Just venting----

Okay here is my story...I am 22 years old and mother of 3 wonderful boys. I was married to who I thought was my knight in shinging armor for 5 years. Even though I was the one who left because of his adultrey ways I went to him crying and begging him to try to make it work. I am not going to say it was all his fault I am not one to keep my mouth shut when I see something that is morally and ethiclly wrong. Not to sure if it is a vertue or a vice but I guess I will find out someday. He told me he wanted me to stand on my own two feet. Soo I did I joined the National Guard went back to college and have a half way decent career to pay my way through school. I take care of my children and show them all the love I have. I am always doing fine...until I get the phone call. The phone call that says "Rosie I miss you. I love you. Please. Come see me. Lets be friends. Lets do stuff together and have fun like we use to." The friends part works....for a couple of weeks then we start sleeping together and I do care for him I always will, but I realized that I am not in love with him. I think half the time the only reason I do this is because I don't want to be alone and if I could only look over the stuff he does it would work. I know thats not right and totally not healthy. I thought that getting on here and talking to other people might help me move on with my life and close that door instead of leaving it cracked. Somehow or another though I always end up going back. The latest incident that happened was 2 weeks ago. We were being "friends" and he called me on a thursday and asked me to come up on friday (mind you it is a 158 mile drive) and hang out and go out on the town with him. My thoughts were hey this is cool it will be like the old days. When we wood go up in the hills and have a fire and kick back a couple beers. Wrong I drove the 3 hour drive up HWY 101 (anyone from the Pacific NW knows thats not a fun drive) in the rain and hail for him to disapper...wasn't where he said he was going to be wouldnt answer his phone. So I went to his house...I have a key so I let myself in and went to bed. He stroles in the next morning and I said what happened to you last night. He tells me oh I went home with lisa...a woman who happens to be 25 years his senior. I lost it. I thought that it didn't matter that we are divorced that was the most disrespectful thing anyone can do and I would never do that. Friends don't do that to each other. Then the next week he is all sweet and oh i miss you blah blah blah, and when I went to pick my kids up for the weekend,...he says "hey think we can have a quickie before you leave." I just looked at him like he was nuts and left. Then this morning he calls to accuse me of getting involved in his personal life. I could careless at this point. All I want is for him to stop playing these games...I told him today that I am done I won't drive all the way to his house again and that he can meet me half way. I think that is fair enough and he threw a fit cause he wants to be friends and wants to hang out. I think its a load of bull and its just another game. He wants to keep hold of that string just enough to pull me back then push me away....I know its time to burn that string! Like I said just venting.