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| Topic: the fine art of "settling".... | |
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Takin a gander at the profiles, of many articulate women, on this site, especially in my age group, plus minus 10 years,I have noticed the phrase..."not settling" /" not going to settle" and some other variations, being randomly tossed about. So I was just wondering if some of my ilk...gentleman pirates...feel the same way?
Personally, I would settle for a woman who was trusting, faithful, witty, active (very) not snobbish, one who could hold a rapid fire kinda conversation....looks and other physical attributes, not very important, but important enough to garner second looks from all else apart from me...OK me hearties...try to keep the thread as clean as you can...Mods already have their beautiful eyes on me...yeah!lots of posts got the axe, so I know...  
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This process of determining what one will choose and accept is highly personal and not one that deserves great scrutiny as it presupposes one knows what is best for another a highly unlikely ability. Deciding a bottom line is often found through ones personal experiences and helps formulate ones judgement calls and as such, need to be honored unless one is willing to create problems for oneself and the other person in the name of helpful a slippery slope...
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I must be a settler, because I have cable instead of satellite.
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Studies conducted on male & female subjects in marriages[over age 50] indicated that the men expressed a much greater degree of satisfaction & happiness than the women within the relationship. The other observation that was noted was in terms of whether the marriage was the couple's first, second, or third [ect.] marriage. While the men seemed to indicate a similar & constant level of contentment irregardless of whether the marriage was their first, second, third,[ect.]; the discontent in the relationship seemed to significantly increase in correlation to the number of the subject's subsequent marriages. In essence, although all women over 50 indicated a greater dissatisfaction in their marital relation than the men in the same age range; the degree of female dissatisfaction would markedlyincrease if the marriage was her second, or third[ect.]. The reason that these findings might be of significance is related to the Op's inquiry on a female's use of term, "Settling". Both genders over age 50 have had significant past relationships. Females have had the charge & the gender conditioning in terms of supplying the majority of the "emotional content" within a relationship. Therefore, the female is more sensitized to the emotional landscape within the relationship. It is her domain. In assessing the emotional landscape of the relationship; the woman cannot only focus on her partner's satisfaction[emotional state] but must acknowledge her own emotional status. If a woman's own emotional satisfaction & fulfillment is totally related to the fact that her partner's needs are fulfilled in the relationship; then everything's ***** dory. In my own personal experience[s]; satisfying my partner's emotional needs was not enough. I had My Own Needs that could differ quite a bit from those of my partner. It never ended well because I couldn't quite repress my own need to grow in those ways that were individual & necessary to myself. My earlier life experiences & the ignorance of youth contributed to making "wrong choices"in terms of selecting the [wrong] partner. I suppose that with the modest amount of insight that I've managed to accumulate will enhance the ability to make better choices.  Therefore with the ability to make good choices; there is no longer the need to "Settle". 
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Edited by
Duttoneer
on
Thu 02/25/16 02:21 AM
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Studies conducted on male & female subjects in marriages[over age 50] indicated that the men expressed a much greater degree of satisfaction & happiness than the women within the relationship. The other observation that was noted was in terms of whether the marriage was the couple's first, second, or third [ect.] marriage. While the men seemed to indicate a similar & constant level of contentment irregardless of whether the marriage was their first, second, third,[ect.]; the discontent in the relationship seemed to significantly increase in correlation to the number of the subject's subsequent marriages. In essence, although all women over 50 indicated a greater dissatisfaction in their marital relation than the men in the same age range; the degree of female dissatisfaction would markedlyincrease if the marriage was her second, or third[ect.]. The reason that these findings might be of significance is related to the Op's inquiry on a female's use of term, "Settling". Both genders over age 50 have had significant past relationships. Females have had the charge & the gender conditioning in terms of supplying the majority of the "emotional content" within a relationship. Therefore, the female is more sensitized to the emotional landscape within the relationship. It is her domain. In assessing the emotional landscape of the relationship; the woman cannot only focus on her partner's satisfaction[emotional state] but must acknowledge her own emotional status. If a woman's own emotional satisfaction & fulfillment is totally related to the fact that her partner's needs are fulfilled in the relationship; then everything's ***** dory. In my own personal experience[s]; satisfying my partner's emotional needs was not enough. I had My Own Needs that could differ quite a bit from those of my partner. It never ended well because I couldn't quite repress my own need to grow in those ways that were individual & necessary to myself. My earlier life experiences & the ignorance of youth contributed to making "wrong choices"in terms of selecting the [wrong] partner. I suppose that with the modest amount of insight that I've managed to accumulate will enhance the ability to make better choices. Therefore with the ability to make good choices; there is no longer the need to "Settle". Why the level of discontent is greater in those women in their second or third marriage seems to me to indicate they should probably have remained single, marriage just does not work for everyone, this is just my opinion. Regarding the OPs post and the phrases ..."not settling" /" not going to settle" in a woman's profile, I think it makes clear that they know what are looking for, and perhaps a little picky, but it would not put me off if I wanted to contact them. |
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Apart from the reasons why woman don't want to settle as much as men ...
I would not put that in my profile. If I'd see that in a guy's profile, I'm off as it comes across as very rigid. And makes me feel I will have to do all of the compromising which I am not willing to do. So you got resistance before you even got talking together! Also, just stating "Not settling" is as meaningless as "Red cat fly". Not settling in what area? Long story short: too off-putting to put in a profile. Better to write a profile text that is aimed at the niche you're after ... Works much better and not off-putting at all. |
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I wouldn't put "not gonna settle". Hell, I make it clear that I want the whole Shabazz.......I want the yin and the yang....I want a lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets. And if she can do my taxes for me then I will marry her right on the spot.
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I hear you marry for love when you are young and for companionship when you get older. Does that count as settling?
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I personally think that anybody that has been blessed to sustain a longterm successful relationship has settled to varying degrees. I dont believe any couple fulfils each others romantic needs and wants 100%. If that is the case , I imagine that many of the longterm successful relationships are based on.the premise of choosing a mate who mutually meet each others FUNDMENTAL NEEDS, who mutually could tolerate each other's crap, and who mutually felt inspired by each other to embark on a life jouney TOGETHER with all its dizzying highs and devastating lows. Acceptance of each others deficiencies and each others inability to filulfil all of each others needs and wants, IS a form of settling in my mind , but I know others probably see it differently.
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 02/25/16 06:27 AM
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Thu 02/25/16 06:45 AM
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statistics on subsequent marriages and women must also take into consideration the fact that many do not have children with their second or third husbands like they did with their first one and this may be a factor in choosing to walk out the door much sooner
also..the fear of what a divorce actually entails is now gone " been there and done that" why women tend to be picky... wonder how many of these so called picky ones are the ones who chose to leave their marriage in the first place.. who looked around at these so-called 'happily married couples' and saw the hypocrisy and the 'happy face' they put on for company but also saw the jabs, the constant complaining, the loneliness, hostility, laziness and neglect. perhaps these so-called picky women who do not settle decided that being alone is better than that they know damn good and well what they chose to walk away from and what they will no longer tolerate in their lives |
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It depends, You meet someone new and as you get to know them. you notice things.. it all comes down to, are you willing to look past some of the things you may not like... Does the other things compensate for the more glaring defects? not only now but in the future..
Someone once said the things I first loved about you, are the things I now dislike most about you.. Tough call, Is it selfishness to not be accommodating of someone who does not live up to our expectations? Can we practice and tolerance? knowing not everyone is perfect..that someone will always rub us the wrong way... That's why I invested in a "Real Doll' problem solved  
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I agree with so much being said in this tread. What made me attracted to my ex, was what caused me to ask her to leave after 6 years of marriage. And being the second time getting divorced, just made it that much easier to divorce instead of even thinking about working it out.
And I remember, my friends took me out to celebrate my divorce and I watched the married ones pick at each other, and thought to myself, this can't be happiness, if it is, I want to stay single. |
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...everyone has problems... You just need to find somebody whose problems you can live with. I commend women who 'wont settle' it shows they are committed to finding a soul satisfying love.
Grab her she will work hard to make the relationship not just good but epic... then your in for the ride of your life. |
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Anyone who uses the term 'settled' for their relationship
will eventually resent it. And you are doing no one a favor..sheesh let them go so they can find someone who really loves them. |
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Totally agree....if u keep insisting, that u settled, and u could have done better, and never ever passed up an opportunity to let me know that...lets do us both a favour ...bye bye... Ah! yes, the story of my life in just those few words....all i an say..
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I wouldn't put "not gonna settle". Hell, I make it clear that I want the whole Shabazz.......I want the yin and the yang....I want a lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets. And if she can do my taxes for me then I will marry her right on the spot. You need to do a guy's taxes in order to get proposed to these days? Oh man ... I'm so doomed ... 
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Edited by
IgorFrankensteen
on
Fri 02/26/16 09:17 PM
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Oh, heck. I've been hearing/reading people's brave statements and vows for sixty years now, and the only thing that changes, is which collection of wishful thinking and nonsense is most faddishly popular.
What I've repeatedly witnessed people DOING, has almost always been completely different. At the "second or more serious relationship" stage, it's very common to want to break from whatever people become convinced was why they had a bad time of it. A lot of the time, it reminds me of businesses who hire a new promotions manager, but keep their products the same. What's the difference between "settling," and "resolving to be more accepting of difference?" Nothing but presentation. And what's the difference between "Being a self-centered jerk" and "going for what you know is right for you?" Not a damn thing, but whether the last movie you saw was about a tough winner or a sensitive savior. |
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