A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery.
He went to the monastery and knocked on the door.
An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car.
As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.
The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said,
"We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.
Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery.
The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car.
That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied,
"We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man said,
"All right, all right.
I'm dying to know. How do I become a monk?"
The monks replied,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery.
He said,
"I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."
The monks replied,
"Congratulations.
You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked.
He said,
"Very funny.
May I have the key?"
The head monk gave him the key, and he opened the door.
Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone.
The man demanded the key to the stone door.
The head monk gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demanded another key from the head monk, who provided it.
Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the head monk said,
"This is the last key to the last door."
The man was relieved to no end.
He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
However…….. I can't tell you what it was because .........
...............................
..............................
…............................
............................
...........................
..........................
.........................
........................
.......................
......................
.....................
....................
...................
..................
.................
................
...............
..............
.............
............
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
You're not a monk.
,

.
.
.
.
.
.
....Taxi ordered....

A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid him at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.
It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail.
A hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar,
"Thanks; but we prefer fruit."

The President went fishing with his wife, the first Lady.
On the way they met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the President the farmer said,
"Mr President, you should return to the White House at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The President was polite and considerate, he replied:
"I hold the White House meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
And besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So the President and the first lady continued on their way.
However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky.
The President and his wife were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the president returned to the White House and gave the order to fire the professional forecaster.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said,
"Mr President, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the President hired the donkey.

... And thus began the practice of hiring dumb ***** to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day.

A JOYOUS NEW YEAR TO ALL OF MY READERS!! THIS ONE IS LOVELY!

Ted Nugent Just Pissed off Every Islamic Terrorist in the World by Pointing Out One HUGE Fact…
Ted Nugent just brought to light one important detail that I guarantee none of these Islamic terrorists have even considered.
In the Islamic religion, pork and pork products are forbidden because the pig is considered an impure animal.
In a Facebook post Ted writes…if Pigs are considered an impure animal.
Percy the pig makes for an extremely interesting read.
I never knew pigs were in most products!!
Every Muslim who has ever handled TNT, Nitro, Bullets, High Explosive Bombs, Rocket Launchers or been treated for cuts injury requiring stitches, or taken antibiotics, or Vitamin Capsules, has been contaminated with Pig Products.
The ironical part is that when a Suicide Bomber blows himself up his body parts are impregnated with Gelatine and Glycerine from the explosive.
Both Gelatine and Glycerine are manufactured from Pigs worldwide..
Ergo, they will never be accepted by Allah.
Some makers of cigarettes use haemoglobin from pig’s blood in their filters. Apparently this element works as a sort of ‘artificial lung’ in the cigarette so, they claim, ‘harmful reactions take place before the chemicals reach the user’, (enter the Pig.)
Pig bone gelatine is used to help transport gunpowder or cordite into the bullet. Insulin, the blood-thinning drug heparin and pig heart valves all vital.
The complex workings of the global food and processing industry have ensured that it is impossible to avoid pig altogether.
There is no legal obligation for manufacturers to specify whether the gelatine they use is from a pig or another animal.
When it is specified, it is often confusingly referred to as Suilline gelatine.
So to all prospective Suicide Bombers, ISIS and innocent, good Muslims, I say,
“Have a Nice Day” and a Happy New Year from “Percy” the wonderful Pig.

There are 365 days until Christmas, and people have their decorations up already.
Un-freacking-believable.

He laid her on the table,
So white & clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here & there.
He touched her neck & felt her breast,
Then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet & all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside,
All was dark & very murky.
He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms...
Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY! ..

May I be the first to wish you & your dirty little mind a very

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

All persons planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.

This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.


Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly


Merry Christmas

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again!
What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
l don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man - I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night.
The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning.
Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours.
I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of stupid snow last night.
More shoveling.
Took all day.
That stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom.
By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again.
I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
I think the jerk is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today.
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50.
Still snowed in.
THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in.
The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good.
I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?

If you have seen the VW commercial. you will definitely like this one.



A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex mit you.'
'OK,'
says the girl,
'I'll charge €50 an hour.'
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,'
she replies cautiously,
'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,'
says the German ........
'zat is ze....
'Four-sprung Duck technique'

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder.
2 young men ran about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reached their car just as the rain stopped.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden and old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, he taps lightly on the window!
Then man on the passenger side screamed out,
"Ahhhhhhh! Look out my window!!
There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said,
"Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and , scared out of his wits, says,
"What do you want?"
The old man soflty replied,
"Do you have a cigarette?"
"Well, give him a cigarette!HURRY!!,"
the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the packet and hands the old man a cigarette then yells to the driver,
"Step on it!!!",
rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles and hour they calm down, start laughing again, so the passenger says,
"What did you think of that?"
Driver replies,
"I don't know. How could that be? I'm going pretty fast".
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there's a knock, and the old man is there again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, there he is again!"
the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!"
yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says,
"Yes?"
"Do you have a light?"
the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him,then rolls up the window and yells,
"STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!!!!!"
Passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear........
"WHAT DO YOU WANT??"
The old man replies,...
"You need some help getting out of the mud?"

A young couple were very much in love and decided that they would not indulge in ANY sexual activity until they were married......
A week before the wedding was due to take place, the girl said to her boyfriend,
"You know that I love you so much and I just wanted to tell you that I AM still a virgin. I don't want you to be unhappy with me."
Her boyfriend replied,
"I don't want you to be upset either, but I am also a virgin and have a penis the size of an infant."
She said that size did not matter, and because they loved one another so much, that they would be able to work it out somehow.
Come the night of the wedding and to avoid any first night nerves they agree to undress in bed.
She removes her nightie and waits for him to come in from the bathroom.
He dims the lights and climbs in bed beside her.
He begins to fondle and kiss her while she strokes his chest.
Her hands slowly go lower and lower.
When she reaches his groin area, she gives out a blood curdling scream and jumps out of bed.
"What's wrong?"
He asks.
"You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!"
She cries.
"It is."
He responds
8lb 6oz and 17 inches

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud,
'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says,
'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,'
the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,'
says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?'
the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,'
the parrot says,
'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot,
'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,'
and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?'
asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???'
the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!'
he exclaims,
'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands,
'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a woody, and fell off my perch.!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?"
said Charlie,
"And how did this one end?"
"When it was over,"
Mike replied,
"She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really,"
said Charles,
"Now that's a switch!
What did she say?"
She said,
"Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Been away for a while due to an illness.
I hope this offering makes you giggle as much as it did me............


DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wanted me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble.
A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of The Washington monument and burst into tears.

DAY 4
A miracle has happened!
There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra.
I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5
What absolute bliss!

DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.
No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him.
But, have to admit, it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9
No time to write.
He might catch me.

DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding.
I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do?
I feel tacky all over .....

DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill.
I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.
Even my armpits hurt.
He's a complete pig.

DAY 12
I wish he was gay,
I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous.

DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that 'Ooops, sorry' thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off.
Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.
Help Me!

DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him.
I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and **** himself - and he did.

DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches.
I hope the bloody thing explodes.

DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference....
****!!!
Here he comes again!

DAY 18
He's back on Prozac.
The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
Aaaaah - what absolute bliss!

A lot of you will know my dad Tom, from the jokes forum.
He hasn't posted in quite some time, as he has been very ill recently with heart problems and he doesn't really feel up to coming online.
I'm his son and am posting this to ask for prayers that he is soon back to his usual self.

Get well soon dad.

Mary Poppins went to the dentist complaining of bad breath.
The dentist had one whiff from her mouth and stepped back
"Mary Poppins. I'm afraid it's worse than bad breath"
Said the dentist.
"You have
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Supercalafradgalisticextremehailitosis

A little boy asks his dad to explain where poo comes from?
Dad explains how food passes down the oesophogus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract the protein before the waste products descend via the colon to emerge as
"Poo"
"Blimey"
says the little boy,looking confused,
"So where does Tigger come from?

By the time the marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere,"
he pleaded.
"Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, an Air Force pilot,"
admitted the manager,
"and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem,"
the tired marine assured him.
"I'll take it."
The next morning the marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?"
Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the marine.
"How'd you manage that?"
asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a big wet kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Not sure what Grouse is?
Google it!

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching D*ck Van Dyke attempt an English cockney dialect in Mary Poppins was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!