Ups.. (doesn't) it mean i just lost myself, i'm not sure though..

To improve not to change, maybe..
only i find it not that easy, yeah.. i'm not proud of myself..

Wow Bullseye
I admit that i'm a person who don't get by with the art of conversation
I better understand things in simple and straightforward manner, not proud of being this socially lacking, just livin it
But i guess if i could drastically change into a totally different isn't it mean i just lost myself, i'm not sure though.. gasp

I might only read the teaching not understanding..
doing the right don't make me good person
I've heard it's not only respect that matter to women, but i'm not sure it was intended to me

It becomes all grey now
There's sin i feel in disheartening others
Even when i think i'm doing what is right
That is why i'd better not claiming myself religious, or appear like one
I wonder if anyone could feel always right

(Ups i'd better cut it out, it started to feel not right)

I am avoiding to use that word which i find it sometimes quiet inconsiderate for other

When it goes the other way like this..

I met some women, westerner and other nationalities who seem attractive and they don't look highly upon themselves in front of me
These are ringing in my ears
"What if they think i am after their wealth?"
Since i am just a worker who they may know as a fairly paid one

Though i may still try to agree with knowing different people expanding the view and those women may too, just remembering that word could send me few steps back, and walk away, then as a guy i'd be looking kinda rude
so..
What a word that is

One that i found to be corrected
..i should admit that love exists or ever existed..
"My bad, I should've read it allover before hitting that post button"

Gosh, writing isn't my thing, and pardon my grammatical, found 'em here and there after reading my own reply,
english is not my mother tongue

All i've written here are probabilities and debatable and subject to change,

in my hopeless opinion ;), where there is any emotional connection whether it is shortlived or prolonged, onesided or both ways, i should admit that love exist or ever exist (is that a law of existence?)

due to its ilogical nature of influences, some people value it and some may seem craving for by searching for it through many dates and hook-ups,

to the scientists and/or over-rationals they just put it as brain chemistry and other hormonal activities
to the sensitive people it is more kind of supernatural,

(..when love doesn't work for me for a reason or more, i try to think that way many ways, so my energy is wasted and "YET" i don't go become too easy. it's kinda failsafe i guess, i cherish the seemingly hurting and hollow feeling it gives, and trying not to ask for more than she could give),
but who knows what future holds, maybe i just give up and go the easy way

Those women..
If only i could treat them well back then,
I was not well convinced, whether they got a crush or it's only me overrated myself