A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom.

'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me..

'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ...
God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

To which she replied,

'You're with the GOVERNMENT; this time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!'

A Cajun from Louisiana decides to travel to Virginia to see the country.

He stops at a small town and decides he likes the place so much, he wants to stay. But first, he must find a job.

He walks into the International Paper Company and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first the foreman takes him for a ride into the forest to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree. "I want you to tell me what species that tree is and how many board feet lumber it contains."

The Cajun promptly answers, "That's a White Pine and has 383 board feet of lumber in her."

The foreman is impressed! He points to another, bigger tree and asks the same question.

"That's a Loblolly Pine and has 456 clear board feet."

The foreman is even more impressed by the Cajun's quick answers and calculations without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road and the foreman asks, "What about that one?"

Before the foreman even finishes point, the Cajun says, "White Oak, 242 board feet at best."

The foreman heads back to the office feeling a little worried that the Cajun is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Cajun to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an "X" on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself there is no way he can tell him which is the front of the tree.

When the Cajun reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places an "X" on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That's the front," the Cajun says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Cajun looks down at his feet while rubbing his the toe of his boot in the grass cleaning it and says; "Because somebody took a sh*t behind it."

The Cajun got the job and is now the NEW foreman!

1. Your plants are alive and you can’t smoke them

2. Having sex in a twin bed is now out of the question

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed

5. You hear your favorite song in the elevator

6. You watch the Weather Channel

7. Your friends “marry” and “divorce” instead of “hook up” and “break up”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation to 14

9. Jeans and sweaters no longer qualify as “dressed up”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those kids next door won’t turn down their music

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up

14. You feed the dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You take naps

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. will severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids instead of condoms and pregnancy tests

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good sh*t”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I will never drink that much ever again”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for actual work

24. You drink at home to save money before going to the bar

25. When your friend tells you they are pregnant, you tell them “Congratulations!” instead of asking “Oh Sh*t! What the hell happened?”

Why are women so good at oral sex?

Because sucking the life out of a man just makes them so happy!!!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

Lol... I don't want my debt either!!!!!

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

I respect your opinion Pats.... and thanks for the compliment... glad to make you laugh

Should he maybe have mentioned "loose" boys?

Hahahahahahaha.... not feeling violated yet... you need to work on it more.....

Wait a minute.. you're in Mississippi.... gonna invest that money in one of the casinos maybe?

Cash? Check? Or CC?

Not saying all women in their 20's are that way... usually the age given. And most are probably men anyway.... Glad you are honest

Don't know if this will be considered for the jokes topic, but here goes...

Some of the things I have learned about online communication is

1) there are women in the Philippines who will tell you they love you in 5 mins if they think they can get money out of you

2) there are so many "women" who live around you but are traveling with their aunt, grandmother, cousin, brother/sister at the moment because they have to go back to South Africa to see about the family business their deceased parents left for them

3) people will be so polite to you when trying to get something from you, but become so mean an belligerent when you figure out their scam and tell them no

4) "young" women, usually in their 20's, who send you emails telling you how much they enjoyed your profile have of course never read a thing in it or they wouldn't be contacting you. Of course, redirect to pay site of some sort

5) there seems to be men who believe the above...

6) there are more dishonest people than honest people

7) apparently many people believe the spam sent to their emails otherwise it wouldn't be such an ongoing thing

8) not all profiles on dating sites are checked as thorough as the sites claim. If so, there wouldn't be the same "scripted" information in them

9) again, so many single people in Ghana who instantly love you without getting to know you

10) it's nice to know most of the people here on Mingle are real



Now, to make note, I have not fallen for any of these scams, except No. 10 which is not a scam, but have been getting much of this crap in my emails. Even with a filter, they still seem to come through.

Are there actually that many people online not familiar enough with things who fall for that? I chatted once with someone who was so excited because a young girl had contacted him and was interested in him. Of course, she was out of the states traveling to, you guessed it, GHANA because a family member, pick one, had died and she was all alone, blah blah blah. Same scripts, different name.

Well, needless to say he argued that I was wrong, got mad then quit talking for a while. UNTIL he sent her money and realized he was scammed. Live and learn I guess.

Be safe people. No one can love you in the first 5 mins of chatting. No one will send you an email telling you how much your profile touched their heart, they love you and want to be with you right now and actually mean it.

Sort of like all the "lotteries" I've "won" overseas.... even though I never entered.... lol

Have fun, be safe, use common sense and be yourself... that is what matters most.

Okay, had to vent after deleting another batch of spam....

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to a tone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me,
young man. Take me now!

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off....And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!

What Is Butt Dust???
What, you ask, is 'Butt Dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget:

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice:

'Mom, what is butt dust?'

A man was having problems remembering his wife's birthday and of course their anniversary. Try as he may, he was either a too early or too late.

One day, he thought of a good plan. He opened an account with a florist, gave him the dates, and told him so send flowers on those days with the not saying "From Your Loving Husband".

The following week was her birthday, and his planned worked very well. He was just so proud of himself.

Months later, he came home from work and saw another bouquet of flowers. His wife had a big smile on his face thinking he finally remembered their anniversary also.

He smiled backed, looked at her and asked, "Nice flowers. Who are they from?"

Afraid of the dark? Oh, I hope this doesn't turn into a racist thread

Well, according to the Mayan Calendar, we won't have to worry about anything after Dec. 2012....