July 14, 2007 -- I learned a valuable lesson -- again. The lesson is: listen to your gut. Because sometimes it's smarter than your brain.

I had a friend. Great person, smart and funny and caring and helpful. But she had some serious psychological issues -- she would go from loving to hateful-flamethrower mode at the drop of a hat. And when she got like that, there was no reasoning with her. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong. I'm a natural "helper," I'm drawn to people who need help, and I thought I could help her. I wanted to help her. As sometimes happens, she got attached to me. Truth to tell, I was getting attached to her, too, on some level, although there were obstacles. I never lied to her, I told her what the obstacles were, and why they were obstacles in the first place. That was one more thing she wanted to argue about.

It's always a bad sign when someone gets too demanding, when they want to monopolize your time. I was able to overlook that for a long time, because of her good qualities, because underneath all the hate and venom and abuse, there is a good soul there, a loving person who, I am convinced, wants nothing more than to love and be loved.

But I can't love someone who is either smothering me or treating me like garbage. I can work with that for awhile, but there's a line to be drawn. And that line got crossed and I had to step away. Not because I wanted to, but because I know what happens if I don't. She would tell me how much she loved me one minute, and condemn me the next for paying attention to something other than her. I thought this was unreasonable; in her more lucid periods, I would try to explain this to her. She said, "I will change that," but it was futile. The behavior is too ingrained.

I think she has the potential to be a very happy and productive person if she can, at some point, abandon this need to dominate and control another person's life. Or maybe she will find someone who needs to be controlled....? All I know is it won't be me. I've been married once, I know what the whole "control" issue is all about. Never again.

The real red flag, in retrospect, was the fact that she chased me anyway, even when she knew I historically don't get involved with anyone who has kids. She has kids. She asked if there had ever been any exceptions, and I said yes, there had. Those were a very long time ago, but I can't rule anything out, totally, because you can't anticipate every situation that could possibly occur. (Lorie asked: "If Teresa showed up at your door, and she was pregnant, would you take her back?" Duh, YES!) But, in this case, it was a huge obstacle, as was the distance. As were a few other things.

I was certainly willing to get to know her as a friend. Anything beyond that was for the future to decide; I had no expectations in any particular direction -- I just wanted to learn all I could about her, and help her with her struggles. As I hoped perhaps she would help me with mine.

That's what friends are supposed to do.

But, over time, it became more and more one-sided. She would want me to go to this site or that site, to play this game or that game, or whatever. Never mind if I was doing something else. I was expected to cater to her every whim. Like I say, that gets old pretty quickly. She was angry with me one night because I wouldn't write an e-mail for her, apologizing for a minor mistake she had made earlier in a note to one of the site admins. I said, "It wasn't my mistake, why should I write the note?" She said she couldn't do it. She said she was in tears over the thought of it. This kind of instability disturbs me. She was upset that I seemed to be more popular on the site than she was -- which I categorically deny. I post a lot; people know who I am. I am not popular.

I finally decided I am simply not physically or mentally capable of putting up with this abuse anymore. I am not here to be treated like garbage. I am here to make friends, and contribute thoughts and ideas, to help people when I can, and -- maybe -- to meet someone special. I do not hold out much hope for that here, because the locals don't want to talk, and the people who do seem to like me are very far away. I have already set up accounts on other sites -- not because they are better (they're not -- as a venue where one can relax and enjoy oneself and make friends, JSH is second to none), but because there's a chance their locals are actually looking to get to know someone.

My gut told me, months ago, that this situation would only lead to more pain and suffering. I don't listen well; all I heard (and saw) was a wonderful girl who was going through some rough times, and who needed someone to lean on. How many times have I played that role? And how many times has it come back to burn me? But it's practically a reflex by now -- I don't think about it, I just do it. Not sure I could quit even if I wanted to.

I think I may have actually learned for real this time, though....
================================================================


Do you not think I do not know who this is directed towards? I just wanted to say I am sorry for being scrared, I just want to say I am sorry for feeling alone and desperately desiring love. I am sorry for just wanting to feel wanted for a chance. But the true this, above all else I am scared to death right now. I have so much crap going on in my life I do not know how to deal with it, I am doing the best I can, between this f*cking cancer, the lost of my son, the charges on my EX, I am doing the best I know how. I really am, I am not strong like people seem to think I am. Yes I have problems both physically and mentally. But all I ever really truly wanted was a friend to stand by me through it all. So I did not have to be alone and maybe over time not as scared. I am human I make mistakes, but for the most part I am trying my damnedest to do the best I can with what I have. This medication is really doing a number on me. I know I am not myself. I hate taking this stuff. But I have no other choice right now.

But all I needed all I wanted was a friend to be by my side. In the most darkest time of my life.

what the *ell is that all about?
sounds like a pity party to me

Whos saying what and why and wtf and bbq?

aw whisper you are in my prayers gal and i hope things get better for ya.. hang in there pls

MD, sounds like a freind crying out in need.

(((whisper))) hang in there Sweetie. Email anytime, ok?

Karen

Folks - this type of communication should be reserved for mail. The forums are not the proper venue for more personal conversations.

Thanks for your cooperation.