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Topic:
Another 50 Shades of Grey
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He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.
Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest, her face was flushed...she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt. Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath, she said, "OKAY!!, OKAY!! So I CAN'T parallel park the freaking car!!!!"    |
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 03/29/14 04:27 PM
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life...  
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Aztec
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 03/21/14 05:01 PM
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Rubs her eyes when she wakes up in the morning, because she doesn't have a pair of balls to scratch.
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 03/21/14 04:53 PM
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Sticks needles in condoms on store shelves.
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Expand
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Topic:
Eton Mess
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Ingredients
500g/1lb 2oz strawberries, hulls removed 400ml/14fl oz double cream 3 x 7.5cm/3in ready-made meringue nests, crushed 1 tbsp ginger cordial sprigs of fresh mint, to garnish Preparation method Pur�e half the strawberries in a blender. Chop the remaining strawberries, reserving four for decoration. Whip the double cream until stiff peaks form, then fold in the strawberry pur�e and crushed meringue. Fold in the chopped strawberries and ginger cordial. Spoon equal amounts of the mixture into four cold wine glasses. Serve garnished with the remaining strawberries and a sprig of mint. ENJOY 
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Topic:
Valentines Day Plea
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To My Ever Loving Wife.
During the past year, I have attempted to seduce you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. This averages once every 30 days. The following is a list of the reasons for which I did not succeed. We’ll wake the children – 7 It’s too hot – 15 It’s too cold 5 Too tired – 39 It’s too late – 16 It’s too early – 22 Pretending sleep – 60 Windows open, neighbours might see/hear - 9 Backache – 16 Toothache – 2 I’m too full – 4 Giggles – 4 Not in the mood – 21 Watched the late show – 7 Baby crying – 19 Watched the early show – 5 Mud pack – 5 Grease on face – 21 Reading in bed – 7 You’re too drunk – 5 Reading Sunday paper – 52 Headache – 10 Do you think we could improve our record this coming year?????? PLEASE BE MY VALENTINE; Hopefully, Your Ever Loving Husband 
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Topic:
WHY I'm NOT a Cat Lover
Edited by
uk1971
on
Tue 12/03/13 09:05 AM
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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. This weekend, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. That morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. This morning I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" One asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than mine!  
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Topic:
One of THOSE moments
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 11/10/13 12:15 PM
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Topic:
Superman needs a lift.
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  Don't see anything funny in it. Just a video clip. 
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Topic:
WOULD YOU ?????
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Lust all the way.
I'm at an age now when love is a distant memory. Now I'm just a horny old man. LMAO  |
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We agreed to meet for a picnic on Saturday by the river.
The green patch in the field by the river where we had planned to meet was covered in cow pats. On Sunday we agreed to meet at the little pub further down the river. Sunday arrived, as did we. Unfortunately, the pub was overrun by bikers on their way to their annual Hells Angel meeting. On Monday we agreed to meet for coffee in the village cafe. Sadly. Sunday night brought one of the stormiest nights in years, and the river level rose overnight putting the village cafe in danger of being flooded. Tuesday. River levels had dropped. We agreed to meet on the cycle path with our bicycles and to take a ride. Unfortunately the river levels had not dropped sufficiently and the cycle path was still underwater, On Wednesday The sun shone once again. We agreed to go the village cinema. DAMNIT!!!! The rivers water levels were STILL to high and it flooded the cinema generator room. Thursday we decided not to meet as you were meeting your girlfriends. Friday we agreed to go berry picking by the river. Curses. Because of the recent floods, all the bushes were washed clean of any fruit. On Saturday the river levels were back to normal. The sky was blue... The sun was shining... EVERYTHING was perfect..... Not a cow in sight No bikers The village cafe was once again open for business Friendly bike riders rode by, waved and said 'Hi' The cinema was once again open for business and the latest Hollywood blockbuster was premiering Your girlfriends were meeting THEIR boyfriends Berries on the other side of the river had survived the recent bad weather. We agreed to meet WITH our bicycles on the bridge by the cafe crossing the river. You would bring the picnic and I would purchase drinks from the pub. As I waited outside the pub you appeared on your bike wearing the beautiful blue dress you had on the day we first made contact online. As you rode over that bridge a Hells Angel who had stayed on in the village after the meeting was going the other way. Sadly he did not see you as he sped over the bridge skidded through an earlier laid cow pat, knocking you off your bike over the bridge and through the berry bushes into the river. AFTER I had helped you OUT of the river we went into the pub were the landlord kindly allowed you to dry yourself off. His wife, also, kindly lent you a pair of jeans and a blouse while your dress dried off. The local handyman retrieved your bike from the river and the Hells Angel paid for the repairs. We then decided to go the cinema. WHEN we got there, we discovered that the film had been cancelled as the projectionist had been taken to hospital due to watching the antiques over the course of the week of a couple from a tree when the branch of the tree he had been hiding in had broken and he had fallen into the river, and he had been admitted to hospital suffering a fractured shoulder. We agreed to meet on Sunday next to the Nuclear power station next to the river.......!!!!!!!! WHAT could possibly go wrong meeting by the river? 
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Topic:
One For The Ladies
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    Now Get back in the kitchen.
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Bones
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 9
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Morose
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Slim
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 Cute... Big cats can be dangerous, but a little p�ssy NEVER hurt anyone. 
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 9
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Procrastinate
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Choice
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