What I need,

What I truly require, as both a man and a seeker of the indefinable prize
in a world full of people trying to find the same thing, is meaning and understanding.

We all seem to have different definitions of what love is and as we grow older,
(and hopefully wiser) its designation changes.

As a teenager, I learned the hard way that I hadn’t a clue what love could be. The first time my heart was broken I dint think I ever wanted to find out…again. But, we are programmed to participate in this game of “search for happiness”. No matter the cost because after all, it goes against our nature to walk through this life alone.

In my early twenties I replaced the search with conquest and let me tell you, the mean streets of Hollywood were not so mean to me. Fling after fling, one night stands and meaningless relationships. I found many willing participants to help me out. In retrospect there were many lost nights back then, too many parties, too many drugs, and too much wasted time.

I always let the girls know where I stood so; in my mind I could justify the lifestyle. When in truth I was avoiding what I thought was inevitable….pain. Not really the way to travel through life, I know but, love, real love just seemed to evade me. Probably a more accurate way to describe it would be for me to admit I was the evasive one. There were a few along the way that would have and maybe even a couple who did love me, it just wasn’t what I was willing to let happen.

Except for Tracey, she was different, I saw her as often as I could. We had a lot of fun together and I secretly loved her. Then one day she broke it off with me so she could date the bass player of a very popular metal band. He used her up within a week and I never looked at her through the same eyes again. He married an actress and I walked away alone…the place I tried so hard to forestall.

The irony didn’t go unnoticed; the lesson was learned. However, the practice continued for quite some time. Self preservation I guess.

When I did find love with the person I recognized as “the one”…well, let me explain it to you this way…



She was the one who called an end to it and it was she, who just wouldn’t let me go. It’s not like I wanted her to but, the way she kept me hanging on was killing me. Late night visits, phone calls at all hours of the day…I found myself waiting and hoping desperately for them, both.

We never fell out of love, she (I believe) was hit with the reality that some of the choices she made earlier in her life had dictated where she was at the time and now, I was the unlucky one to pay the price.

We would still spend the night together often but, we were rarely seen together in public.

We had been broken up for six months, not really that long when compared to the years we spent together. When she started dating other people (before I did) to my surprise, she had no problem stuffing this fact in my face whenever she got the chance.

Now, I was trying to give her the room she needed to find herself. So, I was ok with it well, as much as one can be when the one person in this world that makes them happy is out finding their way and then one day you get hit with this kind of news. This was not supposed to be what the break up was about but, my shattered heart would long after, not be convinced of that.

The calls didn’t end with the arrival of her new “interest”.
In fact, she made them more frequent. Each conversation, giving me more and more details of her developing activities; never once, understanding or caring that this was digging into my soul, tearing at my heart, leaving more and more bitter.

Confusion ruled my days while, hurt and anger fueled my sleepless nights. I don’t like to admit this but, I gave up…I gave up on everything and everyone.

Then I received the one call I could have done without. She had slept with him the night before. Why she felt the need to call me and confess to me I will never know. I remember it though…and I will never forget it.

She cried for so long I almost felt bad for her. Then she made a confusing statement, “I ****ed up”
“I know I just ruined everything for us”
I couldn’t speak
“Say something” she begged.
But, I was so lost in the disdain of the moment; all I could do was cry along with her.

Two days later, she found her way to my bed. We were so beautiful together that night. Everything was perfect. We put to rest a lot of pain, for both of us and for the first time in months, I slept peacefully. In the morning she left with a kiss goodbye and promise to see each other after work.


That night she never came by as promised. She didn’t answer my calls or my text. She did call me at 2:30 in the morning to let me know she was alright. She had been with him and I knew it, she told me to give her a couple of days to get rid of him and we would be together again. She wanted us to “work things out between us” if I could forgive her for “putting us both through all of this mess”. This was strange to me and I found it difficult to believe.
How could she do this?
Why would she do this?
Tell me to give her time, split her time with me and him. One day with me and the next with him. From my bed to his, I was dying a slow and painful death.


to be continued....maybe...

hmmmmm?

i have a question...but, i will wait to see if the story goes on

You're learning! Sorry, I've jumped the gun with my questions before too and felt a tad bit silly afterward.

Kace, actually, I'm surprised at my reaction. You presented this very well and I'm actually finding myself curious as to WHAT will happen next, dah-duh-duhnnnnnnn............

just get to the good part....

Dammit boy ya left me hanging not very nice ya know shshshs

I'm waiting with bated breath....

go on............. really!... continue!

inspiration runs the gamut

the suspense is killing me...

You have amazed me once again and like the others.... I'm waiting! *tapping my foot*


(((Kevin)))

wow...no pressure hear...

you know?...i appreciate every one of you so much

thank you for spending time with me and sharing a part of my being along with all of yours

Wow, what a story of self induced torture. I sure hope the ending is a self examination ending with a determination that there are loves that are not good for us. And a vow to move on, grieve and go to a place in life where there is actual love and not just the image of it.



No offense intended, so please do not take it that way.

no, no way...you are always very insightful and i enjoy your responses

here we go.......





The Memorial weekend was coming up and I had made plans to fly to New York to visit a friend of mine. He and his wife had rented a cabin in the mountains and I thought it would do me some good to get away from my life here, if only for a short time.

They also invited a friend of hers to join us. I met her once, at their wedding two years prior.
She lived in Russia, the two of them met when they both attended a music school in Europe. When they got the news of my break up they gave her my email address and told her that I was now single and perhaps we might hit it off.

We did have fun around each other the week she was here for the wedding but, it was strictly on a friendship basis.

Ekaterina and I were exchanging email for about two months but, I was still in love so, from my perspective, we were friends and nothing more. I was however, very interested in meet her. She was extremely smart and funny and she just happened to be very attractive as well. She listened to me all throughout my ordeal and never once judged me. She was very kind and I appreciated that about her.

Shortly before we were to meet she started to drop little hints. She seemed to think it might be worth exploring. “You know…the possibility of us making something more of our friendship”
The thought of this was beginning to intrigue me, the closer the weekend came. Especially with all of the weight I was carrying around due to my current situation.

I managed to not tell my now, ex fiancé that I was going away for few days. I didn’t need her to confuse the issue any more than she already had also, like I said, I needed some time away.

The night before I was to leave I heard a knock at my door. It was her; she was all dressed up and looked like a supermodel, which for her was easy. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her eyes are so perfectly shaped it is hard not to stare at them. She glides instead of walks; she makes everything around her shine and she makes me better than I truly am.

She looked me in the eye and said…”we have to talk”

Knowing that, for the most part, no good conversations ever start out with those words, I semi reluctantly invited her in.
Sitting on the couch with her for the next few hours was like traveling back in time. We talked with ease, we laughed and yes, we cried.
She explained to me all of the reasons why; though I felt betrayed and was hurt by the things she was putting me through, in the end, I knew she needed to discover who she was and what it was that she truly wanted.

Over this six month period I gave to her the most precious gifts I had ever given. The time to sort things out, the freedom to be herself and understanding beyond anything she could have hoped for. I let her search for “her” truth, no matter the consequences to myself.

Please don’t think this a selfless act.
I figured if I showed her the true “me” and how much she meant to me then we would find a way to get passed this trial.

You see…when we were good, we were unbelievably good. It was just like it is supposed to be, just like you would draw it up in blueprint form. Better than a movie and better than anything either of us had previously known.

Yes, I loved her and I was trying to demonstrate to her that there was nothing I wouldn’t do to fix this.

The next morning (Thursday) before leaving, she told me not to cancel my weekend.
I asked...”are you sure?”
“Yes, go and have fun” “when you get back tough, we will put this behind”
“I don’t have to...you know I won’t if you ask me not to” I responded (practically begging her to say don’t go).
She bent down across the bed, kissed me on the forehead and said “no, you go...meet your little whore, have fun, **** her and then we will be even”. With that she was gone.

Oh see, you are just trying to get me to bust loose and act a fool myself here now.

Does this guy have any self boundaries at all? Does he have any self worth at all? Self respect? You know you cannot find love if you cannot love yourself first. You cannot get respect if you cannot learn to respect yourself first.

There is a limit to allowing another person to "self discovery". A. when they do it they do not rub it into the wound they cause by doing it. B. a time limit should always be set because someone is putting their life on hold for you. C. if the person cannot find themselves after a couple of months, you are probably not part of that eventual "finding" anyway.

Just a few of my many thoughts here.

If you are trying to send me over the edge, you are doing a good job....lol

I cannot tell here if this is a story or this is reality so I am going to assume this is a story.

I would say the same thing either way though, so no offense intended again of course.

again, none taken

still waiting....

not sure i am ready to ask yet

I am waiting for the what next....don't keep us in suspense much longer.

ill try not to...

thanks for stopping in