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Community > Posts By > GreenEyes48
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Edited by
GreenEyes48
on
Fri 03/15/13 11:01 AM
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Men and women definitely have trouble relating to each other at times. (Due to the programming and conditioning we receive when we're growing-up.)....It's a big job (in itself) to find some "common ground" with members of the opposite sex and understand their "reality."...Sure we all have the ability to have sex. But personally I don't want to add sex to the "mix" until I find some "common ground." (Because this might complicate things. At least for me anyway.)...The divorce rate keeps going up and relationships don't always last very long anymore... The freedom and ability to have sex doesn't seem to help men and women stay together. Or find ways to work-through their problems.
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Expecting another person to make you ultimately happy in a relationship is I believe a sign of immaturity. You and only you can make yourself happy and that is something I'm proud to have learned. But is it really too much to expect equal, reciprocal caring and nurturing? I am a giver with a huge heart and I guess I just need to be smart enough to look for a person who will feed it and not drain it I guess. ....and I generally try to avoid volcanoes.  True too... Happiness comes from within-you are your own source of happiness-others just add to it!! And, NO,in a healthy relationship; being cared for and nurtured is what is expected! Its not ''asking for too much''-a relationship is a two way street!! Find some one who gives as much as receives! Well,even gives more....that cant hurt! Ahhhhh...now see there lies the rub. I realized something fascinating about myself when a good friend and I tried to take our relationship to 'the next step'. He was loving, giving, caring, nurturing and I was soooo unused to that in a partner that I back pedalled faster than you can believe. It felt uncomfortable to have the roles reversed and to have someone else taking care of me. Part of that is family history, with no father to speak of and being in foster homes at an early age. There was never anyone in my corner that I could trust, so to be asked to trust someone intimately goes against every lesson I've learned. But at least I know the problem right? *wink* I've figured it out, and now I'm ready to test it out with my next relationship. I'm holding out until I find the guy who's going to appreciate and nurture me and he's going to have to be pretty patient too, as I learn to let go and to trust him. Trusting someone with your heart is a very scary process. Oh my heavens you were lucky! *hugs*  But see....I used to view myself as damaged. I don't anymore. I am simply older and wiser. I like to say that yes I come with a lot of luggage, but I CHOOSE what luggage I bring with me. *smile* Oh My God!!! 30years together?? No wonder i've read a lot about him in your posts here(i was getting more and more curious!!) That was a Blessing! Hang in there G.Eyes,it will not fade,but it will get embraceable! |
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Wow! It's starting to feel like a sports event or a boxing-ring or ?? (With "opposing sides.")...I think it's good to have a full-blown discussion about all of it. (From all "sides.")
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Topic:
Activity Partners
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I'm afraid to accept invitations from men right now because I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression or "lead" anyone "on."...I explained that I wasn't ready to date yet (over and over again) to a couple of longtime male friends. (In a nice way!)...And I went out to eat with them. (Two separate meals out with 2 different friends.)...And I paid them back by bringing them food and gave them tools and a few other things that used to belong to my husband and sons. (Extra things I didn't need.)...But I had regrets about all of it (later on) because the men did seem to want "more" than just friendship...So now I just keep to myself and don't have any "activity partners."...My few local female friends are married and lead busy lives.. Too bad I can't dress my cats up and take them out to restaurants with me. Or the movies etc...I would if I could just to have a little company and companionship once in awhile when I go out. Why not just pay your own way? That way no one thinks you owe them anything. Be clear about just being friends. You don't have to hole up in your house like a hermit just because you don't want to date. |
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Topic:
Activity Partners
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I had a friend like that.  She and I really liked yard sales. It was almost like an addiction as we couldn't pass one by without stopping at them. |
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Topic:
Activity Partners
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I'm afraid to accept invitations from men right now because I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression or "lead" anyone "on."...I explained that I wasn't ready to date yet (over and over again) to a couple of longtime male friends. (In a nice way!)...And I went out to eat with them. (Two separate meals out with 2 different friends.)...And I paid them back by bringing them food and gave them tools and a few other things that used to belong to my husband and sons. (Extra things I didn't need.)...But I had regrets about all of it (later on) because the men did seem to want "more" than just friendship...So now I just keep to myself and don't have any "activity partners."...My few local female friends are married and lead busy lives.. Too bad I can't dress my cats up and take them out to restaurants with me. Or the movies etc...I would if I could just to have a little company and companionship once in awhile when I go out.
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In another thread I put forward the proposition that in a dating situation you can raise the subject of sex to find out how much of a prude you are dealing with. I do this in order to find out how much fun someone is. It is a compatibility issue. I don't really get on with women that are no fun and uptight. If a person has hangups about sex it might be argued that this is because they have principles and that they do not consider it to be an appropriate topic of conversation but this is why it is important to only bring the topic up when you think that it is appropriate to do so. I am making the claim that it is appropriate to bring up the topic in a dating situation to find out how much fun somebody is. Am I being too picky? You might need a sexorcism. sexorcism A religious ceremony created to forever banish sexual activity from human experience. See marriage He felt the otherworldly power of the sexorcism the moment she said "I do". Dude, if you believe that marriage diminishes sexual activity, then you must have had a bad marital experience. My late wife and I had a very active sex life with each other. Good point. And I like how you use the word "Late". As the "Later" wife and me did have an ideal sexual active relationship. I feel like I should apologize for my humour. But then humour is about all I got going for me sometimes. |
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Edited by
GreenEyes48
on
Fri 03/15/13 06:09 AM
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I think love can "die-off" through the years due to layers and layers of unresolved issues. (Issues that never got "addressed" in healthy and mature ways.)...Pretty soon there isn't much left except "grudges" and resentment and a desire to be "free" from all of the pain and heartache and fighting etc...We want to be around people who see a little "good" in us and not just "bad." So we leave the relationship...But I think we can run in "deja-vu" in our next relationship if we don't really understand what "went wrong" in our previous relationships. Don't you?...To me it's all about trying to find ways to resolve issues in healthy and constructive and mature ways before they go "underground" and turn into "grudges." (And a desire for revenge and "pay-backs" etc.)
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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AthenaRose...Thanks for all you wrote earlier...A lot of problems in relationships may involve "button-pushing." Don't you think?...It's what kids do when they are after "attention" and want to provoke their parents into "reacting."...The kids are going to receive "negative attention" and get "yelled at" but they get a "thrill" and gain a sense of power from pushing their parent's "buttons." And provoking a "heated reaction." Don't you think?...It's sad when this kind of stuff plays-out in marriages and adult relationships.
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Dodo, no matter what term you use, or how you want to discuss it, it's still going to be different for everyone. Fun for you may not involve sex. Fun for someone else may. If they're looking for that particular kind of fun, what's wrong with that? I did not say that it's wrong for a man to seek that kind of fun. However, a man can seek that kind of fun without using a term of reproach to describe a woman who doesn't share his idea of what fun is. I get that. You can lecture all you want, though, and it's not going to change what people think. In the past, you challenged me to speak up if a man says something sexist about a woman. That is what I have been doing on this thread. A sexist slur was used to describe a woman. So, I spoke against its use. |
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"What's the matter with you? Are you a prude or what?"... I remember hearing this kind of stuff when I went on dates in high school. (Way back in the 1960's.)...Guys used manipulation tactics to try to pressure girls into having sex...Thank goodness all the guys I dated weren't like this...My husband wasn't like this when we met (as adults) in the early 80's. He wasn't trying to "score" with me. (And get me into "bed" right off the bat.)...My husband "won" my heart because I felt safe with him. He didn't view women as "sex objects" or "toys."...And I was a single-parent mom at the time with 2 small sons. I tried to be careful about the men I dated and brought into our home...I'm alone now. (My husband and both my sons passed-away.) I'm trying to make "wise choices" when it comes to my life. (So I won't end-up stepping in too much "doo-doo.")...If dating involves "automatic sex" these days then I just won't date. It's not my "thing."
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I haven't been part of the modern dating scene. My husband and I were together and married for decades. (And I haven't felt like dating since he passed-away.)...If I did go on a date and a man brought-up sex right away it would "spook" me...Mostly I'm a loner and don't see friends all the time.. My female friends have been married for eons. (Like I was.)...We talk about a wide range of topics. (Not just "female stuff.") But we don't have conversations about sex...The funny thing is that I grew-up in the 60's. (The hippie and "free love" era. Plus all the social revolutions got started back then etc.)...I was more of a "free-spirit" when I was younger. But it wasn't the norm to have open discussions about sex (per se) among my friends...So all of this seems a bit foreign to me...Life was easier and simplier when my husband was alive and we hibernated in our "cave" and just lived life "our way!"
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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AthenaRose...Thanks for responding. Sorry about your former MIL...Nice that you still care about her...I "get" what you are saying. Relationships can be full of differences that need to be "ironed-out" and resolved. (Hopefully anyway.)...But it's rough to live with people who have a tendency to turn tiny "molehills" into "huge mountains." Don't you think? There's just no telling what might upset them and when they might "erupt" again...I don't want to be "ruled" or controlled by someone else's unstable emotions. So I tend to seek-out people who are less "reactive." How do you feel about it?
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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I guess when I say everyone gets angry once in a while, I'm talking about something different than some of the ladies here. I'm not talking about someone who loses it and goes crazy or anything like that. But, most people do get angry at least once in a while. Then again, there are those who bottle it up and never get angry. They worry me more, as they're probably going to lose it at some point. you'd be surprised how long a person can live without true anger if their life depends on it...  You're still talking about something much different than I am. Where did I mention taking offense to every little thing, being self righteous, rigid or expecting everyone to do what I want? |
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I would be uncomfortable if a man started talking about sex early-on...A man like this might classify me as a "prude." But I'm sure I'd put him in a "derrogative category" too and rule-out any further dates...I'd consider him a "one-track" thinker who was primarily after sex and not much else...Someone may not want to talk about sex early-on with just anybody..But this doesn't necessarily mean that this person is a "prude" or "frigid" in bed when they are with the "right person."...I've run into some men who felt uncomfortable discussing sex with anyone and everyone too. And I didn't automatically conclude that these men were "prudes." I felt that they had standards and boundaries and "good taste."...I don't think that sex is bad or nasty or "dirty" or anything like this! But I just prefer to wait until the time "feels right" with someone to openly discuss sex.
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Topic:
Real woman
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It takes time (and effort) to understand someone else's culture and ways and thinking and preferences etc...We're not going to find a glove that fits perfectly on our hand when we're dealing with people...Sometimes we may run into "difficulties" when we're trying to get to know and understand someone who is outside of our "immediate realm." (This applies to people we date and friends and even our spouses at times.)...If we're in need of a "perfect clone" and replica of "who we are" maybe we should just stick with mirrors and leave people alone!
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Topic:
How do you fight?
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I guess when I say everyone gets angry once in a while, I'm talking about something different than some of the ladies here. I'm not talking about someone who loses it and goes crazy or anything like that. But, most people do get angry at least once in a while. Then again, there are those who bottle it up and never get angry. They worry me more, as they're probably going to lose it at some point. you'd be surprised how long a person can live without true anger if their life depends on it... |
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Topic:
You See, We Guys..
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Great posts...Sometimes I wonder if the men who try too hard to be "nice" (and gentleman) are the ones who end-up resenting women. (Passive-aggressive behavior.)...First of all what does it mean to be a gentleman? It is about being caring and respectful? Or is it about deferring and "giving-in" to women and becoming a total "go-along?"....My first husband had a Mom who didn't want to let him "go" or "grow-up." On the surface he praised his Mom all the time but I know he secretly resented her. And his "old baggage" with his Mom transferred over to me and all women in general...His Mom "trained" him to be a gentleman and he played the role. But he sought revenge at times in subtle (passive-aggressive) ways. So I can relate to ruth's experiences.
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This has happened to me a couple of times and I found myself starting to wonder if there was a window in the ladies room that I could crawl out of? I stuck it out and just never went out with them again. I learned that first dates should always be action dates....but surprisingly another good first date tactic turned out to be road trips. Something about being in a car and on an adventure leads to great times. I was with a fellow once on our way to a local pow wow, and in following the GPS we ended up stuck in a small back road in the mud. We started taking pictures in the woods while waiting for someone to haul us out. Best date ever. It never went anywhere relationship wise, but we're pretty good friends to this day. Skip the coffee dates and go have an adventure! |
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Expecting another person to make you ultimately happy in a relationship is I believe a sign of immaturity. You and only you can make yourself happy and that is something I'm proud to have learned. But is it really too much to expect equal, reciprocal caring and nurturing? I am a giver with a huge heart and I guess I just need to be smart enough to look for a person who will feed it and not drain it I guess. ....and I generally try to avoid volcanoes. True too... Happiness comes from within-you are your own source of happiness-others just add to it!! And, NO,in a healthy relationship; being cared for and nurtured is what is expected! Its not ''asking for too much''-a relationship is a two way street!! Find some one who gives as much as receives! Well,even gives more....that cant hurt! Ahhhhh...now see there lies the rub. I realized something fascinating about myself when a good friend and I tried to take our relationship to 'the next step'. He was loving, giving, caring, nurturing and I was soooo unused to that in a partner that I back pedalled faster than you can believe. It felt uncomfortable to have the roles reversed and to have someone else taking care of me. Part of that is family history, with no father to speak of and being in foster homes at an early age. There was never anyone in my corner that I could trust, so to be asked to trust someone intimately goes against every lesson I've learned. But at least I know the problem right? *wink* I've figured it out, and now I'm ready to test it out with my next relationship. I'm holding out until I find the guy who's going to appreciate and nurture me and he's going to have to be pretty patient too, as I learn to let go and to trust him. Trusting someone with your heart is a very scary process. Oh my heavens you were lucky! *hugs* But see....I used to view myself as damaged. I don't anymore. I am simply older and wiser. I like to say that yes I come with a lot of luggage, but I CHOOSE what luggage I bring with me. *smile* |
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