There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the
problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please
find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your
bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says,
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a
REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear
Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last
suggestion. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a
Carmel Apple.

It's not just men there Hun!! Just ask my ex that ran off with one of my
friends. Well I used to think he was a friend. This topic is a two way
street!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never cheated on any of my relationships.
Been burn't more than once though. Should I have the attitude that all
woman are sluts? I don't think so. That would be very ignorant on my
part. Just gotta make better choices.

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles,Mike
and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do
it?" asks Maureen."Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long
and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work,"
says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No
problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a
long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..." "No problem," he says, and
starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as
they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible, he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of America one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted
on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a
lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, A "$165,000". The president
was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman  replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was
no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of America!"

Ditto to xxxbigsaint comment.

That's funny, Like that one.

Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
There........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
Hand you
Counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course not......
.
.
.
.Now smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
E-mail games!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%






and




K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

That's funny man!!

Right ON!!!!!! Likin that one!

Glad you like it. Even Gladder that it's not my personal story. Just
something I found that I thought was funny as hell and worth sharing.

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I
had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam.?? "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you
a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost
all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent..... The impact knocked
me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,
all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got
your tongue?" If they only knew!

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to
forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for
Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

What would you do? You make the choice! Don't look for a punch line;
?There isn't one! ?Read it anyway. My question to all of you is: Would
you have made the same choice?





At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled
children,the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would
never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and
its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does
is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other
children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is
the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe,that when a child like Shay, physically
and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize
true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people
treat that child."Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew
were playing baseball. Shay asked,"Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like
Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were
allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and
some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay
could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and
said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I
guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the
ninth inning."

?Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a
broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his
heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. ?In the
bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still
behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and
played in the right field.. Even though no hits came his way, he was
obviou sly ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning
from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the
bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs
and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was
scheduled to be next at bat.

?At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to
win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a
hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the
bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the
other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved
in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able
to make contact. ?The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and
missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball
softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and
hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

?The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder
and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would
have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first
baseman, out of reach of all team mates ?Everyone from the stands and
both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in
his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He
scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and
struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards
second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their
team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time.
?He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he
understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the
ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third
base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and
turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!
Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and
those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home! Shay
ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit
the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
into this world.

?Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming
home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes
through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to
sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing.
The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but
public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message,chances are that you're
probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the
"appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who
sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have
thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural
order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two
people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love
and humanity or do we pass up that opportunity to brighten the day of
those with us the least able, and leave the world a little bit colder in
the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least
fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete

2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day,sunny today tomorrow & always!

God Speed!! I'll pray that all is well.

This one is for dedicated to sexynaughtygirl. I'm hoping you have a good
sence of humor!!!!


BRUNETTE MEETS JEANNIE.......

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She
rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you,
anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The brunette says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in
the world have two."

The the brunette says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes
have two."

The brunette says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there?
Beat me half to death with it."

Sorry, Th e next one will be about a brunette!! ok?

Yeah man, I think I know all of them. Ha!!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk again.