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Community > Posts By > slowhanded
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Topic:
How to Dump a Man
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Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply... Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you m! ay be interested in me for something other than my personality. You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! Your legs are skinnier than mine. You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. You still live with your parents. Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. Your frequent references to your ex -girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, ______________________   Love it. 
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Hi Tom. Happy Saturday.
 
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Topic:
Ancient History Explained
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Why does everything you write have to be all about SEX? Cannot someone be just a little more creative with what they write?  Why don't you lighten up? Much of lifes humor originates in sex. Or do you feel inadequate or something? I thought it was funny as hell. Keep up the good jokes uk, on whatever theme.
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change my age to 69 ,,,,,, I HAVE SENIOR CITIZEN FRIENDS  Any way up suits me. 
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Topic:
formula for Viagra.
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Topic:
Warm kitty (May offend)
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Ooooooh That was baaaaaaaad
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Topic:
Pass the bottle (May offend)
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lmao
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Topic:
Favorite animal?
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Duh!!!   Women just in case you get hungry, Tiger??? You leave my p#ssy out of this. 
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Topic:
May Offend
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What did my son do when he lost his virginity? "Thank you Michael. I love Neverland Ranch." 
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Topic:
women farts
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Why don't women fart?? I'll probably burn for this.  They don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up enough pressure!!!!! 
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Topic:
Effective Ointment
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Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, "My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today." "How does he know this for sure though?" asked the other woman. "Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself."
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A guy returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD." "Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife.. "So what... have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"
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Topic:
Favorite animal?
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Duh!!!
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Topic:
See ya's round
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Night Tom
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Topic:
Retreating
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Goodnight Tom
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Tom
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Topic:
Bad Party
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lmao
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Topic:
**** from Above (May Offend)
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A man had just finished eating at a French restaurant He said to the waitress, Suzette, "Well,Sue,...whats for dessert?" At that Suzette climbed up on the table,squatted over a plate, and defecated onto the clean plate? The customer was appalled. He said, "What the hell is this supposed to be!??" Sue replied, "This is your dessert,mon ami !! Haven't you ever heard of Crap Suzette??"
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