It is finally here - the complete guide for men: "Everything you wanted to know about IMing women and was afraid to ask"

NOTE: This guide is protected by copyrights laws of the European Union. If you want to plagiarize it, you gotta buy me a case of 36 year old single malt scotch

So all you men out there know a thing or two about computers. However, we know nothing about women, so when we need to face them both, we're even more confused. This guide will shed light on the sometimes painful subject, and will make you understand this IMing process, and what is REALLY happening behind the scenes.



Part 1: Initiating a chat

Since men put women on their favorite list like there will be no women left tomorrow, we will assume that the woman you want to contact is already in your favorite list. Next to the profile name (hotblondewithbigboobs, for example) click the "Instant Message". The "top of the line" flash software will greet you for few seconds, and then a chat window will appear. Notice that the first line you enter may not be seen by the woman (look at "part 2: is she ignoring you?" for more information). The best thing to type is "Hi", and you will see a red line that says she's waiting to connect.



Part 2: Is she ignoring you?

After typing the first word, you enter what is called the "waiting period". What you want to see is another red line indicating that the woman's chat window is open. However, this may not happen for two reasons:
The "Bill Gates" factor - like 110% of the computer users, the woman you contact is using Windows, which has built-in pop-up blocker. She simply may not see your chat attempts, while you are waiting.
The "Get off my f*cking screen" factor. The woman simply doesn't want to chat with you, and presses "no" when the chat request appears.



Part 3: The chat window is open - now what?

Congratulations! You got the message that the woman opened her chat window. She can now see every pathetic used-up pick up line you'll decide to write. But hold on just one second, because it is quite possible the chat window opened up by itself - if the woman does not have pop-up blocker, or she allows pop-ups from this site; in other words, every chat request from any guy, whether his nick is "fugitive_serial_killer" or "cutest_guy_on_earth", will be answered. But since we are trying to be optimistic, we would assume that the window was opened intentionally. Simply write "hi", and wait for her response. You now enter the "am I too ugly to get a response" period. If the woman "hi" back immediately, it is very likely that she hasn't looked at your profile yet. In other words, you still might be ugly. If the window was closed within the first 5 seconds, game's over guys - move to the next fish. If the window is open more than 10 seconds, continue to part four "She gave you a chance, you got the ball".




Part 4: She gave you a chance, you got the ball

The woman responded, and the window is open over 10 seconds, but it's not over. If you are 5’9” and you emailed a taller woman, or if you are borderline what she wants, keep reading. If you think you're exactly what she wants, skip to part 5. So you're short and stocky when she asked for tall with six pack, but she still kept her window open! You enter the "You have 10 seconds to impress me or I send you off" period. Be creative, be funny, be original; I really can't help you on that one, I suck.




Part 5: I'm the man of her dreams, and I know that

What do you need my advice for? Go get her!




Part 6:

Everything about multi-chatting
You are having a chat, and the woman replies with short answers like "lol", "ok", etc, and there is a delay between your lines to her replies, then you got yourself multi-chatter. Why is she doing that? You really gotta be kidding yourself that she is chatting only with you. Haven’t you watched the Discovery channel programs? Every single female out there has lots of horny males around, so you be quite sure there are more guys trying to chat with your lady, which makes your job much harder. Now you got to compete with other men in real time, so if you felt hopeless enough to use those pickup lines, don't.

First of all, you need to know how many men she is chatting with. I developed a special math formula to help you calculate how many guys you are against, and that's how it goes:

1) Write your line.
2) Count the seconds until her response.
3) Count the number of words in her response.
4) Multiply the answers you got for 2 by 3.
5) Get a life. Who the f*ck cares how many?

So this is it. If you had any confidence about chats on this website, I'm sure I killed it...

What in the world are you talking about
sounds like to me noone will chat with you

I forgot to mention that I got that in an email.

Tell them to stop sending you e-mail.