THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM....


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...
Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.
I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, *** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering
“Ooooohhh that feels good”
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up,
VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

A few years ago a good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked,
'What's your name?'
The guy said,
'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said,
'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name!
The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said,
'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together'
the guy said and he left the agent's office..

FIVE YEARS LATER...

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood.
You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name,
I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said.
I decided you were right..
I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

And WHY is this in a Humour Forum?

Bush is just as guilty!!

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were
stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking
his two animal companions to the beach every evening to
watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle
a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening
beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally
gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't
had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was
anything she could do for him.
He said,
'Yes.
Could you take the dog for a walk?'

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says,
"O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says,
"Put it in between your legs.
It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but she used the skunk to beat him with and it later died at the scene.

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh�� so many nights
just waiting for a man that was so long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you'��ve just brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Cause there was no Anaconda
lurking in those faded jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don'��t you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn'��t notice it pop out.
Don't you know we'��re only joking when we say size doesn'��t count?

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to really laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and red and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I'��m saving all my lovin'
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Don't ever call.
Last time I saw a d!ck that tiny
It was on a baby doll.
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don'��t you bring me home no little worm,
I'll always throw the crap things back.
The only thing that I could do with a
d!ck as small as that,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
And then feed it to the cat!

I will survive,
I will survive,
Coz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. .hey, hey!

Go on now go,
Just leave my sight,.
I'��m going back to my appliance,
Cuz I know its length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin' at my door,
You'll be counting your 4 inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now Go!.........

Just out of curiosity

It states on the sites home page that Mingle 2 is and always will be 100% free.

Why then does it cost money to view matches and upgrades

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce"
she yelled.
Bruce came running in. Bruce,
"I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor"
she said.
"Struth!"
Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B".
Frank said.
"Plan B?"
exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank.
"Spot on"
Bruce said.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her boobs".
"Play with her boobs"?
Frank said,
"Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No"
Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,
"Ihe Chemist.
He insulted me this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said
"Now, just a minute mate, hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.
Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realize I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys."
"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
About three streets from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I started waiting on these people,
All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."
"Then I had to break open a bag of quarters against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still friggin' ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still fekkin' ringing with no let up,
and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Tombola Annual Pandemic set to strike

The previously unreported
TOMBOLA VIRUS
Is once again set to strike the globe.
Thought to have originated in the small English holiday town of Weston Super – Mare, in the United Kingdom in the late 18th century, it rapidly spread to Brighton, Southend on Sea, Morecambe and Blackpool.
In the 19th century outbreaks begin to surface across the Channel in Cannes and Monte Carlo.
It also migrated across the Atlantic to the USA, and has since become virulent in Las Vegas Nevada.
Once television had entered the world another side effect was the
TV GAME SHOW.
It was assumed that this virus only appeared at various times of the year.
And only in vacation locations.
This virus is financially infectiously transmitted.
Sufferers have falsely believed that by purchasing Tickets will give them the access to medical treatment known as
'��Prizes'
The range of these '��medicines' can vary from a goldfish in a bag of water, to cars, houses of multi million denominational currencies.
Tickets are also available in multiple numbers known as 'books'��
A recent side effect to the Tombola Virus is
THE LOTTERY��
Sufferers may purchase as many numbers of these as they want as they are on open sale and are therefore not regulated.
At Christmas Time, The Tombola strikes unashamedly at office/works parties, were usual prizes include
A bottle of Scotch, Christmas Hampers (Containing supposedly TOP STORE GOODIES, (Where in actual fact the 'Carrier' of the TOMBOLA has kept the prizes for themselves, removed the brand labels, and pasted the labels on similar Aldi/Lidl products) and it is also prevalent in Sports venues and Casinos and ‘BINGO HALLS�� among many other such establishments.
The ONLY treatment known is to
STAY AT HOME
DO NOT GO TO'��ANY' CHRISTMAS PARTIES
DRINK IN MODERATION. (Inebriation increases the likeliehood of infection from Tombolas)
Gloat in the enjoyment of knowing that you have protection from the virus.
With the cash you have saved on the TOMBOLA VIRUS, you can then safely buy a sports super car, Gucci handbag, the latest computer and its software/mobile phone/ Two weeks vacation in Ibiza etc , at seasonally adjusted prices. (Exhorbitant) . Happy in knowing that you didn't buy a Tombola Ticket which offered one or several of the above as one of the prizes
Stick to these guidelines and you SHOULD be relatively safe!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Personal ads.......

Agrophobic seeks claustrophobic for doorstep encounters.


Ugly fat dude seeks supermodel with a good sense of humour.


Female.......36 22 46
1 of those is my age.
Do you feel lucky punk?


George Clooney lookalike seeks hot woman with visual impairment.


Pessimistic man seeks depressed lady so we can share some **** times together.


I'm looking for a dominant woman.
Tell me to call you.


Do you like dogs?
Good, because I'm small, hairy and hung like a Great Dane.


Man with MASSIVE c*ck seeks woman with large hen to discuss poultry farming.


Small ads


NEW

Anti wrinkle cream for men.
My scrotum has never felt smoother.


Erectile problems?????
Ha ha ha ha.


FOUND
DVD of 'Lost'


Would you like 'No strings attached wild sex'?
Contact my ex wife!!


Worried about hair loss?
You BALD bastard!!!


Dog available to good home.
Free prawn crackers with every delivery


Want to earn money by working from home?
Become a hooker. It's easy!


Problems with your short term memory?
Can't remember what you just read?..................
Problems with your short term memory?

Wanted: One Justin Bieber ticket, and.......one shotgun


AND Finally.....

Sweaty from the tube?
Frizzy hair and runny makeup from the rain?
SHE'S got the London look.

My friend went on a vacation for a week and asked me to take care of his place for him.
Everything was going fine, for the most part.
On the third morning he gave me a call and asked:
"So how is everything going?"
"The house is fine,"
I said,
"but your cat died."
"Wha . . .?"
click, he hung up on me.
Later that day my friend called back and said,
"Sorry I hung up on you. I was just so distraught.
It really ruined my day.
I wish you had given me the news a little more slowly.
"How's that?"
I asked.
"��Well, maybe you could have told me that my cat had climbed on the roof and wouldn'��t come down."
Then tomorrow you could have told me you were trying to get him down, but he wouldn'��t budge.
The next day you could have said he'��s not eating, then the following that he had died.
At least it wouldn't be so shocking.
"OK, sorry. Next time I'll know better."
He said,
"��It's OK, I know you didn'��t mean it."
"So how's my mom?"
"She's climbed on the roof and I can't get her down."

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle....
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete
with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,'
said the genie,
'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you,'
says the Arab.
'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'
'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.
Better you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon..

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he knew it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!"
he exclaimed.
"Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.
When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious.
"Where the hell have you been!"
He says,
"Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!"
she demands.
He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar,"
She exclaims,
"You were out bowling again!"

That is the joke the wiped the dinosaurs out!!!




Of course the other response could have been

A sunburnt zebra.

Never heard of THAT nationality.
Where exactly IS Lesbia?

My ex wife.

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was
"Onestone".
So named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said,
"Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????.
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OH, come on...take a guess!
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Think about it .
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(You're going to love this!)
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And the moral is. . .
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Are you DEFINITELY sure you want to know?
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�kay......
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You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sharon.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Sharon to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I get, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and to just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club, and eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get in.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think..
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any as it would help keep the weight off.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points...
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man..
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too...
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sharon.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find
it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on August 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rectum, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.
His wife
Sharon was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence
that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club