It's posted in a HUMOUR forum.
No need to get all windy about it.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?

Hang on to your nuts.
This ain't no ordinary blow job

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed
'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said
'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied,
'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!..!"

I was eating my Chinese meal last night and well.
It made me think!
There's thousands of Chinese restaurants and takeaways all over America which means there are loads of Chinese people!
But how many Chinese funerals have you seen?
I've never seen one!
So what they doing with them?
Then. Looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls I'm thinking chickens don't have balls that big!.

A friend of mine in Cleveland has two tickets for the 2017 Superbowl Final in Houston.
They are box seats plus travel and hotel accommodation.
He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him:
It's at the Pentecostal Church Cleveland Ohio at 3pm.
Her name is Susan.
She will be the one in the white dress.

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?"
Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Chicago.
I've heard the people are crazy there.
They've a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied,
"I've lived in Chicago all my life.
It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said,
"Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is.
It’s Donald Trump!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful man hell bent on the destruction of USA.


THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.

"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

A small town church had an attractive organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done or they would fire this one and get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

I went to my daughters for lunch yesterday
Afterwards while sat on the sofa, I said to her.
"Have you got todays newspaper?"
"Oh Gramps,"
She replied.
"This is the 21st century.
Use my tablet !"
I'm tellin' ya friends.
That freakin' mosquito never knew what hit it !!!

When I got up this morning, I found one of my socks in a pan on the stove.
I asked the wife what was going on and she said I'd told her to do it, when I came in from the pub last night.
I can't remember telling her to cook my sock.

Don't give up your day job

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace.
Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: He liked to eat grass. Not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower redundant.
And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside.
He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.

A tough old sheep farmer from the Scottish Highlands gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the start of the Great War in 1914.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast porridge every morning.
The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 109.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 20 metre hole where the crematorium used to be.

The resemblance is uncanny

Stevie Wonder has just finished a comeback sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.
This little Japanese chap at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
The little Japanese guy shouts
"Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"
so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No"
he shouts
"play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts out again......
"No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says
"how does that go then?"
To which he replies.....
(in your best Japanese accent)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."A jazz chord to say I ruv you......

Typical.

Dish out the crap, but can't take it.

Once upon a time, there was a family of gnus, crossing the sveldt, Daddy Gnu, Mommy Gnu and Baby Gnu.
Unfortunatly for the Gnus, Daddy Gnu was attacked and eaten by lions...Baby Gnu was so scared he ran away never to be seen again,
Mommy Gnu died of grief.


That is the end of the gnus........... now here's the weather