Any thought or critiques

Hi,

I noticed that you hadn't gotten any critiques yet, and thought I might help.

You wrote:

Hey everyone, I Coach here in Asia, and am just looking for a lovely girl to meet.

I am American I grew up in the USA. From California. I am 21 years old. I have lived in many different parts of the world. Saipan, Guam, Thailand, Philippines and Taiwan. I hope to find a serious girl who is looking for something more than a foreigners money and a short fling with. Hope I can find a sweet girl here, living here now in Baguio hope to me nice girl while I am here.

My thoughts:

You coach in Asia? That's a huge area - hell, it's an entire continent. Do you live in one place and travel all over the place with the team, or what? I think it would make a woman wonder if you have the time for her if you can't clarify that better.

I would avoid mentioning how some women are gold-diggers, etc. It comes off as whiney and I would wonder what kind of guy you were if you weren't able to avoid that type of woman in the first place.

I see too many profiles that say "no this" or "tired of that" and that tells me they must be clueless and make the same mistakes over and over. Either that or they just are bitter. No thanks.

In your last paragraph, you make it clear that this relationship will end when you leave and head back to the states. What is your goal? Finding some sweetie to have fun with for a while? Finding a potential wife? Either set the expectations of long-term, or omit the reality of very short-term.

How about this instead:

Life is good - I'm 21 and living my dream of coaching XXX in (some part of asia) - something I've wanted to do since I was a kid growing up in Califoria. I love to travel and have been fortunate to have lived in X, Y, Z -a great part of the world to experience, no doubt.

I'm now living in XXX city and would like to meet a like-minded, sweet (but serious), attractive woman for fun and adventure in the big city and see what develops from there.

While work has me travelling several days per week, I am in town XXX days per week and enjoy dinner/concerts/??? here in XXX city all the time.



Hope I helped in some way...

Chris