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| Topic: Nieces and Nephews | |
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Edited by
Beachfarmer
on
Mon 09/22/14 06:27 PM
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(Mods....please keep this "here".....as it's ultimately about dating)
My Goodness I adore my Niece!!!!....and my Step-Nephews are a continuous source of joy. For one reason or another, I have not had kids of my own. I'��d like to think it'��s because of being thoughtful , responsible, and making (ultimately) responsible/good decisions even when my youthful decision making wasn't necessarily either. It wasn'��t a conscious decision. In fact I had rather expected it. It just is .or rather, is NOT! I ’m in my 40s. I get along well with kids. I DO think before I speak. I am a good protector and caretaker. I am conscientious of tools that beings need as they grow, AND that older children� have had their own life experiences to be respected. However, I am the ultimate Uncle. I can wind them up and give them back. I have a hard time saying no (too much) and setting boundaries. I LOVE STRONG.but am ultimately a ShickenChit!! My Niece's skinned knees made me SO sick at my stomach.That was SO bad enough a risk! This lack of true depth of experience is a deal breaker for many. How do Middle-Agers feel about potential partners whom have never had kids of their own? |
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Two of my four long-term relationships (one of 5 years, the other of 10+) were with 40+ YO never-been-married, never-had-kids men.
Both took to my son with no problems and understood we were a package deal; neither had a problem with being some sort of male-figure in my son's life and both enjoyed *playing* a daddy-type while never having a lifetime obligation TO be a daddy. Personally, I have no problem with never-had-kids men, as long as their *selfish* reasons for being so are based in good, sound rationales; if not, it would be indicative of other issues, which would probably, ultimately, make us incompatible. 
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Edited by
2KidsMom
on
Mon 09/22/14 06:48 PM
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You know, I tend to speak ~before thinking about
what, others may think...oh well..it is..what it is..I'm just me. I think, if you found this is, a deal breaker.. Good for you.. I wouldn't call it a deal breaker, as much as I would rather let's call it ..a Red Flag. You saw, just in time. ;) Now you listen very carefully.. ( because you know I am not as educated, as some) You do not need to be a biological father...to be a good dad. As long as your heart and mind are open to it. Just my humble opinion. |
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would like to think at least partially *circumstance* rather than *selfish*..........AND....I guess always with the variables of time, magnitude, and the "intangible something".......that no matter what!!!!! the friendship between caretaker (in whatever capacity) and child remain!!!
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It never occurred to me that a man who had never had kids could be considered less desirable than one who did. Both of my brother-in-laws have never had kids. (Nor have my two sisters) And I consider both of them to be wonderful men. As is my step-father who never had kids of his own. I should be so lucky to find a man like any one of them.
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What is a selfish reason for not wanting kids?
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Edited by
fleta_n_mach
on
Mon 09/22/14 07:49 PM
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It never occurred to me that a man who had never had kids could be considered less desirable than one who did. Both of my brother-in-laws have never had kids. (Nor have my two sisters) And I consider both of them to be wonderful men. As is my step-father who never had kids of his own. I should be so lucky to find a man like any one of them. It never crossed my mind either. In fact, I'm pretty much done raising children. Yes, that means I'm NOT a cougar either.  It's the man that counts, not necessarily how or not that he duplicated him self. |
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(Mods....please keep this "here".....as it's ultimately about dating) My Goodness I adore my Niece!!!!....and my Step-Nephews are a continuous source of joy. For one reason or another, I have not had kids of my own. I'��d like to think it'��s because of being thoughtful , responsible, and making (ultimately) responsible/good decisions even when my youthful decision making wasn't necessarily either. It wasn'��t a conscious decision. In fact I had rather expected it. It just is .or rather, is NOT! I ’m in my 40s. I get along well with kids. I DO think before I speak. I am a good protector and caretaker. I am conscientious of tools that beings need as they grow, AND that older children� have had their own life experiences to be respected. However, I am the ultimate Uncle. I can wind them up and give them back. I have a hard time saying no (too much) and setting boundaries. I LOVE STRONG.but am ultimately a ShickenChit!! My Niece's skinned knees made me SO sick at my stomach.That was SO bad enough a risk! This lack of true depth of experience is a deal breaker for many. How do Middle-Agers feel about potential partners whom have never had kids of their own? im very surprised about the not having kids part being the deal breaker. my brother doesn't have kids and a friend we grew up with. yet they are so good with kids and just a hell of a man each in their own way. men happen to be luckier that they can have kids later in life. if for somebody who couldn't have kids were to marry into my family, there are kids of every age to share time with. in any case. a person not having kids shouldn't make them any less dateable. I admire and respect your choice. 
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What is a selfish reason for not wanting kids? Since I was the one who introduced the word to the thread ('tho I did say "*selfish*"), I'll assume that was directed at me. The second 40+ YO, never-been-married, never-had-kids man that I was with was branded by his friends and his family as being "too selfish and too self-centered" to ever want children. They were quite emphatic about it. He chose early on to dedicate himself to his career at Intel; his 30+ year career allowed him to work in 5 different countries, sometimes in 2+ year stints and he moved frequently. He realized his desire to continue his work would NOT work well with being married and raising children, so he chose not to. What others labeled "selfish", I saw as being self-aware and making life choices which supported HIS life plan. Personally, I think a truly "selfish" person would have continued his career WHILE getting married and having children, and forcing his wife and kids to get acclimated to a new country, new way of life, and new set of friends every couple of years - or to leave her to be a single-parent, raising kids all alone. I never saw a problem with his "selfishness", which is why I referred to it as *selfish*.  |
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What is a selfish reason for not wanting kids? Since I was the one who introduced the word to the thread ('tho I did say "*selfish*"), I'll assume that was directed at me. The second 40+ YO, never-been-married, never-had-kids man that I was with was branded by his friends and his family as being "too selfish and too self-centered" to ever want children. They were quite emphatic about it. He chose early on to dedicate himself to his career at Intel; his 30+ year career allowed him to work in 5 different countries, sometimes in 2+ year stints and he moved frequently. He realized his desire to continue his work would NOT work well with being married and raising children, so he chose not to. What others labeled "selfish", I saw as being self-aware and making life choices which supported HIS life plan. Personally, I think a truly "selfish" person would have continued his career WHILE getting married and having children, and forcing his wife and kids to get acclimated to a new country, new way of life, and new set of friends every couple of years - or to leave her to be a single-parent, raising kids all alone. I never saw a problem with his "selfishness", which is why I referred to it as *selfish*. Morning M...I love your post because it underscores my feelings on this subject...If a woman with kids 'still living at home' develops an interest in a man who never had kids, she could have a "knee-jerk" reaction and consider it a red flag by assuming he would not understand the daily demands of responsible parenting...I would be more inclined to see as a red flag never being married or experiencing a long term committed (live-in) relationship...I imagine the knee-jerk reaction in that case would be he's gay, he's self centered, he's commitment phobic...In both cases if I liked the man well enough, I would date him, but keep my guard up and watch for troubling signs/symptoms of any and all of these issues...As a single mother raising kids, my children would be my priority, he would have to be willing to come in second to that until they were raised...That is not easy for some men....Bottom line is (sorry for the clich�) it really depends on how the two people involved handle the situation...One thing I can say with certainty is I would not let either circumstance stop me from exploring the potential for love... 
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Edited by
Beachfarmer
on
Tue 09/23/14 07:54 AM
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I DO have to at least entertain the idea somehow (whether conscious or not) of being selfish or self absorbed. It would be dishonest not to.
EDIT:  ....and that is so very big of me.
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I DO have to at least entertain the idea somehow (whether conscious or not) of being selfish or self absorbed. It would be dishonest not to. EDIT: ....and that is so very big of me. My sisters have both had to deal with the issue of being called selfish for their decision to not have children. They both have their reasons (which are private to them and I won't elaborate) but I don't think selfish is a good word to use when describing the situation. Even if someone decides not to have children because they don't want to share their time and resources. It's a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice and a very personal decision that should not be judged by anyone. |
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