I guess it just depends on what you're looking for. |
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 Picky picky picky picky picky....pickier...pickiest Main Entry: shal·low Pronunciation: \ˈsha-(ˌ)lō\ Function: adjective 3 a : penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived <shallow generalizations> b : lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling <a shallow demagogue> =-=-=-= Main Entry: se·lec·tive Pronunciation: \sə-ˈlek-tiv\ Function: adjective 2 : highly specific in activity or effect <selective pesticides> <selective absorption> =-=-=-= Main Entry: picky Pronunciation: \ˈpi-kē\ Function: adjective Inflected Form(s): pick·i·er; pick·i·est Date: 1900 : fussy, choosy <a picky eater> |
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slowhand~
Well I'm seriously considering trading in this popcorn cart for one that is less awkward & lighter.Whew! It's quite nostalgic though & I will miss it terribly. 
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Some posts were removed.. My apologies to a coupe of good posters here, who just happened to quote the wrong thing. Mark |
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Gee....who knew a moderator needed a moderator?
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Gee....who knew a moderator needed a moderator? Is that shallow to point that out?    I can't be bothered being shallow. I can't be bothered sucking up. I can't be bothered attempting to appeal to the masses. I really can't be bothered getting energised by pontificating, and prosetylising. Quite frankly, I don't give a sh* t how others see my thoughts or my views. Shallow may be other's name....but mine can be 'can't be bothered'.  |
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The more stipulations you put on what you are/ what you are not looking for makes it that much more difficult to ever be happy with something else. It amazes me when someone has this huge list of criteria that someone must fall into before you will even chat with them let alone date them! When I see this type of thing I often ask "and what are you offering?". Except that I never said there was a huge list of criteria that that someone must fall into before I would even chat with them. Most of my friends here (maybe all of them) don't fall into that list. And, just so we're straight on the meaning of that word "huge" -- I have THREE absolute deal-breakers. Now, that doesn't strike me as a "huge" list. Your mileage may vary. Example of this, your profile states you have an "average" build and are 5'6". Oh, here's the problem. You were looking at the wrong profile. Mine clearly states I'm 5'10". Then we get to your photo. You are not exactly attractive. Now, being the superficial person I am, why would I even give you the time of day if you have nothing to offer, even in appearance, and you are on the short side for a man? I think 5'10" is about average, actually. I can't address your comments about the rest because you're obviously looking at the wrong profile. It doesn't not matter that you could have a great personality, a fantastic lover, etc..if no one can get past the description to even know the rest. So the level of your shallowness is actually a detriment to you ever finding a suitable mate. That's one way to look at it. Another is to see it as me being open and honest about what I want, and what I don't want. It's funny how some people get so rankled by someone just trying to cut through all the "red tape." I wonder if these people ever bother to stop and ask themselves "Why am I getting so bent out of shape because someone has a differing opinion?" Ah, then we get to your forum posts. They are one sided, you are closed minded to any new input, and you are condescending. Nobody is forcing you to read them. So, I have to ask myself, "What the hell is this person thinking?" You should just take whomever would be willing to chat with you and marry that person immediately because, in reality, that is the best you will ever get. I'm not planning on getting married again. |
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Look, I've read 4,893,218 profiles of people (men and women) claiming they want someone "decent" or "intelligent," saying "Looks don't matter" and "It's what's on the inside that counts," and I'm calling BS here. Looks really don't matter to me, though I understand why they do...like I said in another post, no one cares what's on the inside if the outside looks like it was left on the side of the road in a rainstorm right next to a mud puddle. Nothing anyone can do about it, regardless of us thinking we can. Deal with it, Lex has his stipulations, as we all do to some degree...like me, I can't date stupid... |
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Looks really don't matter to me, though I understand why they do...like I said in another post, no one cares what's on the inside if the outside looks like it was left on the side of the road in a rainstorm right next to a mud puddle. Nothing anyone can do about it, regardless of us thinking we can. Deal with it, Lex has his stipulations, as we all do to some degree...like me, I can't date stupid... There are people in the world who are so self-absorbed that they take everything personally, even when it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with them. Like I said earlier, not my problem. But you don't see me attacking people just because their standards are different from mine. I'll say I can't understand those standards, or I'll say I would never share them -- but I'll never attack anyone for them. Because we're all different people, with different lives and histories and rationales -- who am I to say "Your standards are wrong"? I'm not that self-absorbed. |
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