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| Topic: Disagreeing with a loved one.. | |
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Do you have a hard time arguing... your point with a loved one without really upsetting them.. . And then do you sometimes look at them and think I can't understand why I'm with you...lol.. is it common..to feel that.. or sometimes you realize you're arguing about nothing at all.. arguing about how to communicate with each other.. effectively ....is it all just one big learning process.. figuring each other out...
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If the arguing part is stronger than the love part, just go separate ways, better off so, before things go nasty.
Though we can't agree 100% all the time. Most important is, to quote my late granny, never go to bed without wishing a good night. |
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Hummm nope myself I'm a very open and verbal person.. I don't have a problem getting my point across nor will I sit and argue with anyone over trivia stuff..
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sounds just like mine, we met at 16 went through thick an thin , pulled together, now after 0ver 50 years we split,
it happens, sad but the constant arguing was too much, |
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One of the many joys of being
deaf in one ear. All I gotsta do, is turn my head, any anyone will sound just like Charlie Brown's teacher. Wa? Wa wa wa wa!!!   |
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Edited by
Toodygirl5
on
Thu 03/07/19 02:15 PM
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I prefer not to argue with anyone , just try to understand their View of things. If I don't agree say so and just detour to another subject.
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When we disagree, I wait till I’m not angry to bring it up. Then he has this routine where we sit and listen to understand the issue. |
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Calm composed discussion of differing opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, convictions etc is healthy. Effective communication usually strengthens community. It's a skill that needs to be nurtured and exercised to develop and improve.
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Calm composed discussion of differing opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, convictions etc is healthy. Effective communication usually strengthens community. It's a skill that needs to be nurtured and exercised to develop and improve. You’re right, I can’t do that when I’m angry lol. We sit down, discuss the issue, then listen to how the other person feels. Also ask how to make it better for them. |
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Do you have a hard time arguing... your point with a loved one without really upsetting them.. . And then do you sometimes look at them and think I can't understand why I'm with you...lol.. is it common..to feel that.. or sometimes you realize you're arguing about nothing at all.. arguing about how to communicate with each other.. effectively ....is it all just one big learning process.. figuring each other out... I have always been sensitive to body language and avoid confrontation or discomfort with loved ones. I discuss and if it seems like they are very passionate or uncomfortable, I let it go and move on to something else. I agree to disagree. Few things are worth causing a loved one unnecessary discomfort, for me. |
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I haven't felt passionate enough about anything to the point of an argument in a very long time.
I know what I know but if you can teach me my errors convincingly, I have no problem acknowledging my error. However, when I do know I am right, I tell it as I know it and that is all I need to do. Just because someone else is dead set to be ignorant doesn't mean a ratsazz to me. Life just doesn't have to be complicated. |
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Things changed for me when I learnt to communicate the right (feminine) way. Made all the difference in the world and it felt a helluva lot better to me too. More natural.
We never really had a fight. Twice there was a bit of a problem, we sorted it the same way. If one communicates the right way the other automatically follows. It takes a bit of getting used to as you cannot fake that. You cannot appear to be calm & collective & understanding while you're seething underneath. Then you're suppressing and keeping up appearances which isn't healthy. The problem is that no one was reared with healthy, good communication styles so if we want to learn it we have to find it ourselves, get educated. |
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how
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Something I came to about this a very long time ago, was the recognition that some people who become argumentative (especially within an officially serious relationship) don't care whatsoever about the subject or content of the argument itself. They have other motivations entirely.
Sometimes they know they are fussing over something other than what their words are about, and sometimes they don't know. There a number of variations in the patterns. One obvious variation, is when the person is arguing because they want to break up with you, but they want YOU to be the one who gets in a huff and leaves. I usually suspect that motive, whenever the person shifts to another gripe, the moment I resolve the immediate one (through apologies or repair actions of some sort). People who are already actively chasing or even "having an affair" with someone else, tend to do this. Another variation, is in relationships where the person griping fears that they are stuck accepting something about life that they don't like. Especially about themselves. This is a sort of "transference" argument situation, where they fuss at the other person, perhaps in the hope that they can prove to themselves that it really IS their fault after all. And of course, within oneself, there's always the possibility for the flipside of that second one. I may have a real defect in me, at least relative to the other person, that I want to deny, and so when they try to coax me into behaving more rationally or thoughtfully, I convince myself they are just making up reasons to fuss out of nothing. |
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Edited by
mysticalview21
on
Fri 03/08/19 06:22 AM
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I may disagree with what some do ... but I do not argue ...
I have to remember a lot is out of my control ... so I just take it as agree to disagree ... I believe I have grown to understand ... you can not change a person ... took a long time to realize that and mean it ... but it is for the best to just except it ... for yourself and others... |
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Do you have a hard time arguing... your point with a loved one without really upsetting them.. . And then do you sometimes look at them and think I can't understand why I'm with you...lol.. is it common..to feel that.. or sometimes you realize you're arguing about nothing at all.. arguing about how to communicate with each other.. effectively ....is it all just one big learning process.. figuring each other out... You're going to have arguments and get upset every now and then, it's part of growing together. Having the same argument over and having arguments that don't lead to progression are not good though. If you're wondering why you're with them while "in the heat of the moment" and it's just a fleeting thought, I wouldn't give it much weight, but if it's something that you continue to feel, then there may be something to it. Some people like to fight and argue. Some people like to make up after a fight, and will pick fights just to make up. |
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I suppose it's how you view argument as opposed to expostulation.
I'm an opionated guy and more often than not people view that as argumentative which I'm sure is how they felt. |
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Something I came to about this a very long time ago, was the recognition that some people who become argumentative (especially within an officially serious relationship) don't care whatsoever about the subject or content of the argument itself. They have other motivations entirely. Sometimes they know they are fussing over something other than what their words are about, and sometimes they don't know. There a number of variations in the patterns. One obvious variation, is when the person is arguing because they want to break up with you, but they want YOU to be the one who gets in a huff and leaves. I usually suspect that motive, whenever the person shifts to another gripe, the moment I resolve the immediate one (through apologies or repair actions of some sort). People who are already actively chasing or even "having an affair" with someone else, tend to do this. Another variation, is in relationships where the person griping fears that they are stuck accepting something about life that they don't like. Especially about themselves. This is a sort of "transference" argument situation, where they fuss at the other person, perhaps in the hope that they can prove to themselves that it really IS their fault after all. And of course, within oneself, there's always the possibility for the flipside of that second one. I may have a real defect in me, at least relative to the other person, that I want to deny, and so when they try to coax me into behaving more rationally or thoughtfully, I convince myself they are just making up reasons to fuss out of nothing. All of that sounds like game playing...which *I* have no time for. If there is an *actual* issue we have a disagreement on...there's discussion...sometimes there's an argument if it is something not easily resolved to the mutual satisfaction of both....sometimes neither one gets what they want.... But...you try and do the best the two of you can.. Those that argue/ picks fights for BS reasons are short term in my life....I don't have time for people like that.. |
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Something I came to about this a very long time ago, was the recognition that some people who become argumentative (especially within an officially serious relationship) don't care whatsoever about the subject or content of the argument itself. They have other motivations entirely. Sometimes they know they are fussing over something other than what their words are about, and sometimes they don't know. There a number of variations in the patterns. One obvious variation, is when the person is arguing because they want to break up with you, but they want YOU to be the one who gets in a huff and leaves. I usually suspect that motive, whenever the person shifts to another gripe, the moment I resolve the immediate one (through apologies or repair actions of some sort). People who are already actively chasing or even "having an affair" with someone else, tend to do this. Another variation, is in relationships where the person griping fears that they are stuck accepting something about life that they don't like. Especially about themselves. This is a sort of "transference" argument situation, where they fuss at the other person, perhaps in the hope that they can prove to themselves that it really IS their fault after all. And of course, within oneself, there's always the possibility for the flipside of that second one. I may have a real defect in me, at least relative to the other person, that I want to deny, and so when they try to coax me into behaving more rationally or thoughtfully, I convince myself they are just making up reasons to fuss out of nothing. All of that sounds like game playing...which *I* have no time for. If there is an *actual* issue we have a disagreement on...there's discussion...sometimes there's an argument if it is something not easily resolved to the mutual satisfaction of both....sometimes neither one gets what they want.... But...you try and do the best the two of you can.. Those that argue/ picks fights for BS reasons are short term in my life....I don't have time for people like that.. When the person KNOWS they are doing this kind of transference or dishonest stuff, I agree with you entirely. Sometimes people don't realize that they aren't actually upset about the thing they are griping about, though. It's one of those "things to watch out for and check on" items. |
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Something I came to about this a very long time ago, was the recognition that some people who become argumentative (especially within an officially serious relationship) don't care whatsoever about the subject or content of the argument itself. They have other motivations entirely. Sometimes they know they are fussing over something other than what their words are about, and sometimes they don't know. There a number of variations in the patterns. One obvious variation, is when the person is arguing because they want to break up with you, but they want YOU to be the one who gets in a huff and leaves. I usually suspect that motive, whenever the person shifts to another gripe, the moment I resolve the immediate one (through apologies or repair actions of some sort). People who are already actively chasing or even "having an affair" with someone else, tend to do this. Another variation, is in relationships where the person griping fears that they are stuck accepting something about life that they don't like. Especially about themselves. This is a sort of "transference" argument situation, where they fuss at the other person, perhaps in the hope that they can prove to themselves that it really IS their fault after all. And of course, within oneself, there's always the possibility for the flipside of that second one. I may have a real defect in me, at least relative to the other person, that I want to deny, and so when they try to coax me into behaving more rationally or thoughtfully, I convince myself they are just making up reasons to fuss out of nothing. All of that sounds like game playing...which *I* have no time for. If there is an *actual* issue we have a disagreement on...there's discussion...sometimes there's an argument if it is something not easily resolved to the mutual satisfaction of both....sometimes neither one gets what they want.... But...you try and do the best the two of you can.. Those that argue/ picks fights for BS reasons are short term in my life....I don't have time for people like that.. When the person KNOWS they are doing this kind of transference or dishonest stuff, I agree with you entirely. Sometimes people don't realize that they aren't actually upset about the thing they are griping about, though. It's one of those "things to watch out for and check on" items. Gawd, where do I begin? There is a significant amount of truth in what has been said but it is not the norm. I think the "Game playing" is the key. My gf and I play a lot of games. Most are insignificant to our relationship. Those games can be both important and unimportant to our relationship. But, only in a super-ficus way. Those 'games' are important to the relationship because they exhibit personality traits that official reactions fail to recognize. I need the unscripted. We all need the unscripted. Its the unscripted interactions that allow us to know that person as they are. I would rather see the person as they truly are than suffer thru all the unscripted bullshiat everyone thinks they need. |
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