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| Topic: Real Love Doesn't Hurt | |
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Twenty years ago it was kept mostly behind closed doors or EVERYONE in public settings KNEW who the BAD MEN WERE,,,,and then women started getting out of abusive relationships.
But MANY STILL live THIS LIFE,,,everywhere, and if YOU asked them WHY? THEY would say its because THEY STILL LOVE THEM! And THAT twisted view of one who beats you and is mentally hurting your pride constantly,,,,,,allows THEM to FOOL THEIR SELVES into BELIEVING that their ABUSER, is justified for being harmful.... ITS CRAZY,,,,yet it still lives out here everywhere. And I might add that in the last seven years I have witnessed MANY girl and boy who has THIS style of FEAR and HOLD and PUSH and SHAOVE in them BOTH! NOW,,,where THATS going to end up,,,I have NO idea... But its real and at EVERY DAMN CLUB I have been in to have a drink or dance...IT SEEMS we are becoming ALL MORE VIOLENT!!!!!! 
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I was severely beaten by an x not too long ago. This really saddens me to hear  There are many things that you can do to heal. The best would probably be to see if you have a therapist in your area that practices EMDR. Very good results have been shown by those using it. Remember that negative memories are stored differently than normal memories, which is why you may feel like you do. I used to council women at a rape crisis center, and I have seen and heard the most despicable acts. It would rip my heart out. No person on this planet deserves to be treated this way. Please protect your self-esteem and know that NOTHING that your abuser has said to you was true. Your abuser said those things to control you, but only you can ultimately give them that control. Please take an hour each day and do something just for yourself because you're special. This could be doing anything that YOU enjoy, such as buying something just for yourself, taking a bubble bath, watching a favorite movie, reading a good book, participate in a favorite hobby, anything that brings YOU joy. This is YOUR reward, your treat, your hour EACH DAY for being special. Your self-esteem is so very important, and you need to nurture it. Several good books for you to read are 'The verbally abusive relationship' by Patricia Evens and 'Dragonslippers' by Rosland Penfeld. Also "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Your library should have all of them for you. Don't feel bad if it takes you a while to get your self-esteem back. This will all take some time. Remember, only nuns change their habits overnight  Okay, you made me cry. Don't worry, it's a happy cry. How kind and nice of you to write such beautiful things. What great ideas to just take time for ME. I don't always do that while raising two teenagers.. I will research EMDR. Not sure what that is. I am working through a crisis center to get a counselor and I do talk to one of them on occasion. I become stronger every day, and people like you that take the time to help and care are the reason I am a SURVIVOR. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.  
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I will research EMDR. Not sure what that is. It has to do with the way that your eyes and your memories are tied together and stored. Works incredibly well for trauma. Hopefully your counselor has already told you that you also need to set up some 'filters' into your life, so that your abuser doesn't have ANY direct contact with you. Get a P.O. Box number for communications and if he has to send you anything. Make him leave all voice messages on your cellphones voice mailbox. Magicjack can be set up to work this way with a voice mailbox and you'd have an extra phone line (plus free long distance) to boot. If your abuser plays games with your phone number then you can get a new one with a simple mouse-click. Decline to keep anything that belongs/belonged from your abuser at your place. You need to distance yourself as much as possible and gain control of your own life back. |
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Great advice once again. Thank you. I have long since rid myself of EVERYTHING that would even remotely remind me of him. I have blocks on my phone and text. Restraining order in place. He was violating it at first by trying to contact me in order to have the charges dropped. I promptly let the District Attorney know and that has ceased. He has been and is out of my life for good and has no way of contacting me. If he does even once, he will be arrested.
I won't let him win this battle to try to break me. I will overcome. Thanks again for your insight. |
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Heartsoul, your thread has touched me. I was severely beaten by an x not too long ago. I had broken bones in my face. He is barely going to get a slap on the hand for it. I still struggle with the memories of it; being beaten on my head and face with a closed fist. I am a small petite woman and he overpowered me very easily. I have never been through anything so traumatic in my life. But I am a survivor! Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry, all sorts of emotions come forth. Thank you for sharing. You touched my heart today. I'm sorry for your pain, but remember it's never your fault and you are not alone No one should ever have to endure violence of any kind! |
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Endless Thanx, Support and Love of YOU and this Thread, AS EVER and ALWAYS! (((((((C!))))))) ...  ... Back at ya Sis Much love to you always
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Heartsoul, your thread has touched me. I was severely beaten by an x not too long ago. I had broken bones in my face. He is barely going to get a slap on the hand for it. I still struggle with the memories of it; being beaten on my head and face with a closed fist. I am a small petite woman and he overpowered me very easily. I have never been through anything so traumatic in my life. But I am a survivor! Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry, all sorts of emotions come forth. Thank you for sharing. You touched my heart today. I am SO SORRY that THIS happened to you,,as to so MANY who have voiced here in this post. I wish that whoever done ANY HARMS,,was tied and made to suffer the SAME as they GAVE.. But we can't do that   I can only say THIS,,from my heart to all of YOU here. For EVERY BAD ASSS SCUMBAG HUMAN WHO THINKS HE'S A MAN THROUGH DOING THIS THAT THERE ARE TEN OTHER MEN TO HIS ONE WHO COULD NEVER ACT THIS WAY! KNOW THE SIGNS and GET AWAY,,,,,  TO MANY WAIT,,,,, TO LATE.. IT COULD BE YOUR """"LIFE"""" or YOUR CHILDS!!!!!!! Very true ((((T)))) ..... Get somewhere safe as soon as you can. Your life mat depend on it! |
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 You have many sistah~survivor~comrades in arms here(((((((Jlove)))))))... Strength in our love and numbers, on up ... We can ALL do this together! ... Amen to that ((((K))))
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Twenty years ago it was kept mostly behind closed doors or EVERYONE in public settings KNEW who the BAD MEN WERE,,,,and then women started getting out of abusive relationships. But MANY STILL live THIS LIFE,,,everywhere, and if YOU asked them WHY? THEY would say its because THEY STILL LOVE THEM! And THAT twisted view of one who beats you and is mentally hurting your pride constantly,,,,,,allows THEM to FOOL THEIR SELVES into BELIEVING that their ABUSER, is justified for being harmful.... ITS CRAZY,,,,yet it still lives out here everywhere. And I might add that in the last seven years I have witnessed MANY girl and boy who has THIS style of FEAR and HOLD and PUSH and SHAOVE in them BOTH! NOW,,,where THATS going to end up,,,I have NO idea... But its real and at EVERY DAMN CLUB I have been in to have a drink or dance...IT SEEMS we are becoming ALL MORE VIOLENT!!!!!! The violence has to stop! We must not be silent about domestic violence. It's never okay for someone to abuse you, in any way, shape, or form! 
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I will research EMDR. Not sure what that is. It has to do with the way that your eyes and your memories are tied together and stored. Works incredibly well for trauma. Hopefully your counselor has already told you that you also need to set up some 'filters' into your life, so that your abuser doesn't have ANY direct contact with you. Get a P.O. Box number for communications and if he has to send you anything. Make him leave all voice messages on your cellphones voice mailbox. Magicjack can be set up to work this way with a voice mailbox and you'd have an extra phone line (plus free long distance) to boot. If your abuser plays games with your phone number then you can get a new one with a simple mouse-click. Decline to keep anything that belongs/belonged from your abuser at your place. You need to distance yourself as much as possible and gain control of your own life back. Very good advice!
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In these situations silence is nothing but compliance!!!
Shout it in your strongest voice!!!
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I was severely beaten by an x not too long ago. This really saddens me to hear There are many things that you can do to heal. The best would probably be to see if you have a therapist in your area that practices EMDR. Very good results have been shown by those using it. Remember that negative memories are stored differently than normal memories, which is why you may feel like you do. I used to council women at a rape crisis center, and I have seen and heard the most despicable acts. It would rip my heart out. No person on this planet deserves to be treated this way. Please protect your self-esteem and know that NOTHING that your abuser has said to you was true. Your abuser said those things to control you, but only you can ultimately give them that control. Please take an hour each day and do something just for yourself because you're special. This could be doing anything that YOU enjoy, such as buying something just for yourself, taking a bubble bath, watching a favorite movie, reading a good book, participate in a favorite hobby, anything that brings YOU joy. This is YOUR reward, your treat, your hour EACH DAY for being special. Your self-esteem is so very important, and you need to nurture it. Several good books for you to read are 'The verbally abusive relationship' by Patricia Evens and 'Dragonslippers' by Rosland Penfeld. Also "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Your library should have all of them for you. Don't feel bad if it takes you a while to get your self-esteem back. This will all take some time. Remember, only nuns change their habits overnight Thanks so much for your insight and thoughtful words
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Great advice once again. Thank you. I have long since rid myself of EVERYTHING that would even remotely remind me of him. I have blocks on my phone and text. Restraining order in place. He was violating it at first by trying to contact me in order to have the charges dropped. I promptly let the District Attorney know and that has ceased. He has been and is out of my life for good and has no way of contacting me. If he does even once, he will be arrested. I won't let him win this battle to try to break me. I will overcome. Thanks again for your insight. I'm glad to hear that you will not let this break you. One day at a time 
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In these situations silence is nothing but compliance!!! Shout it in your strongest voice!!! Very true!
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...often easier said than done
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...often easier said than done Never said it would be easy, but you don't have to allow the abuse to continue. We all have choices, and you can choose to say, NO MORE! |
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Edited by
che_
on
Sat 02/27/10 06:18 PM
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I hesitate to post this because I feel that you are strong in your convctions, that you may have a different experience than mine yet...
You're right. We all have choices, yet don't you think that if one doesn't choose leave after you realize abuse is happening, that after years of it, perhaps it would be even more diffcult, harder to choose after being told that you have... no place to go, no money to get there and no one that cares? Don't you think that one tends to believe... her/his abuser? Maybe not, it is just my experience that for some to expect an abused person to JUST SAY NO... well, it isn't that it's enjoyed, it's more that you begin to believe that there is no way out or even unsure if it can be done without reprecussion without fear of... not making it on your own. I simply think that some people forget that the abused don't always see the way out as a choice. It has been two years almost, and the same comments and degrading statements, put downs, hateful and powerful words... go through my head everyday. He is no where around and yet he had such control, that he replaced MY thnking with his own, as much as I never agredd or thought I believed it. Years of hearing the same things... it just doesn't go away. I wonder if it ever will.... That's all. I did not feel I had a choice or I would have left years ago. The physical abuse is easy, it ... heals. Unlike the emotional. Fear and control, they are a mighty deterant. |
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Edited by
heartSoul
on
Sat 02/27/10 06:27 PM
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I hesitate to post this because I feel that you are strong in your convctions, that you may have a different experience than mine yet... You're right. We all have choices, yet don't you think that if one doesn't choose leave after you realize abuse is happening, that after years of it, perhaps it would be even more diffcult, harder to choose after being told that you have... no place to go, no money to get there and no one that cares? Don't you think that one tends to believe... her/his abuser? Maybe not, it is just my experience that for some to expect an abused person to JUST SAY NO... well, it isn't that it's enjoyed, it's more that you begin to believe that there is no way out or even unsure if it can be done without reprecussion without fear of... not making it on your own. I simply think that some people forget that the abused don't always see the way out as a choice. It has been two years almost, and the same comments and degrading statements, put downs, hateful and powerful words... go through my head everyday. He is no where around and yet he had such control, that he replaced MY thnking with his own, as much as I never agredd or thought I believed it. Years of hearing the same things... it just doesn't go away. I wonder if it ever will.... That's all. I did not feel I had a choice or I would have left years ago. The physical abuse is easy, it ... heals. Unlike the emotional. Fear and control, they are a mighty deterant. I would never judge anyone. I was told all that and more. I left with NOTHING! No clothes furniture, car, nothing. Picture me lugging my baby and 2nd child down the street with no where to go. Or at least that's what he had me to believe. I had friends and family to help me, and if it weren't for them I would be dead right now and so would my children. I used to believe all the lies that were told to me, but I know now that my ex had a serpent tongue (still does). He was abused as a child and thought it was okay to continue the cycle. Fear and control are very strong deterrents. But once I let go of the fear and shame, and anger for letting it go on for so long, I knew it was time to go. I had to go to save my self esteem, spirit, and life. I also saved his because if I had stayed one more day, all hell would have broken loose and I would probably be locked up for life. Never said it was easy, but it was truly necessary for all concerned! |
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I hesitate to post this because I feel that you are strong in your convctions, that you may have a different experience than mine yet... You're right. We all have choices, yet don't you think that if one doesn't choose leave after you realize abuse is happening, that after years of it, perhaps it would be even more diffcult, harder to choose after being told that you have... no place to go, no money to get there and no one that cares? Don't you think that one tends to believe... her/his abuser? Maybe not, it is just my experience that for some to expect an abused person to JUST SAY NO... well, it isn't that it's enjoyed, it's more that you begin to believe that there is no way out or even unsure if it can be done without reprecussion without fear of... not making it on your own. I simply think that some people forget that the abused don't always see the way out as a choice. It has been two years almost, and the same comments and degrading statements, put downs, hateful and powerful words... go through my head everyday. He is no where around and yet he had such control, that he replaced MY thnking with his own, as much as I never agredd or thought I believed it. Years of hearing the same things... it just doesn't go away. I wonder if it ever will.... That's all. I did not feel I had a choice or I would have left years ago. The physical abuse is easy, it ... heals. Unlike the emotional. Fear and control, they are a mighty deterant. Che, I am so sorry that you are and were going through this. How very painful. I was lucky because the person that beat me was not living with me anymore and hadn't been for awhile. I was luckily already independant financially from him. But it wasn't easy to just let him go even after what he did to me in front of my kids because I still loved the person I thought he was. Boy, that sounds messed up, huh? I hear you loud and clear on the control issue because he did the same to me even after he beat me senseless. You are correct, easier said than done in many instances. I would have dumped him long before but I was living with him and we paid the bills together; and like you said, I feared him. And he controlled me. Again, I am so sorry, my friend. May you find peace and love. Jen |
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I hesitate to post this because I feel that you are strong in your convctions, that you may have a different experience than mine yet... You're right. We all have choices, yet don't you think that if one doesn't choose leave after you realize abuse is happening, that after years of it, perhaps it would be even more diffcult, harder to choose after being told that you have... no place to go, no money to get there and no one that cares? Don't you think that one tends to believe... her/his abuser? Maybe not, it is just my experience that for some to expect an abused person to JUST SAY NO... well, it isn't that it's enjoyed, it's more that you begin to believe that there is no way out or even unsure if it can be done without reprecussion without fear of... not making it on your own. I simply think that some people forget that the abused don't always see the way out as a choice. It has been two years almost, and the same comments and degrading statements, put downs, hateful and powerful words... go through my head everyday. He is no where around and yet he had such control, that he replaced MY thnking with his own, as much as I never agredd or thought I believed it. Years of hearing the same things... it just doesn't go away. I wonder if it ever will.... That's all. I did not feel I had a choice or I would have left years ago. The physical abuse is easy, it ... heals. Unlike the emotional. Fear and control, they are a mighty deterant. Che, I am so sorry that you are and were going through this. How very painful. I was lucky because the person that beat me was not living with me anymore and hadn't been for awhile. I was luckily already independant financially from him. But it wasn't easy to just let him go even after what he did to me in front of my kids because I still loved the person I thought he was. Boy, that sounds messed up, huh? I hear you loud and clear on the control issue because he did the same to me even after he beat me senseless. You are correct, easier said than done in many instances. I would have dumped him long before but I was living with him and we paid the bills together; and like you said, I feared him. And he controlled me. Again, I am so sorry, my friend. May you find peace and love. Jen
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