LMAO...

FYI:Grow up,then you can talk to me about, um.....disturbing

Right in the middle of lovemaking,the husband dies of a heart attack.As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something,it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant,so he does it. During the funeral,friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye,but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed,the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear,"It HURTS,doesn't it?"

A woman walked up to the bar,and she gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did,she gently caressed his full beard...
'Are you the manager?' she asked,softly stroking his face with both hands.'Actually,no,'he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,'she said,running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,'said the bartender..'Is there anything I can do for you?'
'Yes,I need you to give him a message,'she continued,running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slightly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?'the bartender managed to say.
'Please tell him'she whispered,'There's "No" toilet paper,hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies restroom.

"A lady goes into a bar with a duck,she sets the duck on the bar. The bartender comes over and asks "What can I get for you and the pig?" The lady yells, "You Moron, that's a duck!" The bartender replied "Hey lady..I was talking to the duck!"

You know its going to be a bad day when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.


You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.


Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.


You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.


You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.


Your twin sister forgot your birthday.


You wake up to realize your waterbed sprung a leak and then discover you don't have a waterbed.


Your car horn decides to goes off for no reason as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.


Your blind date turns out to be your ex.


Your income tax check bounces.


You put both contacts in one eye.

A man meets a really "HOT" woman in the bar.They talk,laugh,flirt,and really hit it off,then they end up leaving together.They get back to her place,and she shows him around her apartment,he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears,everywhere! 100's of small bears on a shelf along the floor..and medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher..and then huge bears on the very top shelf.
The man is surprised that she has such a large collection of teddy bears,but he soon forgot about it,cuz he had other things on his mind,so he turns to her...and they kiss...and then they rip each others clothes off...
So after an intense night of passion,they are lying there together,the man rolls over and asks,"Well,how was it???"

The woman says,"You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."

A Japanese doctor said,"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another,and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said,"That's nothing,we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor said,"In my country,medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person,put it another,and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A Texas doctor said,"You guys are way behind.We took a man with no brains out of Texas,put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington,DC.Nothing is moving north or south.Suddenly a man knocks on the window.The driver rolls down his window and asks,'What happened? What's the hold up???'

'Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and Vice President Cheney and they're demanding a $100 million ransom for their safe release..Otherwise,they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car and gathering up a collection.'
So the driver asks,'So on average,about how much is everyone giving?? The man replies:'"'About a gallon.'"'

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter" The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me 6 double vodka's." The bartender says "Wow! you must have had a really bad day." "Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy went into the bar and asked for the same drink. When the bartender asked what the problem was today ,the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another 6 double vodka's. The bartender said "WOW..Doesn't anybody in your family like women???"the guy replyed, "Yeah, my wife..."

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.No matter how much he tried to forget about it,he just couldn't.The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:"Dave, don't worry about it.You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last...And you're single,so just let it go."But invariably he heard another voice in his head,it would bring him back to reality,it was a soft whisper: Dave .......................



Dave .......................................




Dave ..............................................


HEY DAVE...........................................


"You're a Veterinarian,You sick b*stard"!!!

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Before the inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self indulgent!" Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who p*ssed in your saxophone."

{{Everyone is in such a hurry to scream ''racism'' these days!}}
A customer asked, ''In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?''
The clerk looks at him and says, ''Are you Polish?''
The guy (clearly offended) says, ''Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.''
''If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?''
''Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?''
''Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?''
''Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?''
''Would you? Would you?''

The clerk says, ''Well, No!''
''If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?''
''Well, I probably wouldn't!''
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ''Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish,just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, ''Because you're in Home Depot.''

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850??

California became a state...
The state had no electricity...
The state had no money...
Almost everyone spoke Spanish...
There were gunfights in the streets...

So basically,it was just like California is today, except for the women had real
breasts,and the men didn't hold hands.

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained,his face was plastered with red lipstick.He smelled awful,and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes,the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say,Father,what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied,"My Son,it's caused by loose living;being with cheap,wicked women;too much alcohol;contempt for your fellow man;sleeping around with prostitutes;and lack of bathing."
The drunk muttered in response,"Well,I'll be darned,"then returned to his paper.
The priest,thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry.I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered,"I don't have it,Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A woman of 40 wants to get married,but she is willing to marry a man only if he is still a virgin...
After several unsuccessful years of searching,she decides to take out a personal ad.She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
So to make a long story short,they meet and then they end up getting married.On their wedding night,she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom,she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room,naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?"she asks.
"I've never been with a woman,"he says."But if it's anything like a kangaroo,I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

If you love something,set it free.

If it comes back,it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns,it was never yours to begin with.

If, however,it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,eats your food,
uses your telephone,takes your money,and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place,

You either married it or gave birth to it!