Research seems to show that we tend to look for a partner who has the same level of facial symmetry that we do (facial symmetryâ€”how closely both sides of someoneâ€™s face are identical to each otherâ€”is one way we humans instinctively judge how physically beautiful someone is). In other words, we gravitate toward dating people who match our own level of physical attractiveness overall. But what role does your personality play in your overall attractiveness? Statistically, most people reading this are average looking (based on a 0 to 10 scale, with 0 being not at all attractive and 10 being the perfect physical specimen of humanity, statistics demand that most people land right around the middle of the scale. Itâ€™s not personal, itâ€™s math.), so what else about you makes you a stunner?
Have you ever met someone whose looks make you weak in the knees but whose personality was a total turnoff? Or what about that person who might not be model material but who makes your heart do flips because of how great he or she is? Obviously, physical looks are only part of the overall attraction equation. We each value different things in other peopleâ€”humor, intelligence, athleticism, sociability, ambition, political leanings, and so forthâ€”and when we find a person who shares a lot of the same values in common, it can be a very good thing.
Therefore, it stands to reason that you need to become the type of person youâ€™d like to date if you are not likely, from a statistical point of view, to be one of the rare 10s of the world. If youâ€™re an introverted couch potato with a beer belly and terrible manners looking for a sophisticated, athletic socialite and think itâ€™s going to magically happen without you having to lift a finger, go on dreaming your couch potato dreams. The only way to get what you want is, in this case, to become the kind of person that desirable, sophisticated, athletic socialites would probably find attractive.
While you donâ€™t have to change your fundamental personality (and you should never try to be someone you arenâ€™t just to get someone elseâ€™s approval!), pick a few things youâ€™d like to be better at doing or being. Has your temper caused breakups in the past? Find an anger therapist and work on learning to control and focus your anger into productive activities. Did you want to be a musician when you were a kid and admire people with musical talent? Whatâ€™s stopping you now from taking some piano lessons or getting some tips on the guitar? Do you want to be able to intelligently contribute to deep discussions without sounding like an idiot? Pick up a book on something youâ€™re interested in and start learning all you can.
Self-improvement is pretty simple when you get down to the nuts and bolts: pick something you find worthy of working on and then work on it. Start with one thing and then add another when you have time, money, or the inclination to do so.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be all things to all people. Not everyone in the world will like youâ€”much less love you. But they donâ€™t have to. The point is that you are improving yourself for yourself, not for the hypothetical sophisticated athletic socialite. Along the way, magical things happen: you become more interesting, and being interesting is attractive. As you broaden your horizons, youâ€™ll find that your confidence rises, you develop a more specific view about what attributes you find attractive in others, and you realize you can do hard things. If youâ€™re the couch potato with a will to become a better person, maybe in your journey to becoming more interesting and attractive through working on making yourself a better person, you do meet that sophisticated, athletic socialite who also happens to be interested in some of your favorite things. And wonâ€™t you be glad you worked to make yourself more interesting and attractive?
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