When I was younger, I never understood why people broke up even though they claim to still love each other,, (speaking about marital commitment here)



When the time came in my first marriage that I decided to leave, however, I had a different perspective.

My first husband had been my best friend and the love of my life and for a while, I believe I was his as well. I have no doubt the deep love I held was reciprocal. When we had a child, things changed. I don't feel he stopped loving me, but he was not mature enough to be seen by his friends as committed because to them that was weakness.

As he became more like them, less devote to our vows, I lost respect for him and gained concern not only for my health, and the example we were setting of marriage for our son, but for how our love for one another would be affected.

Certainly, the less respect either of us held for the other, the harder and more shallow our 'love' for each other would become.


I didn't see a way where accepting another I'm sorry without real consequence was going to change things, I only saw them getting worse as long as I continued to stick around, I only saw a time where I Would hate this person for what happened to our life and I did not ever want to hate him.

So, as odd as it sounds, I decided it would be better to leave while I still loved him than to hang around waiting to exist in a loveless marriage completely absent any respect. THAT Was definitely not what I wanted for us or for our son.



To this day I believe that decision is why I still love him and respect him dearly,,even if its completely non romantic. I believe our relationship is healthier for us this way and much healthier for our son to see that we love each other, even though we aren't together.




Do you think you should/could leave someone you still loved or do you believe any sign of love requires continuing to fight to make it better?

Wow Harmony, great post! Thanks for sharing!

I have to agree with you. Stay in the marriage till it's just a dead husk?

If it's over and you have tried to recover it a few times, and you see the mountain looming bin the distance, don't ride it into the ground. Get out while you still can salvage love in your heart.

ty

ITs a tough decision when the vows are for better OR WORSE

That vow is relevant to two people with the same goal. Love loss is a deal breaker.

This is a great thread MsH . Thanks for sharing

I have developped the courage it takes to end a relationship that I sense is unhealthy, but like you , I take marriage VERY SERIOUSLY, which is why I have been super slow to do it again.

I think you do have to weigh the OVERALL COST in staying in a marriage, when you are at that crossroad. I had a relative who began to lose her health and her sanity literally over her bad marriage. And in the end , she deemed that cost as being too great, as you did when you weighed the impact of preserving a broken marriage, on your son and your spiritual health.

Thats a personal cost that everyone has to calculate and weigh on their own , as we ultimately have to live with the effects of that choice.

Its almost as if we have to choose sometimes between our commitment to our mates and our love for ourselves.

Thank you Peggy

I have great respect for those making the choice between saving their marriage or saving their health or love.

its not an easy one at all,,,

I would try to stay for the sake of love and do my best to rekindle the flame but there comes a time when you have to call it quits.

as long as there's love and we still share the same horizon's in life regardless of the pain,trials etc...I'll stay...no matter how hard..no matter how painful...:

Before marriage I would and have left while still in love with the other person.

One situation we both loved each other but we were just too different. We both knew we were driving the other crazy and not in a good way.

HOWEVER, marriage is a serious commitment. My belief is that every effort should be made to make it work because marriage is a contract not a collection of feelings.

I believe that love, understanding and respect are three important factors that bind two people, but the most is LOVE. And if there is no love, what else should you hold on to and fight for in your relationship. If one is confused of his love to you, then it is not true love for he doesn't know his heart and doesn't know how to recognize love, with this I would rather let go of the man I love than live in pain with the thought that he could never love me completely.... it's all or nothing. It takes two to tango , both work together to save the relationship but without love it's nothing. Arguments, disagreements or fighting , problems sometimes in a relationship are just normal, I can patiently deal with all these and I would be willing to go through all the pain and trials as long as I have a hand that holds mine , a reassuring and reliable love that would comfort each other to weather the storm. I take marriage seriously for it is a vow, I will try harder to make it better and fight for our love to survive but if one is not willing or not cooperating it would be difficult to work alone. If he doesn't show improvement and instead of saving your relationship , he continues to sabotage everything that you have, then it is much better to accept the situation and let go while you still have love and respect for each other. Living together without love and respect could destroy you both. Leave an unfavorable marriage wih your dignity still intact , rather than letting it destroy your sanity. Bring with you the good memories and let go of the bad memories while you still can.

I had a boyfriend some time ago that I loved very much, but I knew it was time to leave him when I no longer liked the person he had become. I can't respect someone I don't like. It was definitely time to leave. It was painful because I still loved him, but I no longer wanted to be around him and neither did his friends, he just drove everyone away and there was nothing I could do to change that and believe me I tried. But it takes two people to make a relationship work and if your partner isn't willing to work on the relationship then obviously they don't value it the way you do. Leaving him was the best decision I could make and I don't regret it to this day even though it was very hard to do. In the end we both agreed it was the best thing for the both of us since neither one of us was happy in the relationship anymore.

This has applications beyond dissolving a marriage, or an otherwise committed relationship. There are many aspects, facets, and adventures that are inherent to a human life, where we must let each other go. Parents have to, at some point, accept that their children are going to take actions and make choices which will end or so transform the parent/offspring relationship, that it can't continue. There are other similar things, everyone can think up on their own.

I have been through my own example of this. I have seen others TRY to carry it off. The most intense pain of my early life, was my own instance where I told someone that I had finally realized that no matter what I did, and by then I had tried everything, that in spite of the fact that SHE claimed to want us to continue, that I knew that there just wasn't any way that I could ever make her happy to be with me. Never.

I don't know that I can lay realistic claim to still loving her afterwards. Maybe I did, and maybe not. I actually don't know.

It might be, that what I was really preserving, was my own faith in the value and meaning of love and life itself. That I left her in the name of love, because that was the best thing that I could do for her at that time, because I had loved her.

I preserved my respect for the love that I had felt for her, and I preserved my personal honor. It cost me everything else.

Sometimes it's like milking a dead cow.

BUT.....

I don't know how anyone can just walk away from someone they truly love without trying everything first.

I just cannot to do it myself. Iit's so hard to find real love to start with

It is, yet another of those things that no one who hasn't been through it, and been transformed by it, can possibly understand it. It's about like trying to imagine what it's like to be thirty five, when you are only six.

Exactly

I have great respect for that. Its a level of selflessness I have not yet attained,,,

I get what you are saying and This had to be so painful for you and I do think you made the wisest choice for you....


I think for me I kept going because I loved him and I knew he loved me. What finally made the decision for me was when he cheated... That was the final straw.

I would still go to the end with someone I love..
It takes so much for me to commit that I am just made that way... I don't jump into relationships..

I remember when Pancho and I started chatting and we were going there to exclusivity I had to do some deep soul searching.

Since, I have actually spent more time alone than I have in a relationship so I had to look at that. It took me a few days before I could commit I wanted to be sure.

For me once I love I love and there is no going back...

Yes, Indeed...Couldn't agree more