Yeah, I'm not intimidated by running into people on the street or riding the bus or in the grocery aisles...It's just that in the past 5 years or so my urge to go to parties, shows and suchlike just completely evaporated.

I wasn't always like this. When I was in my 20s I was a total clubber type, for a few years, and had several circles of friends that I'd interact with. Those were the pre-internet days...I suppose I would never have found staying at home and watching TV to be as interesting as I find looking at websites and messing around online to be.

A lot of my sociability in the early 90s had to do with my being in my 20s and not having the bloody "midlife insecurity syndrome" that some folks inevitably end up with. It's all about youth everywhere you look...and that can sort of rub off on the mind sometimes.

Although in reality a lot of the things I did and ways I behaved in my youth were really a lot more daft than I remember them being, I did look better, and had more energy to spend, back then. Sometimes I think after age 25 or so, life is really just a really slow process of dying...it's what anatomical science tells us: our cells grow at slower and slower rates when we hit our 30s and 40s. It is ridiculously negative--yet hard to ignore sometimes. (And females have that menopause thing to look forward to...AAACK.)

I wish I could put that sentence on a mental Sticky-Note and affix it to the edge of my mind, so as to make it something that I'd always remember when finding myself in this sort of situation.

You're right...it doesn't need to be as difficult as it gets made to be, when distorted by fear of consequences...Socially adept persons know this by heart and literally never have to deal with it...while neurotics like myself "squidge up" whenever they get a little overwhelmed by their own perceptions of inadequacy. 87% or so of that "squidgy" feeling is probably completely bull. I wonder where it comes from, and why...

I was reading this NY Times article about the phenomenon of extreme shut-ins in Japan...

http://tinyurl.com/7gysn

And it rather chilled me how much I found myself personally relating to it. The writer claims that Hikikomori is a specifically Japanese syndrome, but I don't think that this has national borders. I know I'm a sort of extreme case but there seem to be a lot of people like this in the USA as well.

So I'm wondering: and let's be honest here...How much social life do people really have outside of the net? How well are you doing economically? Do you find it is really hard to get by without staying with your parents?

I live by myself but really, it's not living, because I do not have enough money to eat and I don't have anything at all left over after rent and bills. What's more, employment is a bit of a problem for me. Far more qualified people than me have trouble getting entry level jobs and it seems anything I find ends up being temporary, and when I get canned, it's always because of some vague non-personal reason which seems to tell me it's actually a very personal reason. (I have always remained straight when I have a job and I'm at work. It just doesn't seem either right or fun to get high when I am supposed to be doing a job...)

I'm quite literate and feel that I'm a good writer, but when it comes to just making the sort of dumb small talk people like you to be able to make in a job setting, I just fail massively. I don't share interests with the sort of people who keep track of sporting events, soap operas and suchlike, so I can only answer conversation about these subjects with a blank, vacant stare, which is easy for people to misinterpret as either me being completely out of it, or being a snob.

I don't WANT to come off with a supercilious attitude, but the bottom line is, I don't find this sort of thing interesting to talk about or engage in as part of my "pursuit of entertainment", and the effect of this, socially, is to isolate me from co-workers and turn me into "that person no one likes" in any work setting.

Has anyone else ever experienced any similar situation in their own lives, and if so, how have you dealt with it?

I've found it prudent to not have any expectations of "reality" at first. Over time, when you get to know someone online, if you're paying attention and know how to gently manipulate conversations, you will discover how much of what you're seeing in the other person is actual, and what is just puffery, put up for show. Then you can decide based on this information just how much you'll have to do with said individual, and on what level.

I think virtually anyone who's going into a site like this (or any other) and specifically seeking either a casual sexual "hook up" or an intimate relationship is going to end up disappointed. Why? Because those sorts of connections between people seem to work most fluidly when they occur with pure spontaneity, which means LACK OF PRE-SPECIFIED INTENT to get a particular result.

When pre-specified intent is part of the picture, it becomes incumbent upon each partner to "measure up" to the other's pre-specified desires. That tends to inspire people to act like something they're not.

What works is when people meet via some other different set of circumstances that aren't "dating specific", and happen to converse together at which time they realise they're having a good time together because they "click", and are comfortable with one another. Then things go from there.

Another reason this tends to work better is because sometimes if you meet the right person, it might actually change your intent. You might feel like you actually want a closer relationship with someone you encounter, but there you are with the profile that identifies your intent as "casual sex" or "just friends".

Does this make sense?

If I allowed expectations to play any part in this sort of experience, I'd have never even gotten this far into being involved with it.

My expectations of humanity in general are way too low to be all that good for me...or for that matter, anyone else I'm dealing with in life.

Expectations are bad news in general. It's too easy to get disappointed by having ones that are too high...and just as easy to avoid interaction with anyone at all, by having ones that are too low.

Expect Nothing.

None whatsoever.

MAYBE a little eensie-weensie dab of sandalwood oil, if the dude's a hippie type, but that's not cologne.

Cologne literally makes me start keeling over from nausea. Ditto the smell of that stuff that Disco Douchebag types put in their hair to make it stick up in the air like stiff little blades of grass...which just looks dumb anyway, and doesn't feel good to touch...in addition to smelling yucky.

And don't even get me started on "Axe" products, which are marketed to dudes as being really appealing to women. At least, by using them, insecure materialistic dweebs make themselves very easily identified, at a distance of several yards...

You beat me to the punch on that one.

It's so sad, how they're saying overfishing has depleted the tuna and salmon so badly now, that in 4 or 5 years no one will be able to eat sushi any more except for the kinds that really aren't all that yummy.

All I have to do is let the "real me" out of the proverbial locked closet-box, and Pestering Dimwits who won't catch even the most unsubtle of "hints" become very quickly scarce.

In a couple of rare instances, I've had to exaggerate my "real" persona a few notches to produce this effect, but it always eventually works.

What most certainly does NOT work is making up excuses, and trying to "let them down easily". That just seems to make it seem more like a game, one which Pestering Dimwits feel even more inclined to "prove themselves" by winning. (As if...)

It actually makes me feel uneasy to imagine what I'd be like if I had to do without the Internet for longer than...a day?!

I think I'm actually more "addicted" to it than I am to drugs...and all things considered, that's pretty damn scary!

I think what happens sometimes is that the nicer pictures won't translate as well to the smaller "avatar" size, so they don't het used as defaults.

Case in point: my own. I actually really don't like this black-and-white picture of myself that was taken during the one whole week I had bleached my hair totally white in preparation for adding a peacock-featheresque purple/blue/green gradient look, which looked utterly wonderful and yet which I was never able to get a photo of because that's the week my camera celphone went dead. //blah//

I have been using this picture as a default just because it seems to shrink down best...but it really doesn't give an adequate picture of what I actually look like. I've got to find some means of getting a newer photo taken. Too bad the bright hair dyes only last about three weeks before they fade and look lousy...so I gave up and just dyed it all black about half a year ago.

This sub-thread here instantly brought to my mind that "Learn to Swim" song by Tool, one of my favourites...

(I "fixed" all the curse words in it, since I'm not sure what the "Acceptable User Policy" regarding such things is yet. In so many places the "Terms of Service" and the actual behaviour tolerance level of a forum will wildly differ...Apologies if I am stepping over the line here. And note it's not my usual habit to post song lyrics to fora, but this was just too perfect to ignore. It's a great song, music-wise, too.)



Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullsheet three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless faacking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any faacking time. Any faacking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in
Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullsheet three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless faacking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any faacking time. Any faacking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by fault-lines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipsheets.

Some say the end is near...
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will, 'cause
I sure could use a vacation from this

Stupid sheet, silly sheet, stupid sheet...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.

Mom is going to fix it all soon,
Mom is coming round to put it back
The way it oughtta be...

Learn to swim.

Faack L Ron Hubbard and
Faack all his clones.
Faack all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Faack retro anything.
Faack your tattoos.
Faack all you junkies and
Faack your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Faack smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Faack these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down.
Suck it down.
Flush it down.

This has nothing at all to do with your message -- but I just noticed the cat in your icon bears a stunningly close resemblance to my own cat.

Is this a picture of a Random Kitty or is this Your Own Kitty?

Long walks through space.

Which, come to think of it, is a pastime I am all too familiar with.

I'm surprised the "I Can Has Cheeseburger" people, who have a huge bouquet of websites poking fun at bizarre Craigslist ads, MySpace idiocy, incredibly unliveable real estate listings, emails from crazy people, horrendous wedding photos, and that's just for starters...don't have a site dedicated to Dating Site Profile Hell. (Maybe I oughta suggest they do one.)



Such descriptions are nearly always accompanied by a photo of--if a male-- a dude in the "flexing the bicep" pose, or --if a female-- a chick making a "kissy face" at the camera while jutting her boobs out at the viewer. I dunno if guys like that sort of thing...but I sure think the bicep poses look...incredibly douchebaggy. I may be just guessin' here, but I don't think I'm alone in that.

No, if you read my post, that was my point exactly: it's a thing virtually everyone likes to do, so it's kind of pointless to include it on a profile.

I will admit my post was a bit vitriolic, especially considering it was sort of an introductory post. I apologise for coming off like a grumpy "I've seen it all" a-hole. I have a lot of mixed up feelings about the concept of being single and on the "market" after a 10 year relationship went south...and so I guess I'm in a mindset where I'm seeing the worst instead of the best in people.

To a certain extent being sarcastic is all right - I don't feel comfortable with people who take things I say too personally - but I have to learn some of the basic principles of respect I've forgotten in my 3+ years of cocooning and being a total loner...

Hello...

Nice to see I'm not the only 420-positive person around here.

I live in an apartment in San Francisco that costs me virtually my entire income in rent, so I've not been able to afford this favourite indulgence of mine, most of the time. People are always saying it's good to be straight and clear my head out, but I differ on that point. People find it a little more difficult to be around me when I'm straight. Hell...I find me hard to be around when I am straight.

It does give me an increased appreciation for the times when it's around, I will say that!

Normally I avoid all dating sites...but the person who created this one has been one of my favourite web designers for a while now. I think he is the only designer who ever made a Web 2.0 site that was not only NOT ugly, but really DOES look fabulous. All his sites do.

I also appreciated that this is free. That the "premium" or "pro" or whatever version isn't something you need to subscribe to or the site totally becomes worthless. I put profiles up 3 years ago on about 3 other sites and all of them were that way. Wastes of time suck. But this is cool.

Please excuse me, for a moment, though, I have a rant that needs screeding...

Why is it that everyone seems to always put exactly the same things on their profiles? For one thing why are people's lists of interests always padded with lots and lots of outdoorsish stuff...always there's this over-representation of sports and exercise activities. I thought at first maybe it was because the user had a mindset of suggesting activities that could be done on a date, but somehow, I think perhaps it's more immediate a reason that the user wants to slip a bit of a hint of "see...I'm less likely to be flabby, I'm into exercise!" But that's not all.

What in the Sam Hill is it with the "walks on the beach" thing? Attention: The Clue Train is now boarding...Get your ticket ready please...

Let's quit it with putting "I like taking long walks on the beach" on your profiles. It's just a stupid attempt to look romantic. It doesn't. All it tells me that you couldn't be bothered to take five minutes to think of something you actually do regularly and are known to enjoy...rather than cribbing from that annoying "Pina Colada" song. It says nothing...you might as well put "I like breathing and drinking water" on there. Who doesn't like to take walks on the beach? Assume that this is a "given" and move on...

If I see that again, I am going to scream so loud it causes all the letters in the font it uses to explode, de-kern themselves and turn to a cloud of little pixels.

Actually, I won't do that. But come on people can't we stop copying other people's copies of someone else's personality profiles?

///end rant///