Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

“I can’t believe you’re single.” If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me in the past year, well, I’d have about $1.30 right now, and I would go to the White Hen and buy a bottle of Pepsi.

I got to wondering about the whole thing, and started doing some calculating, or “ciphering,” as Jethro Bodine would call it. And here’s how my dating site experience breaks down:

I have met 9 people from various dating sites, and I would have been much better off if I hadn’t. Actually, I would have been much better off being run over by a Jeep filled with rhinoceroseseseses 9 times, although I am not looking to do that as a retroactive option.

As it stands, I cannot seem to find anyone even remotely compatible (let alone interesting) on a dating site. Why is this?

It all boils down to the math. If you don’t like math, I’m on your side, and you can just skip the next 37 paragraphs. I don’t like math either, but I’m not going to be able to make my point here using semaphore, probably, so math it is.

OK. I have found, as a general rule, that most women on dating sites have kids. And the likelihood of a woman having kids goes up as she gets older. It’s a fairly easy concept to grasp: a 30-year-old is more likely to have kids than a 20-year-old. This is a strictly linear process; everyone starts out childless, and then more and more of them move from Column A (childless) to Column B (with kids) as time goes on. And it’s a one-way street. Nobody ever really goes from B to A. (Even the cases where it appears to go from B to A are really just reconfigurations -- kids move out, etc., but it doesn’t nullify the fact that they were born.)

I have done a thorough study of this, although my definition of “thorough” might seem a bit strange to anyone who actually owns a dictionary, but that’s another matter. It turns out that 98.3% of 30-year-old women, on an average dating site, have kids. In addition, of the remaining 1.7%, slightly more than 472% of those want children, proving that women really do have some difficulty with math.

I got to wondering if there might be some sort of magical “cutoff point” – a certain age where there were a significant number of women on a dating site who didn’t have kids and who didn’t want kids.

So I reran the study, this time using age 25 instead of 30, and I found that 97.9% had kids, and most of the others were trying to come up with ways to steal babies out of hospitals.

While it was true that younger women tended to be less likely to have kids, this trend was more than compensated for by the fact that even the 19-year-olds seemed to be spending hours a day learning how to write “AND THEY ARE MY WORLD” for use in future dating site profiles.

Not to mention the ever-increasing number of 19-year-olds who already HAD 3 kids.

The evidence is clear: Women are avoiding using dating sites until they have children. I suspect this is caused by a secret ingredient in anti-perspirants or hair spray or something. Or it may be hormonal, but that’s just too messy to think about.

To be honest, it's all about MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!! Period.

Funny, you get that the only constant in life is change! I have seen SO many 'well to do' men become broke and homeless overnight for a variety of reasons and all of them were bad and their fault!

I measure a man's success by his security in himself and how he treats others. But hey, that's just me.

Colorado is too cold. Sadly, all of the country boys here in Texas seem to have gotten lazy and moved to the city.

Actually I JUST got up and checked my emails before my morning cup o tea and a shower!

Funny thing about this question, supposedly our bodies are the house of god but some insist it is a church.

I got to say yes if my bod is the house of god (a rhyme!) and no if I had to go to church!

I can't be in two places at once can I?

Has anyone ever flown and had severe pain in their ears,then lose their hearing as the plane descended? I was completely deaf for 8 hours. It was a very scary feeling. Doc said you are not supposed to fly with a head cold. I won't anymore!

I like Planters mixed nuts.