And have you learnt that/those lesson(s)? (Be honest now!!)

Not looking for snide comments on exes, just curious if anyone ever bothered to 'analyze' in retrospect what you had to learn from them.

Very educational, it helps you see if you've learnt it, or partially or not at all. And can help define what kind of person would suit you best.

For anyone thinking of putting their smarty pants on and knock their exes: That means you did not learn the lesson(s) you could've learnt!

For me one of the big things to learn was trusting myself and my own instincts.
Meaning that when I ever so vaguely felt he wasn't right for me, I should've backed out. In spite of whatever he or other people told me. Or even what I tried to make myself believe.

I learned that while I did love my ex wife, I wasn't really "in love" with her. Plus I learned that fooling yourself into thinking you will work it out with your ex makes you look and feel like an idiot (after the fact) but in reality you really show how strong you are for wanting it to work.

For me it is also trust. Not in myself though..in them. I don't think I have ever completely let go and trusted a partner 100%.

not sure I wanna talk about what I learned..some of them were not easy leassons..
I got married when I was 23..

think one of the first harsh lesson that hit me was

that this person who says they love you..can also get angry, raise their voice at you and say very cutting and hurtful things in an argument..and then later on when things are calmed down..say I love you again

those 3 words have very little meaning..it's not what you say
it's what you do that matters

that this person is NOT responsible for your happiness and don't you dare think anyone on this planet outside of you is..

that he is NOT a mind reader..
if you are unhappy then speak up for yourself

if you do not like the gift he bought, the outfit he picked out then say so or you will get some just like it for the next 20 years
if you do not like the tone of voice or the thing he just said..speak up

that this person is not going to live up to that image ya got in your brain of what a husband is supposed to be..

he is not going to buy you flowers just because, or call the radio station to play your favorite song or tell you to go put your feet up and clean the house and cook you dinner or ask you how your day was or what is new with kids. He will never go for a walk on beach with you or sit at some little cafe and stare lovingly into your eyes..or say those things you need to hear

he is NOT going to change..POOF overnight into this guy that is expressive, affectionate and says and does all right things and no amount of wishing on your part will make it so..
not because humans are incapable of change but because he is choosing not to

that those things..you suspect actually lurk just below the surface with him..that you brush off as " oooh no that can't really be who he is" are actually true but you will not be ready to face that for years

that the slogan " the more you give, the more you receive" is bull sheet.
sacrificing your own needs and wants for the needs of family or for him.. only got you misery in return

that some men use religion and your beliefs as a means of controlling you
that trust is earned not freely given

that I did the majority of the raising of the kids..I am actually pretty good at it

that I am strong, intelligent, capable and competent

that is better to stand alone then to be in a crappy relationship

never allow the unequal distribution of power in any relationship ever again..come into it as equals or not at all

I learnt take off the rose coloured glasses
Be aware of what's going around you when he's around.
Watch how he treats his mum.
Check family history before you marry

If you are not a happy bride to be call it off before, or during the wedding. Don't spend your time trying to put right something that is not or never will be.
A lot of what Tmommy said also.
There are hard lessons to learn

Don't settle for second best.
Most of all be honest, and love yourself enough to say how you feel.

The most important if he leaves his wallet at home when he's dating and his ideal date to reward you is the dump.
RUN LIKE MAD AND DON'T EVER TURN BACK.

Thank you T and Annie ...
Indeed all hard things.
But I was actually aiming more at the overall lesson for you as an individual, not the details so much.

Like when you look back, you can see why you met this and that person, because you had to learn such and so.
For instance more self-esteem, being able to let go, deal with fears, trusting yourself or another etc.
And if you indeed learnt those lessons that each person offered you (esp the a-holes!!) you can also see your growth as an individual, and how far you've come.

And since partners mean so much to us, they usually hold bigger mirrors for us to look in and bigger or more important lessons to learn.
So bigger picture things.
.
.

I learned that I needed to be on medication. Once I was on it, I regained sanity and got away from her.

Hmmm thought about this more in the past than recently.

Probably let yourself get a little older and more independent before you get married. Just because he was your childhood sweetheart will probably not get you through the really tough times if you mature into two different people.

The apple does not far very far from the tree it feels close to. People may want to be different than their family but if they have their roots set somewhere you may or may not be able to bloom where you are planted; especially if it is in too much shade.

Even GREAT sex will not fix or sustain a marriage. No matter how much. Just because you are having sex it does not mean some people are faithful or love you.

Unhappy people do not make happy spouses no matter how much you love them. Unhappy people will breakdown and it can be employment, parenting, health, physical or mental, but if it is the later it will take a lot more for the bruises to heal than time. Once and done is the only way to go. If someone has a history you will ne next.

Children learn what they live. You may think you have pulled yourself and your children up by your bootstraps and they turned out but they are the ones that pay the real price and sometimes that takes years for them to admit to you. And that is excruciating pain when you realize it.

Divorce may be angry but death of a real love is choking rage that takes your breath away. Anyone who has not experienced it doesn't have a clue. All widows are not equal and some were just divorces that did not happen in time.

The Principles are rarely the only parties involved in the end of relationships. Take time to look at the whole picture. If it is a persons kids you don't have a shot. Blood is thicker than promises.

Just finishing college and hopefully now ready to sustain yourself? Get a job, and your own home. How is it a bad thing that you have not messed up your life or someone else's by getting the cart before the horse? Intimacy is a wonderful thing when you are prepared for it but up until now you would not have been.

Social skills with dating, having a girlfriend, can be taught only to a degree and really develop by experience. Different cultures do it differently. I would look for a successful peer in your family, preferably a good quality female to discuss politely how to make the first social overtures'. Then, when a relationship develops, take your cues from your love interest. Be RESPONSIBLE and HONORABLE and you should have no regrets.

From an ex... I relearned the true meaning of friendship.
For that, I am eternally grateful.

lol funy

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was in my 20's. I didn't date at all in high school. We were together a few years and lived together/engaged. I realized I didn't want to be with him the rest of my life. He was kind of controlling. He wasn't abusive or anything, just everything had to be his way and I always had to give in. I learned that I want a relationship where we have similar interests and know how to compromise.

Don't back into him.

How to adapt to that particular relationship, and my limitations in my ability to with that particular person.

Otherwise to not use relationships as teaching moments in hindsight and trying to change based on a failed relationship is generally a bad idea.

It's too easy to look back and see what I want to see and rationalize bad behavior.

e.g. looking back and learning to trust my instincts.
If I look back and think "hmmm, I knew they weren't going to work out, I should have listened to that," it doesn't teach me what I probably should learn...how to pick people that won't trigger that response, or whether or not I truly want to be in a relationship at all.

Instead, I can easily start thinking "I'm going to trust my instincts from now on, lesson learned!" and then going back to the same thing of picking "bad" matches, and it's going to be really easy to just knee jerk react to any negative emotional impulse which could be driven more by my mood than anything they've done.

And if the relationship fails, or dating just doesn't work out, or leads to more negative interaction driven mostly by my "instincts," I can then rationalize it and say "see!? I was right! I'm proud of myself that this time I followed my instincts and trusted myself!" even though that's not what really happened.

And that simply leads to a cycle of self sabotaging myself even though I keep thinking I'm doing the right and smart thing.

So in essence I'm "learning" how better to avoid that which I really need to learn.

Other than that, I've learned to focus on positive things I consistently do whether I'm in a relationship or not.
But that had nothing to do with having to learn anything from partners.



IMO that's like using your forehead to drive nails into a board and then analyzing why you feel so much pain.
At best you learn to use a tougher part of your head, to give yourself more time to heal between nails, or try to get someone else to do it for you.
It doesn't teach you how to use a hammer, or to explore drills, screws, bolts, glue, or dovetails and gravity.

IMO trying to learn from past relationships you are bounded by the limitations of the relationship, forces you into a type of tunnel vision where you don't really look very far outside of it.

At best you learn something that is possibly useful to that particular relationship and believe it can be applied to your general life.

How not to be selfish and making someone else feel special and happy is better then any gift I could give myself.She was a great girl,I was to young and immature, it is one of my biggest failures in life.

I guess that could be a very painful experience.
Note taken

I learned to not 'hold a grudge'
I learned to speak my peace, perhaps agree to disagree, but to move on and not bring things back up..
sometimes things went my way, sometimes not... its give & take.

That women who have been molested as a child never get completely over it. Couples facing this should take therapy because the problems are to complex for most men to understand.